The Lasting Supper http://thelastingsupper.com Help Yourself! Thu, 24 Apr 2014 13:07:06 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.8.1 Copyright © The Lasting Supper 2013 haywardart@gmail.com (the nakedpastor David Hayward) haywardart@gmail.com (the nakedpastor David Hayward) 1440 http://www.thelastingsupper.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/podcast-banner_2_sm.jpg The Lasting Supper http://thelastingsupper.com 144 144 A podcast by your nakedpastor David Hayward. The nakedpastor David Hayward interviews members of his online community, The Lasting Supper. He also interviews others sympathetic to the spiritual needs and desires of individuals. Meet people who are living a life of spiritual independence and aren't afraid to talk about it. spirituality, nakedpastor, david_hayward, church, lasting_supper, interviews, christianity, religion the nakedpastor David Hayward the nakedpastor David Hayward haywardart@gmail.com no no All Apologies http://thelastingsupper.com/all-apologies/ http://thelastingsupper.com/all-apologies/#comments Thu, 24 Apr 2014 13:07:06 +0000 http://thelastingsupper.com/?p=15265 I am going through some strange times. I came out in a letter to my mom as a crossdresser. This was because they obviously knew (both my parents) but we’re living in some fairy tale land of self denial and deception. I broke the veil basically. The letter never made it to my fathers hand. […]

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I am going through some strange times.

I came out in a letter to my mom as a crossdresser. This was because they obviously knew (both my parents) but we’re living in some fairy tale land of self denial and deception. I broke the veil basically.

The letter never made it to my fathers hand.

However I was told rather sternly I need to burn all my occult books and/or get rid of them.

I didn’t tell them anything. Living in the country at the time I hitchhiked to the city and now live on my friend’s couch where I’ll be taking over the rent once I get money.

I’m just in a strange state of affairs. I think my mom is slowly understanding I am not a Christian who is simply backsliding.

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Animal Hoarding http://thelastingsupper.com/animal-hoarding/ http://thelastingsupper.com/animal-hoarding/#comments Wed, 23 Apr 2014 20:46:40 +0000 http://thelastingsupper.com/?p=15262 The curiousity was too much.  I watched ‘Confessions of animal hoarders’ on Animal Planet.  At first, I was just shocked.   Mouth open, teeth getting too much breeze: shocked.  It’s a good show, really.  They take you through these people’s stories- they show how this mess happened.  These are rational, reasonable people.  They are not totally bonkers.  But […]

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The curiousity was too much.  I watched ‘Confessions of animal hoarders’ on Animal Planet.  At first, I was just shocked.   Mouth open, teeth getting too much breeze: shocked.  It’s a good show, really.  They take you through these people’s stories- they show how this mess happened.  These are rational, reasonable people.  They are not totally bonkers.  But they are exhibiting behavoir that would lead you to believe otherwise. One woman, was divorced 3 times and the pain was just too much. She said: “I know what to expect from my birds, I know they wont judge me or divorce me or leave me.”     (Yeah, cuz the cages are locked.) Sorry, just some of my dry humor-

But, really- when they break it down, all of these people are trying to ease their pain. They are ‘self-medicating’ with animals.  As awful as that sounds- I started wondering how I ‘hoard’ or self-medicate in unhealthy ways.  We ALL have pain.  We all know sorrow and heart-break that we feel is so intense, and other people look so normal, that we MUST be the only ones carrying around this intense wound.

 

It was glaringly obvious how important it is to know how to deal with pain. If I don’t work on this, if I don’t actively have a plan, or know how to release pain, it’s a slippery slope to Crazy Town.

All who know me, who know my past- I’ve done some crazy stuff, too.   Cutting, self-mutilation, etc…

 

Most of the people on the show, are completely unaware that they are being abusive to their precious animals. They don’t let them outside AT ALL, because- as one lady said: “I am protecting my doggies. I am saving them from getting hit by a car.”

 

I wondered if I feed on people, in a sense, ‘self-medicate’ by sucking from an unhealthy relationship. Do I self-medicate on praises of man? Do I use my friends empathy, or sympathy to my problems (of course from my perspective, I am ALWAYS the victim, who didn’t do ANYTHING wrong- and everyone else involved is a selfish monster..LOL) to soothe myself when I need to bring it before God? Do I hold people emotionally hostage to my issues so they will stroke my pride & ego?

 

Everyone can be less selfish. We all have learning to do.

 

And then it hit me. Some people portray God as being an ‘animal hoarder.’ That He wants to control us, trap us, put us within His boundary, under the guise that it is ‘good for us.’ Keep us in a filthy house where we don’t have the choice to make bad decisions.

 

What if you can still make a bad choice while in heaven? What if, God isn’t EVEN then, going to grab the controls to your ‘person’ and make you do what is good & right?

Lucifer found a poor choice in heaven.

Granted, there is a flow- when we surrender, Holy Spirit and the love of Christ is a pull, compelling, drawing, leading… I am not saying against that. I am saying, God does not usurp our will. He does not hold someone captive against their will. He is not a rapist.

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Repentance… growing up? http://thelastingsupper.com/repentance-growing-up/ http://thelastingsupper.com/repentance-growing-up/#comments Wed, 23 Apr 2014 20:17:47 +0000 http://thelastingsupper.com/?p=15260 My friend’s blog got me thinking about words. And a friend was talking about the definition of repentance- really being simply to ‘change and renew your mind.’ It made me think in terms of ‘growing up.’ We mature, and change- our bodies change & grow, we become stronger and more coordinated. Our bodies ‘repent’ to […]

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My friend’s blog got me thinking about words. And a friend was talking about the definition of repentance- really being simply to ‘change and renew your mind.’ It made me think in terms of ‘growing up.’ We mature, and change- our bodies change & grow, we become stronger and more coordinated. Our bodies ‘repent’ to a more graceful stage. We are able to dance and move with purpose & rhythm, instead of ‘toddling.’ We are evolving, renewing our knowledge of God- who is infinite and His goodness exceeds what we can comprehend. It reminds me of a friend who told me he thinks in heaven, God is just SO awe inspiring.. SO MUCH Muchness and goodness- so infinitely PURE- that all of heaven, the angels & people go nuts worshipping Him, bc- well, He’s just so extremely amazing- and then- He unveils another part of Himself that we hadn’t seen before (because He’s infinite) and the whole party just goes bonkers all over again! We can be lost in worship forevermore (outside of time) bc He’s got so much to show us!As we grow up- we can handle experiencing more of His goodness- and we renew our minds to that knowledge. Glory to greater glory.We see Him- and say: “WOW! I want to be like that!!!” and He says: “Well, whaddayaknow… guess which dance we are going to do next?” We are able to manifest more kindness, more patience, more grace, more deeper- closer to unconditional love- our voice is coming in sync with His pitch- like two people harmonizing. We are learning to see His generousity- His strength in kindness. We really CAN give our shirt also to those who demand our coat. That takes supernatural integrity.  Repentance is going from glory to greater glory.   Changing, growing up..

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peek-a-boo http://thelastingsupper.com/peek-a-boo/ http://thelastingsupper.com/peek-a-boo/#comments Wed, 23 Apr 2014 00:27:23 +0000 http://thelastingsupper.com/?p=15254 This last year has been rough for me spiritually. When I say that, I mean screaming at the sky, “where the f*ck are You?!” Not always, but I was so spoiled before. I was so aware of God’s presence that I couldn’t relate when people said they were having trouble hearing,  or finding God in […]

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This last year has been rough for me spiritually. When I say that, I mean screaming at the sky, “where the f*ck are You?!” Not always, but I was so spoiled before. I was so aware of God’s presence that I couldn’t relate when people said they were having trouble hearing,  or finding God in their life. Was I a spoiled child? I dunno. But when I had to go hours without hearing Him, feeling His snuggles on my neck, I felt like a child going through separation anxiety.  I said, “I do NOT accept this! You said you would never leave me, nor forsake me! You said You’d always be here!”

Although,  apparently,  even when Adam was in perfect communion with God, he still was lonely.  Hmm

He said, “Calm, sweet pie. Listen: you played peek-a-boo with your babies, right? You played hide and seek as well. Its a natural thing parents do. You get that from Me.”

He/She took me to James 4:5 “He jealously (passionately) desires the Spirit which He has made to dwell in us.” Now, if the Trinity is One, how can they be apart? How can Father jealously desire Holy Spirit?

The only explanation is.. like the ebb & flow of the ocean. A giving and receiving,  and a discovering and a knowing. God set up riddles and mysteries to be solved, gold & precious stones to be unearthed.

Although this doesn’t really help me when im searching for His voice inside me and seem to have misplaced it- it does somehow give me peace, a sense of relaxing away from panic and holding on to:”it’s never goodbye,  just: See you soon.” This song encompasses it for me: chasing you

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“And They’ll Know We are Christians by our love…” http://thelastingsupper.com/and-theyll-know-we-are-christians-by-our-love/ http://thelastingsupper.com/and-theyll-know-we-are-christians-by-our-love/#comments Tue, 22 Apr 2014 21:42:10 +0000 http://thelastingsupper.com/?p=15251 “And They’ll Know We are Christians by Our Love, by Our Love..Yes! They’ll Know We are Christians by Our Love…” I sang loudly and proudly  from the top of my lungs in my early teens because I fully believed these words.  To me, Christianity equated to love…love of our fellow human…fellow Christians….and even our enemies. […]

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“And They’ll Know We are Christians by Our Love, by Our Love..Yes! They’ll Know We are Christians by Our Love…”

I sang loudly and proudly  from the top of my lungs in my early teens because I fully believed these words.  To me, Christianity equated to love…love of our fellow human…fellow Christians….and even our enemies.  After all, didn’t even Jesus ask his Father to forgive those who crucified him?

Over the years though, I discovered that even though Christianity was supposed to be about love, that in all reality, it was not.  Even though the Bible I read taught us to encourage and love one another, my fellow Christians, instead, persecuted, rejected, and isolated one another, especially those who believed slightly differently.

I never believed in divorce, but after ten years in an abusive marriage and counseling, I knew I had to separate from my husband.  At first, he moved out to live with his parents as he and I both sought counseling.  He had his counselor, and I had mine.  He admitted to his abuse.  We actually thought that after christian counseling he would improve and we could reunite.  Sadly, it did not go as planned because he actually worsened and became more aggressive and even dangerous.  I, finally, had to get a restraining order on him and file for divorce.

At the time of our original separation for counseling, we were upfront with the church because he and I worked as youth ministers in the Southern Baptist church.  We stepped down from our ministries to work on our marriage.  However, the pastor at the time warned against my husband moving out of the home, even though he was abusive, saying that we were inviting evil into our home.  When I finally got the restraining order and filed for divorce, the church villainized me as the culprit of evil because divorce is a sin.  The pastor, deacons, secretary, and my husband showed up at my doorstep (even though my husband was not allowed within 100 feet of my presence) wanting to excommunicate me for filing for divorce.  They told me that my husband repented of his sin, and I needed to give him another chance.  I needed to forgive him.  I told them that I do forgive him, but I nor my children are safe with him.  They said if I continued down this path that they would be forced to excommunicate me, which would drag this whole thing in front of the church for a vote.  All I could think about was our children and how much something like this publicity would hurt them, so I told them not to bother with the technicality because I was removing my membership as of this minute.

After this, the pastor told the congregation to shun me. No one was allowed to talk to me, or they would lose their ministries and/or be excommunicated from the church.  Meanwhile, my husband was still in fellowship with them at their church.  My abuser. They stood with him, and literally against me. I felt hurt, alone, ashamed, victimized, rejected…. Just paint a scarlet letter on me…Hester Prynne. I was even called Jezebel by them.

The pastor took even a step further, and told the rest of the Southern Baptist Association that our church was a part of about my “Sin.” So…no church in our area would let me in.

Even my parents, my father a Southern Baptist minister, rejected me, and they still refuse to speak with me today almost 16 years later.

Suffice it to say, I moved on.  I grew stronger.  I fell in love again, but it took me awhile to remarry because I did not trust men due to my last marriage.  I’ve been with my current husband for 15 years, but only married to him for seven.  We lived together, first as friends and then lovers, for 8 years before I finally agreed to marry him.   We even already had a child together; he is now 12.  Our marriage, our relationship, the family we have grown together with my former three children, his two, and our one, is the best relationship and family I’ve ever had.  He is my best friend and lover.  Intellectually, mentally and spiritually, we are one.

I know there are Christians who show love, but I rarely see them.  ”We shall know them by their fruits…” and most “Christian” fruits bare more dead fruit, rotting in their own stench.  Sad. Extremely sad.

I only hope that love springs forth in me towards others.  I try to show unconditional love: the kind I expected from my parents, but did not get.  The kind I expected from the church, but did not receive.

There are two great commandments: Love God and Love man!  If we have not love, then we are nothing!

 

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I’m having an adulterous relationship http://thelastingsupper.com/im-having-an-adulterous-relationship/ http://thelastingsupper.com/im-having-an-adulterous-relationship/#comments Mon, 21 Apr 2014 17:15:20 +0000 http://thelastingsupper.com/?p=15247 Praise me

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Praise me

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Proving the fundamentalists right about postmodern Christianity http://thelastingsupper.com/proving-the-fundamentalists-right-about-postmodern-christianity/ http://thelastingsupper.com/proving-the-fundamentalists-right-about-postmodern-christianity/#comments Mon, 21 Apr 2014 00:16:01 +0000 http://thelastingsupper.com/?p=15245 This is a bit of weird one, but the whole Emergent/Emerging church, Brian Mclaren and to a lesser extent Rob Bell played a significant role in my deconstruction of my faith. They said things I had always thought, asked questions that made much more sense that what I had already been answered and just had […]

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This is a bit of weird one, but the whole Emergent/Emerging church, Brian Mclaren and to a lesser extent Rob Bell played a significant role in my deconstruction of my faith. They said things I had always thought, asked questions that made much more sense that what I had already been answered and just had much better version of Christianity to that which I had grown up with. I went full in with it, hung around the online conversation, got involved in church planting/emerging church groups/churchs, even attended a alt-worship group for a while and had numerous failed attempts at blogging.

Around the time that they were having a major impact withing the Evangelical world there was a massive back lash from much more fundamentalist voices saying that this was just a slippery slope of questioning, abandoning traditional biblical positions that would just lead to liberalism or worse atheism/disbelief. I sometimes fell sorry for those fellas that I seemed to be a proof of that argument having now fallen off the edge of deconstruction into disbelieve/agnotis-not giving a fuckism,

I especially feel bad as i still feel like Mclaren, Tony Jones and Rob Bell have a better version of Christianity than Driscol, Piper and Macarthur. Like I don’t believe in God but sometimes wish I did just so i could try planting a Charismatic Church that was Same-Sex affirming just to prove it could be done (although it looks like Ken Wilson and Ann Harbour Vineyard may make that unnecessary http://www.faithstreet.com/onfaith/2014/03/31/what-c-s-lewis-marriage-can-tell-us-about-the-gay-marriage-controversy/31512 thank fuck)

 

Anyway just random thoughts that re-occur to me

 

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hard day… http://thelastingsupper.com/hard-day/ http://thelastingsupper.com/hard-day/#comments Sun, 20 Apr 2014 20:48:59 +0000 http://thelastingsupper.com/?p=15243 I am sure it was for you too.   The liturgy was very Christ centered,  which for me is good. But the didactic abounded in the homily. It was a rip roaring 20 minutes of how “our faith” is under fire by “progressives”. How was your 4-20?      

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I am sure it was for you too.

 

The liturgy was very Christ centered,  which for me is good.

But the didactic abounded in the homily.

It was a rip roaring 20 minutes of how “our faith” is under fire by “progressives”.

How was your 4-20?

 

 

 

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Mountains & Rivers http://thelastingsupper.com/zen/ http://thelastingsupper.com/zen/#comments Sun, 20 Apr 2014 14:23:40 +0000 http://thelastingsupper.com/?p=15239 I happened to read this Zen saying: Before I grasped Zen, the mountains were nothing but mountains and the rivers nothing but rivers. When I got into Zen, the mountains were no longer mountains and the rivers no longer rivers. But when I understood Zen, the mountains were only mountains and the rivers only rivers. […]

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I happened to read this Zen saying:

Before I grasped Zen, the mountains were nothing but mountains and the rivers nothing but rivers.
When I got into Zen, the mountains were no longer mountains and the rivers no longer rivers.
But when I understood Zen, the mountains were only mountains and the rivers only rivers.

I don’t intend to interpret it, merely write down how it spoke to me. The three sentences describes three steps in my spiritual journey. When I wasn’t a believer, growing up with non-believers all around me, the world seemed fairly uncomplicated. Existence was what it was, what I could see and experience. There was no need for a God, religion felt unnecessary to me. The mountains nothing but mountains, the rivers nothing but rivers.

When I “got saved,” all of a sudden everything changed. Now everything had a deeper meaning, there were no coincidences anymore. Everything received a new significance and new labels and descriptions. Nature, mountains and rivers had all become a sign of something greater.

Today, it’s almost as if all that was a dream and Im slowly waking up. Im abandoning more and more terms and labels. It feels like a liberation. In some ways Im back where I started, trying to see things as they are, as I experience them. At the same time Im not back where I started, I have discovered a spirituality along the way and that remains with me. But a spirituality that I wish to ground in reality, in what is. For the first time in a long while Im beginning to see that the mountains are only mountains, and the rivers only rivers.

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Learning from the Past http://thelastingsupper.com/learning-from-the-past/ http://thelastingsupper.com/learning-from-the-past/#comments Sun, 20 Apr 2014 01:11:50 +0000 http://thelastingsupper.com/?p=15237 My experience at the last church I belonged to has really helped me with my mother.  She’s 83 and I moved in with her a year and a half ago after my father died.  I am now officially exhausted.  I tend to be someone who does a lot, but after 12 years at that church, […]

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My experience at the last church I belonged to has really helped me with my mother.  She’s 83 and I moved in with her a year and a half ago after my father died.  I am now officially exhausted.  I tend to be someone who does a lot, but after 12 years at that church, I finally reached a breaking point, said “enough is enough” and left.  From that experience, I have changed so much.  I don’t take as much from people as I used to and I set limits with people for my own benefit and now with my mother, I’m seeing the same thing needs to happen.  Now mind you, my mother doesn’t have a malicious bone in her body, but there’s so much that I don’t think she considers and at her age and with her diminished health, the balance of the mother-daughter relationship has to change.  I can’t just keep playing the nice, polite role when I’m exhausted.  I think for too long, I may have subconsciously bought into the notion that one just does for others and doesn’t say no.  But my mother is from a different generation and different school of thought.  Just because she may see it as not asking too much, I have to realize that I’m the one who gets to decide what is too much and it is not being disrespectful to her.  I’ve seen that kind of thing played out in a unhealthy way in her own life and have seen its influence in my own.  Now, I’m putting a stop to it.  Little things like her having to accept what I bring in from the store versus running to several stores trying to find just the brand or size of something that she wants.  A little thing, but when you work full time, do all the grocery shopping, pick up meds, drive someone to appointments and do the legwork to have work done around the house, you have to draw the line somewhere and so I’m drawing it.  Today I met with a realtor and will begin looking at homes, preferably something not as old as where we live now and requiring less work AND safer.

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