Ok, so that title was a bit melodramatic. But a texting story with my best friend (who lives far away but we have been friends for over 20 years) yesterday reminded me to log in for the first time since joining. I so badly want to participate in here. And I so badly want to go back to when I didn’t want to participate in here.

So the texting went something like this (shortened to distill the point):
Me: So who are you hiding from being off FB?
L: Judgmental Christians.
Me: I understand. I deleted 400 “friends” from revival days. And family that just annoys me lately.
L: I thought I could keep them. But I can’t. (She is recently divorced.)
Me: I don’t think I will ever go in a church again.
Me: (sharp left turn) When I die make sure nobody preaches at anyone.
L: What? At your funeral?
Me: Yes! Funerals and weddings bother me about not attending church. Then I was thinking that I would hate it if the end of my life was turned into an evangelistic crusade.
L: LOL
Me: I want it to be more like a concert of sad songs. With appropriate weeping. Every funeral at my church is all about “Woohoo!! They are with Jesus now!!”
L: Apparently Grey’s Anatomy hasn’t been dark and twisty enough lately. LOL. But I want a concert too, let’s work on a playlist together and we’ll share it.
Me: Ok, as soon as we get old!

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Background, I drank all the kool-aid for so many years. Her family actually introduced me to regular church attendance in middle school many moons ago. There is a long story that I will share one day. But I am right at the brunt of leaving a church I was overly involved in. I even experienced a miracle at one of their crusades. But it nearly cost us our relationship with our oldest son, and we took a break. And the longer I am out and am thinking and reading and realizing that religion is so hurtful and devisive, I never want to go back. I never want to look at another human being again and think that my mission in life is to convert their religion. I want to write so much, but I am scared of this journey. I am scared that all of my children and I will be burning for eternity one day if I lead them astray. I am scared that nobody will know what to do at my funeral or my kids weddings without a preacher. I am scared I will be consumed by material desires. I still believe in God and talk to Him every night and beg him to not let me screw this up. But I also believe so much more that he hates the institutional church. And if you knew me a year ago, you’d never believe I would say any of this.

Thank you David for having this site. I have read the last four or so community stories and can’t wait to have some more “Super Secret” time to read this site! My husband is ok with not going to church but doesn’t know how far afield I really am.

Crystal