Hello

[JoniParticipant]

It’s great to be here. A little about me… hmmmm. I live a pretty quiet life, stay home a lot and well right now am not very active in relationships/friendships. There was a time when my life was so full and consumed by friendships and I invested in them well and received back in full.

My life was full of what I thought to be unbreakable bonds. Then I said I was a lesbian… and I watched it all fall apart and break. To sit on the floor in a room while those who meant the world to me threw scripture after scripture at me, while I cried from the deepest part of my being, as I listened to words telling me that I was basically dead to them. Not to speak to their children if I saw them in a grocery store, that I wasn’t able to eat at the same table as them… that every word God had ever spoken to me was now null and void. Something inside of me died that day. I left the community that I thought I would be in the rest of my life.

I returned to another piece of that community (the other half of the church split that had occurred years before). It was my last attempt at belonging somewhere. I was welcomed, I was loved and accepted. People stood with me, fought for me, encouraged me, walked my journey with me. David Hayward was my Pastor at the time and he really helped me to see myself as a beautiful mosaic and to seek authenticity. I wasn’t alone, I had community again. The relationships were deep, true and I felt like I was living again.

I am now at a church where I am accepted, though not very vocal. I have not invested in relationships. I do not feel like a part of the community. I help out where I can and continue to hope that something will click and I will once again know community… but for now that isn’t happening. I’m sure I’m the biggest hindrance to that. I wouldn’t say I’m afraid to risk relationships or to be active in community. Perhaps there is some fear there. I haven’t really thought it out and analyzed it too much. I just keep to myself. It can be lonely, but it’s safe.

I miss the person I once was. With the experiences I mentioned above, the other life changing moment for me was when my brother suicided. It was the second time in my life where something in me died and I have never been the same again. I feel different in my own skin. Most days it feels as though I am just existing and not living… this is the new norm for me.

I’m looking forward to reading what others share here and perhaps sharing myself. My social community now is pretty much online. I have made some great friends, found a supportive Lesbian/Christian community. I am happy and content most of my days… but lonely. I struggle with what is truth and what is man taught. I wrestle things out with God and in the end come away with three things I know to be true: He made me! He knows me! He loves me! beyond that it gets kinda gray.

I miss true community.

thanks for reading :O)

• This topic was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by  Joni.

[cowboyjunkeyParticipant]

Welcome! Thanks for writing out your story so far. This is an amazing community that I’ve been a part of since nearly the beginning. Who you are and what you long for is normal around here. It’s very hard to find in your local community but it is here online. Look forward to seeing you around.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

love that you’re here joni! yay!

[Author]

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