What Do You Want?
I left the ministry several times.
One of those times was in 1995. It was my decision. I’ll share this story with you soon because it’s amazing. The point of sharing this today though is I was suddenly unemployed, without an income, and had no idea what to do. It was a scary moment.
I talked with one of my mentors. Someone I really trust. He asked me, “David, what do you want?”
You know what? I couldn’t answer that question.
I didn’t know what I wanted. I really didn’t know what I wanted! Unbelievable! My religious devotion was so thorough that I was no longer in touch with myself.
For those of you who have been as deep into church and Christian belief as I was probably recognize this. You might not know what you want either. For me, I didn’t know what I wanted because I wasn’t really allowed to want anything. To want something was selfish. The first and last question always had to be, “What does the Lord want?” That was the only legitimate question. “What do I want?” was not just greedy and worldly, but disobedient and hurtful to the Lord.
How many of you identify with that?
When I answered my mentor with “I don’t know what I want!”, he said I had to figure that out. Even if you want to sacrifice everything, you have to know what it is you’re sacrificing. “Not my will but yours be done” can’t truly be said if you don’t know what your will is.
But I’ve even moved beyond that. It took me years to figure it out, but now I know what I want and don’t feel guilty about it.
It’s okay to want. It’s human to want. I want. I’m in touch with my feelings. I’m not ashamed of it. I no longer allow beliefs to deny or damage me.
Is your belief in God preventing you from knowing what you want? Did you know Saint Irenaeus (d. 102 A.D.) said the glory of God is a person fully alive? Do you believe the only way to be a good person is by denying every natural thing about yourself? Are you fully alive?
Do you know what you want?