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I went to church yesterday. A Vineyard.

While everyone was worshipping to some worship songs I’d never heard before, as I read the words on the overhead and listening to my friend lead them, I found myself asking myself an interesting question:

Why do I want to be here?

The answers that came to me made me a little emotional because it’s okay for me to want to be there, and it’s okay for me to feel the way I do.

The first reason is I like being around people with skin on rather than just the internet. I know a few of them and we’re friends from way back. I work at home alone almost all the time. But being a borderline introvert/extravert drives me to really want to be with people sometimes. Sunday mornings, when I can, is a good opportunity.

The second reason is that, for some reason, these people feel like my people. They are my family of origin. I feel like TLS is my people too. They are my adoptive family. I’m just comfortable around them, but only when no one’s trying to convert me or rescue me or fix me.

The third reason is I like live music and public speaking. The music was nice. The sermon was good and helpful. No, I don’t use those words or share the paradigms they are borne out of, but that’s okay. I’m finding it easier and easier to alchemize for me what is meant by what’s being said.

The fourth reason is harder to explain. There were people really getting into the worship. There’s something about the deep need, hunger, desire, passion, that I feel okay with. I’ve always leaned towards passion. I always wished I could find a church that simultaneously possessed deep teaching, passionate music, and authentic community. Impossible it seems. But this is fine for now.

Notice that none of the reasons are that I felt I should or had to or that it was good for me or in order to belong. Those needs are gone.

I found it emotional because it took some healing to be able to do this. I’m grateful.

So, there. That’s my story about church yesterday.

I love you guys. Thanks for listening.