I live on the Kennebecasis River. It’s deep, wide, and beautiful.
It also changes every day.
No two days is it the same. It’s constantly moving. It has a constant impact on its surroundings.
We’ve lived here for 13 years. Sometimes we consider moving. But then we realize how much we’d miss this river that we see every day.
Every day a different river. Every day the same river.
And never once is it embarrassed that it changes. Because it always possesses its river-ness.
One of the things I’ve noticed in my crazy, unpredictable, constantly changing spiritual journey, is that I confuse people. Heck, I even confuse myself. People complain that they find it hard to peg me. They get frustrated that no two days am I the same. Some days I seem like a gentle believer and some days I seem like an angry atheist. Even my dad confessed to me on my recent visit to see him, “I try o get inside your head to figure you out, but I just can’t!” I said, “I can’t either!”
But I’ve learned to not let that influence me. I’m not stressed about it. I’ve learned to not care. Because, like the river, I’m constantly transforming. Every day something different to behold. Sometimes as gentle as can be. Other days as tormented as humanly possible. But I don’t care. Because I never lose my river-ness.
When we post our angry rants against all belief one day and then the next day mention our beliefs with affection… or whatever… I’m never alarmed by that. Behind all the inconsistent beliefs is the consistency of a fluid you.
And besides, who is this “you”? Who is this “me”? I’ve come to question even that. That, for me, has become a very fluid, flighty, and impermanent thing. The “I” for me has become as slender as the letter itself.
Because what’s most important is not consistency of belief, but consistency of freedom and independence.
Don’t be embarrassed by your different manifestations that reflect your changing thoughts that express your transforming mind that display your fluid self.
Be the river that you are. Fluid!
You’re terribly beautiful!