So today I want to share a powerful dream I had the other night, then try to walk through it together with you to maybe unlock its meaning.
It’s powerful to me because it involves the symbol of father.
Here’s the dream:
I am sitting across the table from two guys. They are my age or so. Maybe younger. They’re talking about God’s love or something. I say, “God doesn’t like me!” They looked surprised that I would say that. They express alarm. But I say it again, “God doesn’t like me! I know he loves me. But he just doesn’t like me!” While I’m telling them this, I also know that this “God” I’m talking about I’ve long since left behind. I also don’t feel hurt about it.
When I wake up, I’m a little baffled by the dream. So I apply some of my dream-interpretation skills (I teach in my Dream Course in case you’re interested), and come up with some insights.
The first one is that I know this “God” I’m speaking about in the dream is one I’ve left behind. I do remember going through a stage when I knew God loved me, but not so sure I met his approval. I also remember getting prophetic words all the time from people assuring me how much God liked me, and that like the biblical David, I was the apple of his eye. I suspected that if people had to keep telling me that, it was probably because it was unbelievable and they needed to be convinced. It’s like they were trying to drown out my inner voice that made God say, “Of course I love you, but I don’t find you very likable!”
The second insight I had was that I always felt it was more important to be true to who I was than to conform to some standard that would make me likable to God. I’m beginning to realize that this is probably one of my most central driving forces in life: the struggle to be true to myself. It might have something to do with my personality type (INFP). But I also think it was a spiritual seed that was planted in my heart very early in life that needed the soil in which to germinate and the space in which to grow. It was a priority that, at the time, I believed God was more interested in than me being likable to him. It was like I felt God saying to me, “I love you and I give you permission to be true to who you are, even if it means you’re not very likable to me.”
The third insight was actually a question: What does this have to do with my father? Because, to be confidentially honest with you, I believe my dad loves me but doesn’t find me very likable. I mean, he loves me as a father should love a son. But as he told me recently, “I love you, I just don’t understand you.” Even though it was a fatherly thing to say, the honest thing to say to me at the time, what I heard was, “I’m trying to understand you so that I can like you.” I don’t think I fit the bill. I’ve been a disappointment. I mean, I don’t think I’m the kind of person my dad would naturally be attracted to if the father/son relationship didn’t exist. I accepted this reality a long time ago and gave up the fantasy of a different kind of relationship. I still work to improve it, but it is what it is.
My own spiritual evolution has brought me to a place where being true to myself is where to be. Me being myself IS being loved and liked. I no longer see it as something received from an external character or personality, but as something that resides in and as reality, in and as life, and that my enjoyment of it comes from being more fully aware and present in this moment, right here right now, in this present reality, fully present in life.
I’m not sure why I dreamed this dream this way. I’m thinking its because my unconscious was bringing residue to my attention.
But also maybe because just this weekend my father was taken to the hospital and was diagnosed with gout. Last year at this time, when I was home when my brother was found dead from suicide, my dad and I talked. He said that he was afraid that once he stopped moving (and he’s always on the go with a million things to do), then his life would be over. So he keeps moving, keeping himself busy. But this has stopped him in his tracks. So I’m thinking about him a lot. And our relationship. This brought on the dream’s exploration into how intricately tied are our father issues with our Father issues. The dream is indicating that, deep within, my personal growth means a deeper awareness of my struggle with being loved and being liked, especially from my father… the earthly symbol of a heavenly possibility.
I hope this helps you somehow.
Please keep this here. Thanks for listening guys!