Reverting Back

Hi my friends.

I had to make an emergency trip back to my parents’. Dad’s taken another bad turn and they need my help. He’s got some dementia and Parkinson’s as well as other issues. He’s now on a list for a Nursing Home. We’re dealing with all kinds of things practical, legal, medical. It’s overwhelming.

On top of all this, I’m always disappointed in myself in how I behave when I “come home”. I tend to revert back to being a child. I don’t raise objections. I avoid conflict. I refuse to argue. I comply. I submit. I get stuck in a funk that reminds me of my life when I was a teenager at home.

I’ve read about this with other people I really admire… spiritual and personal growth leaders. Almost all of them share their struggles with their parents or one of them. I tend to think that if they’ve grown so much and are so mature and wise, surely they should be consistent and be that around their parents and family.

But no.

Interesting, isn’t it?

I see this in myself around old church friends too. When we run into each other or grab a coffee or whatever, I tend to turn inward, get quiet, and revert back to a previous way of being with them.

I try not to judge myself. That doesn’t help. It is what it is.

The one thing I make sure I do is not betray myself. It’s not like I turn into my opposite. It’s more like I hide myself… my truest most authentic self… that self that offends… that self that alarms and disappoints people. I keep him hidden. After all, I’m going to be here for almost two weeks and I can’t jeopardize that. I want to maintain the peace.

Which is what I always did as their child growing up.

Can anyone identify?