My life used to be so full of people!

Every week, sometimes several times, like clockwork, I thrust myself into the midst of the devout throng to conform and perform.

Was that the price for love?

It was beautiful then I thought.

Now, I wonder… How beautiful was it, actually? Because I would never go back! I would never pay that price again! If it was so beautiful, why don’t I want it again?

So I escaped.

I ran into the wilderness.

The wilderness isn’t one of physical deserts, forests, and beasts. It is a wilderness of metaphysical ones!

Here, in my spiritual wilderness, I endure long dry spells of incredible thirst. I get entangled in limbs of bewildering confusion. I encounter wild beasts both within and without. And, above all, loneliness.

But I’d rather this than a domestic and docile compliance!

However, I must continue to be honest: I do miss people.

Friends used to abound. Now they’re almost nowhere to be found!

I’m like a fox. Sly and shy.

Is it because I don’t want to be hurt again? Is it that I don’t ever want to submit again?

Or, is it about trust? Can I trust people not to subdue me? And can I trust myself not to allow it?

I love the wilderness. I’d live here if I must. But I’d rather visit it than dwell in it forever.

I love people, but I’d rather be myself alone than be a stranger to myself and to them in their midst.

If they welcomed me to their fire, I think I might go. As long as it was understood that it would be really me.

I’ve become shy. Like a fox.

It’s how I, yes I, survive.