Recently i had a brawl with a friend of mine, i went visiting her for the weekend but while there i kind of felt like i was being taken for granted in one way or the other. She had had a root canal and i knew she was in pain and all wasnt fine but she was well. She was able to do a few things by herself….however in her state of being i kinda felt like she was really abusing my presence and friendship.
so i got back home and while chatting with her that evening…she thanked me for taking care of her which didnt really go down well because i knew there was alot of tension and strain on my heart during that time..So it hadnt really been a joyous experience. so in our chat i mentioned that she had been grumpy and selfish at one point. She got angry at me for calling her selfish and she blamed me for not minding about her who was sick and was instead concerned about her attitude..now the fact that she knew her attitude was so wrong really put me off. i wondered if i had to put up with it because she was sick..anyway i guess our friendship ended that day…i tried calling her three times and she never responded..and i knew well it was over..we had been friends from about 2007 if i may say. i took sometime to make an evaluation of my relationships..the people that have come into my life, those that are in my life…..and a few things. i felt on one hand that i am expected to be kind, nice, gracious and merciful to people..do the best for them, give them the best of myself…allow them to freely express themselves, their issues, their discontent..but i dont have the freedom to do that incase i feel mistreated and taken for granted…its just ironic. when i speak up ..they walk away….but am supposed to listen, understand show concern … i am not supposed to expect that..believe you me its stressful and am very tired..
i make an evaluation of my relationships and i realise that for most of the time i have poured into people’ s lives and pushed them on ahead into their lives..and i have to sit back and watch as they continue having fun at life and enjoying everything…if i want to stay in relationship with them..i have to pursue them….
when they come back its when they need something from me…wow. i dont even know how to describe what i am feeling..there are times i am confused..i wonder what kind of puzzle my life is….it all doesnt make sense…….it makes me cry at times..it makes me wonder..it makes me go quiet…. it makes me sit back listen and simply be still because its all beyond my control…
i dont know what to say…does anyone ever feel this way..?