As most of you know, I suffer from depression and I’m on meds for it. Over the past year, I hit rock bottom and now I think I’m somewhere in the middle.
Still, I harbor a lot of feelings about not wanting to exist. I just think life is too complicated. Not my life but LIFE in general. I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know if any of it matters. Honestly, I hope none of it matters. As I see life now, it’s too uncertain to be enjoyable. There are too many risks. Too many mysteries. Yet, there are also too many people who seem to have everything figured out.
I feel very unwelcome in this world (except with my TLS family).
I’m “lost” to most of my Christian friends/family. And that hurts…it hurts really bad.
Do they know how much it hurts to know people think you are going to Hell? Or are just a bad person in general?
If there is a God, I hope he/she is not the one I grew up with. Because I am terrified of that God. I am angry at that God. I am disgusted with that God.
I know I don’t know everything. I could be wrong about God. Maybe my Christian family/friends have it all right (by Christian, I mean conservative Christian). I just hope that God knows that it’s really hard for me to decipher this shit on my own.
I love people (even though I don’t always act or feel like i do). I love creation. I see evils in the ways we treat each other sometimes, but I also see the divine in the ways we treat each other.
Why does any of the other stuff matter? Why should i care if you are an atheist or a Buddhist? Why should I care if you are promiscuous? Why should I care if you are gay or even a polygamist? Why should I care if you occasionally have too much to drink? Because I really don’t care. And I don’t understand why I’m supposed to care so fucking much.
All of that shit that I’m supposed to care about, but don’t…that’s why I don’t want to exist.
Sorry for this incredibly depressing post. I just needed to get some thoughts out somewhere.
Peace and love to you all,