I was a nun. I lived in a zen buddhist community for about 7 years. It was the first place that I ever felt like I fit in. Deciding to become a nun was an easy dicision. I knew if I became a nun it would please my teacher. At that time I had put him on a very high pedistal and would of done just about anything for him. The reason I left the zen community was because I had a boyfriend. I was told it was ok to do whatever I wanted to do behind closed doors. I was a nun in public but in private I was in a “serious” relationship. I was told many monks and nuns have relationships like this. I felt like I was living a lie. I hated having a secret life and a public life. And it was true, many of my monk friends had these “special friends” behind closed doors. So, I gave back my precepts and left the community. My boyfriend and I moved in together. That relationship did not last. It’s hard to explain but I miss being a nun. I miss the community. I miss getting up at 4:30 every morning and doing 108 bows. I miss sitting in meditation every morning and every night. It’s been hard not having anyone to talk to about this.