My name is René Lorent, in this is my story.
Since i can remember i’ve always been searching for more then was seemingly there, as kid from about 10 years old, i’ve had ‘moments’ that were .. different.I did not know this at that time, being a kid nobody probably knows what is regular/normal and what is not.Things like me knowing what my best friend had for dinner that day where things that would just pop into my life now and then, just like knowing that a particular friend would get out the subway cart, just as i was waiting for mine that would take me the other way.
Odd, right ?
Well, i still think so but i’ve come a long way on the how and why, i at least have a theory on it.
Let’s leave this for what it is right now tho, just because i would not know how to keep this readable to all of you and type-able for me.
I was raised in a pretty normal home, mother, father, one brother.Both my father and my mother had jobs, my mom was in catering and my dad had a small construction/renovation company.My brother was older ( by 6 years)and thus a pain in my ass, so far nothing out of the ordinary.I on the other hand was a handful from young on, always having my focus on something besides the thing i was asked to focus on.I could not really help it, something i learned a lot later in life.I’m not gonna bore you people with the ‘stamps’ i think i should have had at that time ( words like ADD and things related ).In those days kids where still just annoying when they don’t seem to do what you ask of them.
This was where the problems started.
I was from that time on being brought up with words like ‘ you can do this, you’re so intelligent.. but you’re just not doing it!’
My parents became more and more desperate, they did try their best, especially my mom, but i was getting more and more unreachable.I started to close myself, i think as in a way to find some peace from all the naggers that hurt me inside.
I felt so guilty for not doing as i was told, i know now.
At that time, when i was around 13 i had no clue on why i did what i did, my guess is that no 13 year old does, but anyway..
My mom became sick and had sort of a tumor in her head, when i was 12 my mother’s best friend had passed away because of cancer and somehow i was convinced that my mother had the same thing, i was scared and retreated even further, only visiting her once.This hurt her a lot and when i found out that the ‘thing in her head’ was a cyst and not cancer, i felt like a moron and i was confused by it all.She recovered though, which was good of course.
What band i still had before the whole illness was broken though, my mother felt hurt, she did not understand why i did not come to the hospital more often.. My dad, well, how hard it was for him was hard to grasp for me.He was not a talkative man, to put it mildly.I was actually a bit scared of him to be honest.
Well, i got older and school became a nightmare, got bullied the first two years and at the great age of 15 i started drugs, marijuana/weed.That’s where it all started to go from wrong to very wrong.I’m gonna fast forward this a little bit.
I kept smoking weed, started pills and coke, speed, acid every weekend and hardly slept during weekends for about 2 years (between 16 and 18).I dropped out of school and started working a butchers shop, after failing a million other jobs.The butcher shop had a familiar face working there as chef so there was thought that might be better for me.It actually really wasn’t ( hind side, like most things in this story ) because i got cash money at the end of the week and that was a lot for a kid my age.I had made ‘friends’ with the wrong people by then and i started to buy up pills for me to sell myself in the weekends, at illegal parties.
At some point a wasn’t welcome home anymore, i got kicked out.My mother cried, my dad almost went insane.. the first day or so i refused to leave and slept in the bushes outside the house.From here on there are blind spots in the order things happened in but for a few weeks a kept working at the butcher’s shop and i made a deal with the boss that i would get payed every day, so i could get a cheap motel in the city center ( this all happened when i still lived in Amsterdam btw ).After a while i started to really lose it, i ended up hysterically crying, on the doorstep of a weekend shelter for the homeless.The hysteria stemmed from the fact that i know the city very well and i suddenly .. uh .. did not anymore.Imagine for a few seconds, you in your own neighborhood, completely and utterly lost, both literally and not.
Well, i got to the shelter, crying and like i said hysterical and they let me in and called what you could see as the psych trauma team.I was almost taken involuntarily into holding.They asked me a question after i told them what i thought what was going on, being that i heard voices :”do you think those voices are coming from within you are from outside of you” I told them from inside me .. but i wasn’t that sure.I did think they would be taking me with them if i said anything else.
The left after giving me some sedatives.From there on there were talks with parents, social workers etc etc, and i got placed in a house for older teens that were hard cases at home lets say.Don’t know how to translate that really.And that’s where i end this story for now because i’m feeling it’s pretty taxing, writing all otf this.
I will leave you with this now, i’m better off now then i was back then and i have some peace 🙂
I promise i will tell the rest some other day.
Peace be with you all, and sorry if i created a ‘wtf” moment within in your day.