Contents: Continuing family drama. Lack of fear in the face of rejection and anger. Telling my truth. Standing up to bully parents. Deciphering motives. Realizing new parts of myself in the face of an emergency. Righteous anger.
I did it! I stood up to my mom. And I was pissed. And I (admittedly was a little snippy about that. I want to apologize for that. BUT I MEANT EVERY WORD I SAID. )
And even though I was angry on the outside, I was a cold, calm son of a gun inside. That was new for me.
Mom woke me up telling something about having to pick up someone, a hospital, and she needed me to drive. I got up, got dressed, got a few things because who knew how long we would be at the hospital?! (Was still foggy on that) and put on my back brace. I got downstairs and asked her to clarify what she had said. Somewhere in there, she’s yelling at me about hurrying up.
Turns out my dad had passed out at a friend’s house and he refused to go to the hospital, so we were picking him up. (He has a history of passing out in the sun after/while drinking due to dehydration. )
I go to my car and wait a while…. (at this point, I’m wondering if she’s actually in a rush at all…)
She RUNS out about 5 minutes later yelling at me about the small purse and notebook in my hand (it has my charger in it) and how I didn’t need it. Then, she asks me if I have enough gas to get across town. I say no. I had been saving my money for the next gas trip to go an hour away to a doctor’s appointment, but we can get some on the way.
She’s enraged now, yelling about how we’re wasting *DAD’S FRIEND’S TIME * by making them wait, and we will just take her car. “HURRY UP!! GET OVER HERE *HISS*”
At this point, I lose my ability care about her feelings anymore. Normally, this is where I feel like I’m the terrible person that is always causing her problems, and I would slink into myself and buy into the message that I am thoughtless, bad, and I need to do better next time.
That part of me is missing. Period. And it startles me.
I’m perfectly aware that she is possibly freaked out at dad collapsing, but so far, all I’m hearing is that she’s freaking out and dumping it all on me. Which …. is what I exist for, as far as her actions are concerned. And I’m done. Does she want to pick up dad, or does she want to yell at me? I vote dad. So far….I don’t see where she has.
I get in her car with her, wondering why she didn’t do this in the first place, as she knows how much gas she has. (She just got back from church… the same church I left.) And the whole way, she’s yelling at me about why I took so long, why I have that purse, why I didn’t have gas, why this, why that…
And when she’s done, I tell her that I did everything she asked as quickly as I could do it. I had clothing and a back brace to put on. She is acting as if I spent 30 minutes putting on makeup. And as far as WHY I had to get dressed, I’ve spent the last few nights dealing with my (night shift only) job and the accompanying sleep schedule messups. I don’t have to be up when you think I should be up. I make my own money, and if I need to sleep, I will be asleep. I also have a back brace to put on. I am not making you wait. I waited for you. So I’m sorry I wasn’t fast enough for you.
She mumbles, “It’s too much” very softly under her breath. But I’m not done.
I continue (paraphrased) :
I know it’s too much, but I’ve had enough. You may as well just tell yourself that I don’t care about anything or anyone, because that is the message I’m getting. And we both know that’s completely false. I know you, and dad, and my brother, and everyone think I’m an angry person. And if I seem that way, it’s because of the messages I am getting from you all about how I feel and what my motives are when I don’t feel that way at all. I am not an emotional garbage can for you. And I am done.
Somewhere in there, I called myself Ren to her face. I identified myself as “he” without pausing or realizing until after I said it. This was also a new thing. She didn’t seem to notice… but I was happy that I didn’t notice, either.
We ride the rest of the way in silence. We get to where dad is and he and his friend are hanging out on the driveway. mom hops out. I drive home. We all manage to meet in our home at the same time. She has more complaints. I ignore them. She offers to cook. I turn her down and go to my room. I have my own food and I will eat that.
It strikes me that I don’t want her to be my mom, anymore. I’m done. All the way around. It’s not like she even wants to be. We are finally in agreement, there.
I call my girlfriend and tell her what happened (complete with accurate quotes. I’ve forgotten them all prior to typing this, so I paraphrased everything)
My girlfriend says I’ve grown a lot in the past 6 months to a year. I don’t see it.
I’m just tired.
Tired of thinking that one day, the people I care about will care back if I just do things correctly.
At no point did I do anything *incorrectly*. Not in the past, and not today.
And sometimes, things are not optimal. But that’s no reason to tell or imply to me how I feel. Be mad at the situation. Not at me. No one has that right.
No one ever did.