Lately, I’ve been feeling like I can’t make up my mind about anything. It’s almost like I don’t have any real opinions.
My fear of Hell hasn’t disappeared yet and I’m getting really frustrated. I’m frustrated because I don’t know what I believe or really even what I want to believe. Sometimes I think going with the flow and following the accepted Christian rules would make me happy. But would they? When I started entering that mind set 8 months ago, I could feel my hands trying to cling to the old me that was feisty and happy and free. Now I have glimpses of that person on occasion…but mostly I’m a confused mess who can’t decide what she wants.
I think I want to be safe. I don’t want to be tortured. I have spent countless hours trying to convince myself that Hell isn’t real and that the God I know would never create such a horrible place. But in the end, I’m still scared. And while I think I want to be safe, I don’t want to give in to something because of fear. I want to actually have my own belief that is rooted in love and doesn’t close me off from the rest of the world.
I’m starting to feel like an outcast around Christians (not necessarily their doing. I just feel that way). But I’m not confident enough in anything to say really what I am. I have a hard time deciphering right and wrong on some things because I’m afraid my selfishness is getting in the way. I want God to be someone that comforts me on my journey, but all he does is scare me. And I don’t know what to do anymore.
Sometimes, I even feel emotionless. Like dull. Everything is bleh. This may in part be because I have not been as compliant on my meds lately, but I’ve been feeling this way for a while. Like I’m here, but my spark is gone. Anyway, I just needed to rant. If anyone has advice, I’d appreciate it.
I’m sorry for talking about the same issues all the time…I’m know I’m walking (and talking) in circles. There just doesn’t seem to be an end in sight to my thoughts and my struggle.