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So, I’m talking to a girl on eharmony now which may or may not progress into anything –I want to be positive and hopeful yet not too hopeful I guess. I think it’s safe to say though that after like 5 years of trying these dating sites she’s about the coolest, most like-minded person I’ve met through one of those sites. Like me, she’s trying to distance herself from a fundamentalist past and embrace her own spirituality and that’s probably the most helpful thing to have in common as far as conversation goes. There are some differences but differences are of course good sometimes.

But, I’ve realized that I have a lot of issues with insecurity and ever since my last relationship (5 years ago) I always have this nagging fear of girls getting bored with me, which almost seems to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I really don’t know how to relax and just let things take their natural course and that gets worse the more time goes by and I’m like “shit, I’m still single, wtf”. If I’m perfectly honest, I have a hard time believing that I am an interesting person. I have no idea how to make small talk at people gatherings and meeting people is about the scariest thing in the world (mostly due to my shyness and introversion). I can recognize my own self-defeatist attitude more so than years in the past so I can give myself positive affirmations and boost my ego a bit but sometimes I genuinely wonder what it is that makes people “work out”, you know? I guess whole books haven been written about far less complicated subjects but I honestly don’t understand what keeps up the appeal. How do people not get bored with each other after a few weeks/months/years? What happens when you know everything there is to know, what keeps things alive? Maybe what I’m getting at is how does “getting to know” someone go beyond just fact-gathering (and physical intimacy of course), especially in my case where a long-distance relationship is really my only option (I’m stationed overseas on a closed base) and so if and when I see someone it will only be for brief periods of time.

I would appreciate all you wise, married (or not) people that have had some actual relationship experience of making something work for some period of time…having one relationship in my entire life hasn’t really helped me understand any of this stuff lol.