I don’t know how to express this. I feel as if I am literally heading towards self sabotage. I don’t believe any action I do is unconscious. I believe every act is a decision towards the future and the simplest tweet I make could be sabotaging the only career I am willing to act.
I think I need balance.
The balance I am talking about is between being myself and coming out to the world with my marginalized beliefs (even marginalized within a marginalized political/antipolitical community) versus keeping it to myself to sell myself and wait until a later time when I have more power and credentials to do so.
I felt sort of wary of continuing my existence in this community as I moved beyond accepting my questioning of christian doctrine.
I’m starting to understand it moreso because when you question your foundation and what community you may be in – you may be in fact deciding to step outside of your society. Ergo: loneliness, distress, depression, anger, frustration, nihlism.
I am tweeting endless things and I’m feeling manic and I gained a client and my FAVOURITE FUCKING CONTEMPORARY DESIGNER is now following me.
Like I don’t know if I’m doing something right or if I’m having a mental breakdown.