I’ve noticed a pattern in my life through the whole deconstruction and reconstruction process. Whenever I really feel a sense of resonation with a particular body of spiritual ideas and feel happy about finding a new understanding of things, it’s quickly smothered by doubt. Just when I feel like I am starting to get a small glimpse at the possible truth of reality, I strongly doubt myself, get really frustrated and think everything is pretty much bullshit– it’s like a spiritual roller coaster of sorts. I’ve struggled with depression pretty much all my life so it’s almost as if it’s triggered by these particular doubts.
I’m usually a fan of doubt and see it as helpful on the road to growth and truth, but this particular kind of doubt is more of the “no, no, no, nothing to see here…” kind that prevents me from really exploring things freely and intently. Eventually, I find that something will trigger me out of it and then I’m just left with peace but it varies in how long it takes after each new revelation, if you will.
It’s not something I really understand or enjoy very much, but perhaps some of you can relate?