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Jeni Ananda 4 hours, 24 minutes ago.
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Ok, one of my heroes says to start writing when you have a lump in your throat, and you’re scared anyone might read what you write…
I have a favorite kid, and a not-so-favorite kid… eew. Yes, I judge that even as I have to acknowledge it. My son, when he was born, was so perfect, I had sore cheeks because I couldn’t stop smiling. He’s so beautiful, of course. He didnt have a cone head or anything, just a little man with Einstein white, long hair (born with a white fro.) @ bright blue eyes. Even when he became real chunky, and started popping up baby acne like weeds in the garden- there is actual video of me squealing about how gorgeous he is. He is not my favorite. At somewhere around 4 or 5, I started developing this tick, this itch in my bones when I see who he’s becoming. He’s not Terrible, it’s not horrible, it’s just HARD for me to relate. He’s so different from me. And, this really hurts to type out, but his dad & I got divorced when he was 2, almost 3. His dad didnt want to have anything to do with him, until we got divorced, so BONUS! (For my son.) He’s a great Dad now.. but is it that I see my ex in him? Maybe. But i dont think that’s all of it.
I have actually thought to myself, I’m so glad I had Emma, so I can know that I am capable of liking my children. See, that- seeing it in black and white, in print: kills me.
I love him, but I dont understand him. He’s so different than I am. He tries to be like me, he tries to talk about things i like. He’s sweet, he’s sensitive, but there’s this… thing between us. He’s 14 now, which I’m sure people will say it’s because of the teen thing. Yet, I’ve been writing about this since he turned 5. I knew I had to acknowledge these feelings, because I’ve been persecuting myself for it. For years.
My daughter, by comparison, is just like me. I “get” her. Even though she’s sassy and stubborn- but she has brilliant logic, and common sense. He, on the other hand, will stand in his room in the morning (when he’s supposed to be getting ready for school) and wait until I notice he’s frozen there; and when I ask what’s going on, he’ll say, “This shirt doesnt fit me.” Everything in me wants to just give him the answer: “Well, find one that does!” But I say: “What are you going to do?” And he looks at me with wide eyes for so long that a fly comes and lands on his eyeball, gets bored, and flies away…
I am at a loss at how to connect with him. All the time. Every time, I tell myself, “Here we go- it’s going to be different, no matter how uncomfortable I am, we will find some common ground…” But I end up screaming in my head: “WTF?! He’s from another planet! Ugh.”
I have no answer. I just know that pouring my heart out has proved therapeutic. Ive tried to make sense of it- Do I reject him because the pain of being reminded of my broken family is too much?
Is it possible to just not “jive” or like your child?I only have one child (so far) so I don’t know entirely on this but I’d say its perfectly normal not to jive with a child. I have a hard time with my kid on certain things. In some ways he is like me but for the most part he is so different. We don’t have any immediate plans to adopt another child but eventually I think we will. I wonder if kid #2 (as we refer to “it” right now) will be someone I’ll get along with. Maybe she’ll attach more to my wife and I’ll get closer to kid #1. Maybe the opposite will happen. Maybe I won’t have much in common with her and it’ll just make it even harder to connect to the first one.
Thank you! What you said helps me.
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