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Persis 1 month, 2 weeks ago.
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I’ve been gone for a while. I partially deconstructed then married a man who was completely deconstructed. He was not a good communicator and made matters worse. I found myself down the rabbit hole. I went through a year of doubt and disgust at the state of religion and true existence of God.
Then crisis hit. I cheated on my husband with my ex husband and ended my marriage.
If there is one thing I’ve learned about myself is I love adventure and new experiences, but I also need the familiar. Jesus is familiar. I know all his stories, all the parables, his teachings. They come to me unconsciously. They are a part of me. I can not deny it. Yet I am grateful for the experience of peaking behind the curtain. We make God into our own image. I am grateful for the men who agreed on the image of Jesus. He’s a pretty cool dude when you see him as a liberator.
So with that I forgive myself through Jesus. Understand I’m the one absolving and being absolved. I use Jesus as my focus point, but it’s really my brain doing all the work. I understand better now how religion and rules serve as a balance to the chaos we put ourselves in. It’s a way to release the self imposed agony to a manageable state. This brain of ours is one tricky character.
I have returned to my church after 3 months of exile. I needed a break. I was welcomed back home as if nothing ever happened. Episcopalians (at least in my area) take “All are welcome” to a new level. I am proud to be affiliated with such a diverse group that says doubt is a precursor to faith. Doubt to your heart’s content while we love on you.
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