My first major questioning from a friend

[Anonymous]

Hey everyone,

Some of you already read my thread on FB regarding the email from my best friend.  Thanks for all of your comments!  I appreciate the support.

I wanted to send you my reply but first, here is what she had said:
The past several months I have doing a lot of thinking. I’ve been trying to figure out what to say.

I write this because I care for you. It’s hard to read the emotions that are conveyed by email. I type this in a calm manner.

I have had some concerns over some posts you have put on facebook. I am trying to figure out what direction/path you are going.

Here are some of the things I’ve noticed:

1. You list yourself as spiritual, but not religious under the information about you. Can you explain what you mean by this?
2. You had a post about transcendental meditation. What mantra is being said? Maybe you can explain more about this.
3. I watched a segment on Dr. Oz that had Michael Beckwith. I was curious about him and saw that he had a spiritual center and a facebook page. I saw that you liked his page. Are you following him and/or this center’s teachings?

Here is my follow up email.  Keep in mind that I was actually happy for  this moment to come.  I want to be honest with her since she is my best friend.   I am prepared for what she has to say but I hope she at least reads my tone as warm and loving. Also, she already knows that charles and i no longer attend church.

__________________________________

Thanks for emailing me.  I was wondering when we would have this conversation.  I guess now the “elephant in the room” will be lifted.

You have always been such a great and caring friend.  Thank you for taking the time to ask where I am at, and for the honest and polite, open ended questions.  I appreciate that fact that you were not angry or judgmental as you wrote the email.

I  write from a very calm and transparent place as well, because  you are my best friend, and this is what you deserve from me.

I want to start off by acknowledging that I understand how our changes may make you uncomfortable.  I am not sure if what I have to say will shock you or not, but I am happy to clarify.  And please keep in mind that I am still the same, friendly, compassionate person.  In fact, I feel more happy and calm than I have in quite some time.

I will try to answer your questions all at once.

First,  you are very intuitive to notice my religious preference.  Many Christians no longer care to be labeled as “religious” since that portrays following rules and regulations.  However, many of them have begun to see themselves as more “spiritual.”   So in that sense, being spiritual but not religious could simply mean that a person is not closely tied to legalism or even to the institutional church.  However, in my case, it does go a bit deeper than that, and perhaps that is what your gut was telling you.

If I am going to be completely honest, I still believe in Jesus and God, but I have also been feeling more free to ask questions. Many of my questions may sound like I am  Universalist, or even leaning towards Agnostic.   I have come to the place where I feel that God is leading me to a more expansive view of who He is and what He is all about.  At the same time, I find freedom in not having the answers.  I no longer believe something merely based on , ” the Bible told me so.”   I do feel God’s presence and know that I am walking the path that I need to be on.  This path may not be for everyone, but it’s the right path for Charles and I.   Even though we have financial stress, we are very, very happy.  We are not mad at God or anyone from the past.  We are just simply choosing to see things in a different light.

Everything else, such as meditation and spiritual teachers whom I enjoy are indications of my positive personal growth.  Again, it may not be what you are used to seeing, and they may not be typical Christian behaviors, but I found some of these tools to be very essential and helpful to my well-being.  The mantras are simply positive affirmations said in ancient sanskript, but no, I am not Buddhist and do not plan to be.

Michael Beckwith is a “New-Thought” teacher.  I do not closely follow him. I liked his page because i listened to his talk during an online conference put on by several different kinds of teachers and I really enjoyed what he had to say.  Sometimes I will “like” a page simply because I like the person but not because I plan to follow them, per se.

I prefer to take a little here and a little there from different philosophies while learning to listen to my own intuition.

In the future, you may start to see me mention other philosophies as I become bolder.  It does not mean that I am whole heartedly following these beliefs…. but I’m being open minded about what resonates with me.

I also wanted to let you know that Charles and I are part of an online community that has been very good for us as we explore our questions and our spiritual independence.  We have found others who can relate to us and we are making great friendships.  They come from all different walks of life and church backgrounds.  It’s been healing for us.

So, yes, I realize that I (and Charles) have changed.  But again- I am still the same person and strive to be a good friend for you, as you have been for me.  We have been through a lot together and I don’t plan on using our differences as a reason to judge you or to lose our friendship.

p.s.- I also want you to know that I don’t take our changes lightly.  And I honor our friendship, so it took me quite a while to work on this email.  I want to make sure you know that I do appreciate you and that I am coming from a loving

 

 

(I already sent this so I don’t need advice, but just wanted to share it here.)  Thanks!

 

[Anonymous]

oops– it cut off the word “place” at the end.

[christimadridParticipant]

Well done. Your thoughts were laid out clearly and concisely while answering all her questions, and the love you have for her is very apparent. Kudos!

[kjstantonParticipant]

What a lovely and thoughtful message, Kellie! I hope she is able to receive it in the spirit you sent it. This is really, really well written!

 

[JeffPrideauxParticipant]

That was such a lovely well written and honest statement of where you are right now.  Beautiful.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, guys!!

Here is the latest.  She responded asking me questions such as, “Do you still believe Jesus is Savior” and “Do you believe the Bible to be true?”  She also asked more about the spiritual community.

I decided to go ahead and copy and paste my LONG (warning) email , mainly because I realized this is a way for you all to get to know me.  It was actually therapeutic typing this out to her.  I thought it would take me a long time to write, but the words just kept flowing.    (and btw, I asked her to let me know if she thought the reply would take longer than a couple of days b/c the waiting makes me nervous.  She responded right away saying that she would have to wait a few days to write back when she is not working.  She also said she is not made (yay!) and that she appreciates me writing the email.

__________________________________

I will answer your questions, but I mainly want to know if we can still be friends.  I hope so.  Although I know it’s awkward now.

I think it’s easier for me to type out sort of the chronological order of how I got to this point. (Warning: this is long)

First of all, I think deep down inside, I have always been a doubter.  I just didn’t want to express it being a pastor’s kid and then an pastor’s wife.  However, most Christians do not like to have to answer questions.  Either that or they can get really judgmental.   So we just learn to shut our mouth and respond with the rote answer that well, if it’s in the Bible, then it’s true.

Also, even though I knew I was saved at age 5, I never felt like my faith was really my own.  It felt more like something I had grown into, akin to growing up Jewish… it seemed more cultural, just based on my family history.   I’m not saying that i don’t think i was ever saved.  I trust that I was, but I never really had a point that made me want to totally give my heart to Jesus.

I think college was when I felt the closest to God… that’s when I explored raising my hands and we sang sincere worship songs… but looking back, it seemed just more emotional than anything.

And then, of course, you know how awful our church experience was.  The worship was dead and the Christians were judgmental.  i began to wonder, is this really what it’s supposed to look like?

Leaving the church brought us a ton of freedom, and in a good way.  I thought I would feel guilt but I never felt that at all.  I think the only negative emotion I felt was just hoping that it wouldn’t hinder the kids from making decent friendships but they have made good friends at school- some who go to church, and some who don’t.    As you know, we originally were planning on finding a house church here to be a part of .  But for practical reasons, we couldn’t meet on a school night.  Then, we got used to relaxing on Sunday, so even if we found one on Sunday,  we felt bad thinking about taking time away from the kids.   It’s a special time now for Charles and the kids to bond on Sunday mornings.  We obviously didn’t get that when we were attending a church service.

Over time, our views started to change to where we wondered if we would even fit in at a house church anyway.  So we decided to not even pursue it, though we still desired fellowship, but not necessarily with strong believers.   We just wanted to find others who were also doubting and struggling like we were so we wouldn’t feel so alone.

Here were the main things we were struggling with:

1.  The concept of hell.  I think Charles already mentioned this to you when you visited us.  We question how a loving God can send anyone to hell.
2. Jesus only saving the elect.  We no longer believe that.  We now believe that in the end, everyone will go to heaven.
3. The accuracy of the Bible.  I cannot say for certain weather the Bible is true or not.  There have been errors in translation over time.

All these things go together.  If we do not believe that the whole Bible is literal, and we do not believe in the traditional view of hell, that leads us to question the Gospel message that we grew up with.

What it all boils down to is that I am an Agnostic Theist.  I’ve just been afraid to put a label on myself.  So what that means is that I do believe in God but that we cannot be sure either way.  I do believe the Bible was written to teach us, but I am not sure about Jesus.  He may be the Savior… or he may be just a good example.

An agnostic is free to question and have doubts.  I no longer put God in a box.  I even lean towards Panentheism… there is a little bit of the Divine in all of us.  I even dabble with the concept of Universal Consciousness.  Deepak Chopra talks about this.  I do NOT believe that I am God… but I do believe that Spirit is everywhere.

I also believe that we were born good.  i no longer believe in total depravity.   Of course, there is wrong doing and evil in the world and I strive to live by Jesus’ teachings of being kind and compassionate, and showing love to everyone.

Other philosophies that I am exploring are the Law of Attraction (though I am not extreme about it) and even Astrology.   I am also fascinated with energy work such as Reiki.

If we were still going to church and if we lived in CA, we probably would attend Michael Beckwith’s church. I do like a lot of what he has to say.   Although I would not label myself as New Thought.  I really do not want a label at all.

You may see me as New Age… I guess that is probably the best way to explain where I am at.  But I don’t get into certain stuff… I am leery about things such as crystals and I don’t worship nature.

As I’ve said before, I still sense God’s presence and I am happier t han I have been in a long time.  There is a  quote that says that People are leaving the Church to find God.  And I feel like that is where I am at.

One area where I have seen growth is that I am not as judgemental as I used to be.  I don’t even judge those who attend church.  It also means though that I am more accepting of others who live different lifestyles.   Even though I don’t encourage homosexuality, I am a lot more accepting of that lifestyle now.

I feel a lot more loving….. of myself and of others.

The spiritual community is led by David Hayward who calls himself “nakedpastor”.  naked is just a play on words meaning honest and transparent.  He used to be a pastor as well, of the Vineyard church and he left both the church and religion in one fell swoop.  He also began to question things and felt led to start this community because he felt like there must be others out there just like him.  So when I say different church backgrounds, I mean that most of us grew up in church but were either burned by church or by believers and have started to deconstruct their religious beliefs.   Some do still attend church though.   There is a wide range in the group from atheists, to agnostics, to those who still consider themselves to be Christian, yet tend to be Universalists.    How I found the group was I was looking for an online community of ex-pastors and instead came across this other group.  “the naked pastor” also has a Facebook page where he shares cartoons depicting  how he sees church and religion.  He is controversial but he is also a very, very gracious and humble man.  He does not put himself on a pedastal at all.  He is very accepting and provides a safe place for us all to openly express our questions and doubts without receiving cliche answers from other believers.   He describes the community as “Spiritually Independent.”    It’s been great for us to make new friends and to finally feel like we belong somewhere.

I hope this answers all of your questions and I probably wrote even more than you were expecting.

In the end, I know you will probably feel bad for me or see me as broken but just know that I do not feel that way at all.   However, I do appreciate your concern.  I just hope your concern doesn’t over ride our friendship, even if the foundation of our friendship is not the same as it was before.

[Anonymous]

to be honest, I wasn’t totally up front with her about homosexuality.  i don’t want to offend anyone here so I should clarify.  I do believe that people are probably born that way and I am all for gays loving each other and getting married.  I don’t see it as morally wrong at all.   just wanted to clarify.

[Anonymous]

Charles also received an email from a friend today (on his birthday of all days) questioning what he writes about. Fun times! (I say sarcastically)

[Author]

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