New Guy on the block….

[TimParticipant]

Ok, so I’m the new guy….I might say some dumb shit at times! or comment on something in such a way that is tangential and might seem uncaring….it’s not intentional. My head just goes in lots of directions, like a shopping cart.

I’ve been mulling over what to tell you/how much to tell you. It feels like the easiest thing to do is to just prattle stuff off in a dot point kind of manner….I don’t do that to be glib or not forthcoming, I’m really prepared to be an open book, even embarrassingly so….

Please let me make clear, I have some big issues with God and church and I hate the proscriptive nature of many churches, but I also want to be part, a big part of the difference, positive change, and so, most weekends I can be found at church. My wife is also a minister, so it’s pretty hard to avoid altogether. If however, church became so unmanageable for me and I saw no other option but to leave, I believe she would support me in it. She’s not a huge fan of church or organised religion either. I do agree that church needs to change a hell of a lot. I don’t believe everything in the bible is the absolute truth, nor do I believe it is all factual, nor is everything in it applicable to this day and age….

That aside, what’s the nitty gritty of Tim….

38 years old, married to one wife! with one daughter. I am in a mixed orientation marriage (I am gay, my wife is heterosexual – and yes, she knows). I am a full time theological student, as well as my wife, who is also a minister. We are very progressive.

I come from a very fucked up broken home, rife with relational and emotional dysfunction. From the age of approx four, I was subjected to sexual abuse into adulthood. I was also emotionally, physically and psychologically abused. I was later also spiritually abused within the church and within para church organisations. I also spent years in ex-gay therapy because ‘I had to’ become straight because I was utterly unacceptable to God. In my teens I spent week after week going forward at altar calls because I was never good enough and I wanted to be ‘saved’ and go to heaven.

Church taught me I was a bad person and that I was unacceptable to God. Sexual abuse taught me the only way I could experience love and affection from a man was with my pants down (it’s a little more than that, but you’ll likely get the idea.). My peers taught me that I didn’t make the grade because I wasn’t butch enough for a guy, because I was shit at sports, because my dick was too small, and worst of all, I was a faggot. My family taught me I wasn’t worth enough and that love was conditional and based on performance.

All of my life I’ve been trying to find a place where I can know worth and value simply for who I am, that I have worth, that I’m worth knowing, and that I have something to offer. I experience pockets of this, but life is more of an existence than actually living. And I so want to live.

This is a lot of shit, and I don’t want to come across as a BMW (bitching moaning whinger). I carry an incredible amount of shame and I want to lift my head and keep it there.

There’s loads more to the story, and to me. There is actually some really good stuff, and my hope in that you al get to see it.

If you’ve managed to read this far (even with a meal break), thank you. Despite being fucked up entirely, I actually love vulnerability and transparency….if you have questions, feel free to hit me up with them.

I hope that soon I can call you family, even home.

[AngParticipant]

Hi Tim.  Life is difficult for all of us…. just in different ways.  I think that is what has drawn us to TLS.  But we are a happy group and glad you are with us.

[Anonymous]

Hi Tim – welcome! Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability in sharing your story. Wow! I’m so sorry you experienced so much abuse in so many ways. That really does fuck a person up. I know from having experienced sexual/emotional/spiritual/church abuse plus severe family dysfunction too. (My “preacher father” sexually abused me as a child. At the time, my mother failed to protect me and later on church leaders failed to hold him accountable.)

I get how being sexually abused can mess people up sexually. As a young adult I was in one gay relationship (mainly searching for emotional intimacy), but  my sexual orientation is heterosexual, so I ended it. Then I was in an abusive marriage for 18 yrs, and have been divorced for the last 15 yrs. Since I have huge trust issues with men, in addition to having a chronic illness, I have opted to remain happily single. Probably a cop-out I know, but it is what it is. Maybe I just need to marry a gay guy! Although  I’m sure that comes with its own unique set of challenges.  I sincerely hope its working well for you and your wife.

You said, “All of my life I’ve been trying to find a place where I can know worth and value simply for who I am, that I have worth, that I’m worth knowing, and that I have something to offer.”   I know if you hang out with us here at TLS, you will find all those things and more! (I know that might sound too good to be true, but it’s the real deal!) I’m excited for you, Tim,  because you are embarking on  a journey of living rather than just existing!

I look forward to hearing more from you. There is real freedom here to say whatever you want to say – the good, the bad, the ugly – without ever being judged. So fire away whenever you feel like it!

[TimParticipant]

Thanks so much Jo and Ang for your warm welcomg!

[Author]

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