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I’m Sassy, and I am an ex-churchgoer. I haven’t been to church in about two years. It started when I had breast cancer and was just too tired and worn out on the weekends to attend (I worked the entire time I was in radiation therapy). To be honest, I had been attending for the last decade out of some sense of duty and from peer pressure from other Christians who believe that if you do not attend church something is wrong with you. What I found during this journey is that 1) it can be lonely outside the stained glass, 2) if you get sick and drop out of sight in the sanctuary you are pretty much on your own, 3) as a 40 something single person all this was bound to happen anyway.
I grew up in church, in many denominations, and I affiliate mostly Episcopal/Emergent. I worked for a megachurch for years and got so burned out working at the poverty level and as a woman, below any chance to do anything but what a woman is allowed to do, I stopped attending the church I worked for. I tried ministry again at a church I loved, but after my mother and brother died and the church did nothing and did not contact me at all (I was a deacon) during my time of grief, I walked away, totally broken.
I’ve tried going back. I grow weary of hearing about how everyone else is wrong, how gays are going to hell, and how we shouldn’t judge (after judging everyone else to be wrong). As I’ve dropped out of the sanctuary again, NO ONE cares. Like I said, I was in church leadership. Not that being in church leadership made me special, but you’d think they’d notice that you weren’t there to help them stack chairs, pray over people, serve communion, etc, after a while. Not one phone call, email, or inquiry. That was years ago and I sometimes see these people and they don’t ask when I’m coming back or that they’d like to see me come back.
I’ve forgiven the human beings that hurt me, but organized church has left me dry and lonely. I will never work for another church again. If not for my current co-workers (most of whom follow Jesus or Allah in their own way) and my closest friends who live thousands of miles away, I would be totally alone.
I’m here to work out my spiritual journey. I know what I believe. I’m just trying to figure out how move forward in a safe place. I’m glad I’m here.
AnonymousHi Sassy – I’m glad you are here too! Welcome!!
Oh Sassy, my heart aches for you. A journey like that is so hard.
I have (a very small number of) friends at my (ex) church that are concerned I’m not attending anymore and asking after my spiritual health. It’s as though they don’t know how to be friends otherwise.
Wade.
Welcome to TLS!
Yes @wadebowmer I agree. They cannot relate to me in a non-church environment. They have wonderful lives inside that box, but I can’t live there anymore. I guess our friendship really was on their terms, because I am totally forgotten out here. I know in time I will appreciate that freedom, but for now, it still hurts.
One friend I sometimes play tabletop role-playing games with (Dungeons and Dragons), so we have that in common anyway. I’m fairly sure that others will remember me just for what I brought to the services, but they won’t take the steps of reaching out to find out where I am now!
I get more acceptance at the moment from pagans on things spiritual..
Wade.
I am blessed with great co-workers, but the hours outside of work echo right now. I know that will change. I knew leaving the evangelical box there would be sacrifices. One day those inside the box might look around for me, but you are right, they won’t reach out. And that’s ok. I’m comfortable outside the box. No more suffering trying to shove myself inside it!
Sassy – that is tough. Sadly, not that uncommon – I know of a number of people, including myself, who have found that church is a lovely happy family when you are fine and able to give, but shuns you if you are not. And I know of others who have work for the church in various roles, and have not come out with an entirely positive view!
Hope you find this a good place. If you want to take a look at my website http://www.boredwithchurch.info, there are all sorts of pointers to resources for understanding why not being at church does not mean apostasy. And feel free to get in touch if you want to chat through issues – my public email is up there.
Cheers.
There is a big world outside the stained glass. Sometimes to discover this big world, one has to try some different things that you haven’t done before. Opportunities vary from place to place but I wish you success in finding some interesting activities to meet some interesting people doing non-church related things.
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