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Confession: I like to solve other people’s problems because they seem easier than my own. Is this bad? If so? Help? How do I do other things? I am terrible at being selfish and I like that and it fucks me.
Can you be selfless and take care of yourself at the same time? This is the paradox in which I live. I just want to be perfect is all.
But really, totally a daily question for me. “What does selflessness require and will pride in this dishonour my soul?” is like, my waking thought. Every day.
Well, in my situation I realized that it’s pretty depressing that I’m willing to sacrifice my own happiness just to make other people happy, I used to think that was an honourable thing, that I was so selfless, but when I realized that I’d been doing it for 8 years of my life, I realized that it was cowardly. Consciously choosing to not be happy, just to save myself the guilt of hurting someone else. I think in small doses it’s respectable, but in the larger scale of things, selfishness is necessary, maybe selfishness isn’t the word for it though, more likely ‘self love’ or ‘self respect’.
I stayed in relationships (including friendships) for so long, simply because I am so compassionate that the pain of staying that hurt me, was easier than having to feel the pain I would cause someone else by leaving. I’m still in the process of my most recent ended relationship, the first one I have walked away from willingly, and it’s so hard, but so important and so necessary. Loving yourself is so hard, but so good. I used to be told by so many people that the reason my relationships kept failing was because “God was a jealous God” and that made me feel fucking angry.
My new journey right now is loving myself, any making my OWN spiritual path in discovering who I am, and what I need, and what I want. But man is it scary.
AnonymousPK – Welcome to TLS! (At least I think you’re new???)
You raise some interesting questions. You said you like to solve other people’s problems because it’s easier than solving your own, and asked if that is bad. That depends. I’d say it’s not healthy if you are solving other people’s problems as a means of avoiding dealing with your own problems, or it keeps you from doing things you enjoy. But if that’s not the case and you genuinely like to help others I see nothing wrong with it – as long as the other person wants your assistance, and as long as you are not creating a codependent relationship where that other person always looks to you to solve their problems instead of learning to solve them on their own. I guess it really comes down to whether helping others enhances your life or prevents you from living your own life. If you’re like me, I have a difficult time identifying what it is I really want to do with my life. So it is very easy to slip into “default mode” – doing things for others, being overly involved in the lives of others or immersing myself in some kind of ministry. (I just got through recently doing the latter.)
Love the part where you said: “My new journey right now is loving myself, and making my OWN spiritual path in discovering who I am, and what I need, and what I want.” I can’t think of a better definition for true spirituality, because “God” (the divine/higher power/the universe, etc.) is woven into the very fabric of who we are. I think it was Thomas Merton who said something to this effect: When we find ourselves we find God and when we find God we find ourselves. Buckle in for the ride of your life and enjoy the journey!
I think there an important line to be drawn between “caring for yourself” and “caring for others”. So often, in the church, we are encouraged to put ourselves second and others first, and so deny ourselves. That can be extremely damaging to some peoples self-worth. Of course, those with a very strong sense of self-worth are fine, and often become the church leaders (who, of course, you can all think of, because they are Important Church Leaders).
So yes, thinking of yourself is also important. It is quite possible to think of yourself first, to consider your own needs, but also be considerate of others. I think it is about priorities: Your own core well being first, and then others. So don’t stay in poisonous situations, because they are damaging to you, but also be prepared to help others where it is not damaging to you.
Making your own spiritual journey is important. That is about looking after your needs. Then, IME, you will meet people on your journey who you can help.
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