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Awkward moment last night… my ex-h in his semi-weekly phone call figured out–without me saying– that I’m transgender. I neither confirmed nor denied. Now he seems to think that I believe that I’m ashamed to be a “beautiful woman”. He went on and on about how even when I was 60 lbs heavier, his shipmates were always wanting to check me out.
Well, that info gave me the creeps, honestly. I kept imagining what they must have said. I kept wondering if they would have stopped if I had turned around on that ship and suddenly was a fair faced male. I kept wondering how many of them would be shocked to know that the word “ma’am” grated on my ears like nails on a chalkboard even then. Kept thinking about how much I resented being reduced to a few body parts, a perceived desire to have children, and the last name of another person.
And then I thought about why my ex-h and I were apart to begin with: Yeah….without outlining it, I don’t feel safe enough to be in the same room with him although he’s certainly improved. It’s the only reason why we speak. All of the words that he shouted at me from the past though, I still carry them around like little faded scars. Part of me is surprised that he would even have an opinion. Then I remember that everyone certainly will have one, and I become fearful all over again.
I know he keeps imagining we will be back together one day, but I can’t do that for him considering the events that lead to our divorce. This pretty much seals that door shut on his end. I don’t know whether to be sad that I may have hurt him with the information he guessed anyway, or happy that he can’t keep holding on to an illusion about me, anymore, after 6 years. Was that the only reason why he kept calling? Will he decide he can’t anymore?
I gave him the address to my spirituality blog that I started, but only after I sent the email I realized that it gives it away quite plainly. I grumbled to myself, because I wasn’t quite ready to tell anyone who is current or former family about my TG status. But now it’s out. i don’t mind so much anyone stumbling on my altar, though… go figure.
And yes, he did say he would be bothered by it. He is a pretty standard traditionalist when it comes to the genders… that women should be women and men should be men. It makes him angry to see women and men crossing behavior or clothing. I’ve never understood his stance on all of that… but then I guess this is why I am who I am. *sighs* How in hell did we get married again? I’ve always been very socially liberal in this sort of thing.
I suppose I should be happy in a way: I mean… it was making my skin crawl that I couldn’t tell anyone, yet. I was about to out myself to my nuclear family just because I couldn’t stand it anymore, and then I’d think better about it and hide and make more plan on how to tell with more finesse. I guess now, I didn’t even have to do that work. It was done for me on this particular branch. (The former in-laws still consider me extended family).
Still, though… I feel sad. I may lose a friend…again. Maybe more than one.
Oh, Ren, sending you a huge hug. I so wish life wasn’t so complicated. And that people WOULD accept people for who they are and not try to make them fit into a mold of who they think they should be. I can’t begin to imagine what you are feeling; but I know how some people preached to me just because one of my good friends was gay. And, totally different but it explains the situation, it’s like my pastor uncle who continually brought up my sin of being divorced (even after I had been remarried for over ten years) until the day we found out his son was marrying a divorced woman with kids and we never heard the ‘sin of divorce’ come out of his mouth again. When his life situation changed, his demeaning of other people changed; but the situation of other people he had been demeaning had not.
I’m getting totally off topic here. But people are are meant to be loved and cherished for who they are. A person’s character has nothing to do with their sexual orientation. This so upsets me.
I can understand your being sad. But know that I’m here for you. Sending you good thoughts and know that I am proud of you for being who you are.
AnonymousSad as it is, I think once we “tell our truth” (whether that be about sexual orientation, or about having been sexually or spiritually abused and outing the abuser, or about leaving the church and the tenets of Evangelical Christianity and embracing some other form of spirituality), it is going to result in losses. With truth comes inevitable losses whether we want that to be the outcome or not. Their WILL be friends and family members who cannot handle our truth and that WILL cause separation. Either because they can’t handle our truth so they voluntarily withdraw from the relationship, or because they morph into “Pharisee mode” – and their actions and/or words are so obnoxious and toxic that we must withdraw from the relationship for our own sanity’s sake.
That said, I don’t know if realizing that up front makes it any easier to accept the losses. But maybe it can help brace us a little bit for what is coming. I don’t know. Losing friends and relatives and even religious communities sucks big time! IT HURTS! BAD! And I’m so sorry you are going through that Ren. Wish I could give you a HUGE HUG in person right now!
I understand the fear of outing yourself and then wondering if you were really ready to. I don’t know that we are ever 100% ready. I think we just get to a point where the pain of outing ourselves (and all the collateral fallout that comes with that) pales in comparison to the pain of suffocating inside a prison box that does not allow us to be our true selves. It sounds like that is pretty much the point you are at.
As far as ex-hubby goes, I understand not wanting to lose another friend. But I applaud your courage. Giving him the truth is far kinder than giving him false hope. Hopefully he can move on with his life as you are moving on with yours. I am so proud of you Ren for doing your blog and your art, and for reclaiming “your altar” and the objects, art, and beliefs you felt you could not openly display in the past. YOU ROCK REN!
speaking our truth does much for us. it also makes clear who ‘our’ people are. their truths will come out. are they hateful? are they harmful? are they loving?
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shadow
Wow, that is deep. But now that it is out in the open with him and you know he is bothered by it (which you figured he would be), you are still standing. His opinions have not changed what you know to be true about yourself and they shouldn’t. Eventually he will find out if you make a complete transition. If he cannot handle it, you are likely going to be better off without him even though losing a friend sucks. And maybe this was the best way for it to come out-you have a civil relationship but are physically apart which keeps you safe in a lot of ways.
Good luck, Ren, and know that you have support here at TLS!
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