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David Hayward 3 months, 2 weeks ago.
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I thought this was a very fascinating read on asexuality and relationships. This is based on an interview of an asexual couple who are married. I know there are some members of TLS who consider themselves asexual. Maybe this will be helpful and affirming.
That and some of the web site he quoted has been very interesting although there seems to be little about asexuals who drift into marriage. I’ve always been a ‘fish out of water’. I had never been interested in ‘girls’ – they usually irritated me. I was 22 when a foursome developed at the church we were attending – Daphne, Barbara, Ken and myself. Several months later Daphne started getting serious about Ken. Ken didn’t want to know and told me he couldn’t continue. I subsequently lost touch with Ken who as far as I know never married. Daphne took it badly and subsequently explored the possibility of becoming a nun. When I talked to Barbara about what we were going to do, we decided that the two of us would just go on meeting as if nothing had changed. Neither of us had ever had a serious relationship. We knew that we needed each other. It was several months later that we decided that if we were going to get married we would not want to stay in London. I found another job and it was then that I asked Barbara’s mother (who I had got to know well) if we could get engaged. I can’t remember the exact words, but basically she said she did not approve because I didn’t love her daughter, but if that’s what Barbara wants she was not going to stand in her way, and we’ve now been married 54 years. A couple of years after we were married Barbara’s mother (who had had Multiple Sclerosis for several years) was faced with the choice of moving into a home in London or coming to live with us (a choice that every one of our family members were against). I had a tremendous respect for Barbara’s mother and she lived with us for over 5 years before she died. By this time we had a daughter (and subsequently had a son).
Fast forward 40 years to 2008. It was at this time that I became aware of Aspergers Syndrome and the Autistic Spectrum. This was something I had never heard of. When I mentioned it to my son, I found that a psychologist had just suggested that his daughter was autistic and it might be AS. One of my daughter’s children has also been diagnosed with AS.
Needless to say this led to a lot of studying of the subject. It was when I read that most people with AS never marry, and that we have difficulty in expressing emotions, that so much began to fit into place.
It was in a strange way one of the most exciting discoveries I had ever made, because it helped to explain why I think the way I do.
There have been a number of times in the past where I have been conscious of ‘thinking with my fingers’ – and this is one of those occasions. I have just realised while typing, that at that time (in 2008) I had been attending church with Barbara rather reluctantly for 3-4 years. Shortly after this there was a sermon that became the ‘straw that broke the camels back’ and I had to tell Barbara that I could no longer attend church with her. That has been a challenge for both of us because all of our family consider themselves atheists / non-believers – and this restricts a lot of conversation. BUT I’ve had the freedom to THINK FOR MYSELF and reflect on a lot of the common ground that Barbara and I have (having been involved with a Sabbath=keeping cult for some 20years).
Other members of TLS are familiar with Aspergers Syndrome and may find this interesting.
So Peter I don’t see where you explicitly say you have AS. You believe you do? Fascinating story btw.
Both are fascinating . . .
I found this article very validating and comforting!
I largely identify as asexual, and have always felt completely like a fish out of water with all things sexual. This was so abnormal within my church culture, and it confused everyone that I never was concerned about boys and had no interest in growing up to become a happy little wife and homemaker.
I am currently in a relationship with another (primarily asexual) girl and we have agreed to experiment with things, however we still view ourselves and our relationship primarily in the context of best friends/soul mates, with anything sexual definitely being on the back burner. It feels uncomfortable whenever we try to frame it in any other way.
So comforting to know that there are other people making things work on their own terms!
I think it’s important to learn how to be comfortable with exactly the way we are rather than what we or others wish us to be.
Fascinating article. I wonder sometimes about our obsession with sex and if what we really want is connection. That marriage sounds wonderful really, though I’m not ready to get rid of sex altogether myself…
Me neither.
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