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David Hayward 1 year, 4 months ago.
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I’m having a bad morning/early afternoon.
Last night, I was praying, feeling Godde as a delighted feminine presence. Today, I worry still I’m on the brink of “apostasy” even though I don’t believe in “apostasy.” Even though I KNOW, at least in a very personal way, Godde does delight in me. Even though since I went AWOL from “orthodoxy” Godde and I seem to have a personal shorthand.
Recovery feels like labor. Something new is being born–self-worth, hope, happiness–but the pain and pressure rise in cycles. There’s something new happening, but it hurts. I feel crazy right now because of my experiences with the Divine Feminine.
I guess I just needed to vent. And to be crazy in community. lol.
AnonymousI know what you mean by “Recovery feels like labor.” Also, there was an author, I can’t remember his/her name, who said something like the childish spirituality within ourselves has to die before the adult spirituality can be born. Sometimes I feel like it is dying, but is fighting death tooth and nail, so the result is drawn-out and painful.
@Alyson, yes! It rails, rails against the dying of the light.
And, thank you, so much. Most of this morning I was wondering what the hell dying to self and being born again meant, those two paradoxical currents. In one fell swoop, you’ve kinda provided insight: let the unhealthy die and the healthy be born. lol.
Yay synchronicity.
AnonymousAnna – For me, it’s more like “dying to religion” (and all its craziness/distortions/dysfunction/LIES/shame) and “being born again” (in the sense that I am shedding my “false selves” that religion and my parents demanded I create, and NOW it is finally okay be/become who I really am. And I’m finally giving myself permission to respect, honor and trust my own heart, mind, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc. (The very things the church told me NEVER to trust – which turned out to be pure bullshit!)
For 50+ years I was searching for God and myself from external sources which never satisfied my desire to know myself or to know God. It still blows my mind that now that I am looking within myself (because the Divine is within me), I am finding what I was looking for all along! (But since that goes completely against what the church taught me, it is still scary at times to find myself going down this new path which is so different from what I used to believe about God, the Bible, and Christianity. This deconstruction process hasn’t been easy, but it has definitely been worth it so far!
@Jo White. So not easy. Most days it feels, to quote The Birdcage, riding a drunk horse into a burning stable.
I’ve forgotten about that quote. Great one!
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