Church Bullies

[pmpope68Participant]

I copied this excerpt out of a blog post entitled, “Loving Church Bullies” by James Sledge, a pastor in Virginia.  I think in this excerpt he nails well the church bully and how they are dealt with (or not).

 

“Churches have a remarkable knack for enabling and even encouraging anti-social, dysfunctional, and manipulative behaviors. Because most congregations have a cardinal rule of “Be nice,” bullies, antagonists, and people with no power anywhere else discover that churches are loathe to call them out on their behaviors. Indeed such folks often occupy key leadership roles, and they can contribute to premature departures of pastors and other church staff. 

 

Of course such folks sometimes go too far, creating a showdown of sorts. Tempers flare. Words are exchanged. But this upsets the culture of nice which must be restored, and peacemakers will work diligently to get one party (rarely the bully) to extend an olive branch. And “nice” rules once more.”

[pmpope68Participant]

He concludes with this paragraph:

“So how are we to love church bullies and troublemakers? I think it starts with acknowledging that some of our “Be nice” behaviors are not about love at all. They are about avoiding the hard work of real love. It is easier and less painful for us to ignore them, avoid them, or let them have their way. Unless they get us so mad we explode, and of course very little that looks anything like love often comes from that.”

 

I’m glad he addresses the “be nice” behavior.  One thing I’ve learned is often those who want peace so badly often don’t realize how sometimes it can be the least peaceful thing to do particularly when that peace results in covering up and shutting up rather than dealing directly with the issues.

[starfielderParticipant]

I’m finding, after all of these years, that sometimes it’s better to walk away. Let the bully, who is an asshole usually can live in their own shit. I am all for moving on and letting them.

[Anonymous]

I’m with you @starfielder. I said to a pastor’s wife once when she asked me how I was that it had been a tough week for me, that I had been expereincing attack and it’s going to be no more Mr nice guy with a smile on my face. The usual banter. Word got back to the pastor and he told me “you should always be a nice guy”. We had a talk where I had some things to say about that and his response was to feel threatened and say “I feel you are attacking me”. And he engaged with me as if I was doing something wrong for not being a “nice guy” and as if I was attcking him. This when on for a while until I mentieond something to him in private about him that I promised for the sake of his dignity I would keep between us and not share with anyone else. That stopped him in his tracks. And when I left we shook hands and parted company.

I am blessed with a mother who, when I was bullied as school didn’t pander to my feelings but said to me that what I needed to do was to go out and stand up the the bully because behind every bully is a coward.

I agree with starfiielder. I would add that I woudn’t let what that pastor has done affect me. And the best way of having freedom from that has been in fogiving him, wishing him well and being glad for him when he is doing well for himself.

I’ve been back to that church and visited a couple of times – and when I look in his eyes I see fear. I expereince fear too but the way I see it is that sometimes being brave and having confidence is about facing fear and not letting fear be the master but love. I beleive love to be the most powerful force in the universe

I love this girl I saw in a you tube clip – she is a brave girl!
She says “I can’t sleep at night. Why are you doing this!  I want justice. Stop! He is my bestest friend and I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM. In his eyes I see the sun in his eyes I see the moon. And I wonder, I always wonder – who is right and who is wrong and I wonder I always wonder if the truth has a tongue!!”  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZ6Oc0qVqcE 
 

[Author]

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