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AnonymousIn 2008, I stepped down and walked away from my decade as a pastor. I remember specifically I had told my congregation I was tired of being a spiritual tour guide. You know, a tour guide who takes people through all the places he’s been a thousand times and shows them how to avoid the dangers of navigating the terrain. The previous 12 months had been a tough year for me. I was watching my marriage fall apart – like watching a train wreck in slow motion and my fears had paralyzed me into any fortuitous action. Concurrent with this was a crisis of faith, if you could call it that. My Pandora’s Box experience I had the summer before had opened my mind to a much greater realm than my lifelong “Christian” box had held. The first 36 years of my life had always been about hearing the voice of God and now I wanted to understand ALL of what God had been saying, not just to the Israelites. So I packed my pastor bags and told my congregation that I was no longer able to be their tour guide. I wanted to be an explorer….and an explorer doesn’t take his group with him – people die that way.
So my solitary journey took me to some crazy ass places. Trust me. This was my Hero’s Journey and it was the ordeal of my life. I cannot express how grateful I am for what I learned – and I don’t mean that in a static sense. I don’t mean to imply that there was a set of data that I consumed and now I’m done. It’s a much more dynamic thing than that. It’s like my brain was re-wired completely. I learned a great deal of facts and data, certainly. But more importantly, I grew into new lenses, new filters that I will never be able to take off. Sometimes, in moments of grandeur, I like to think that what actually happened were that my filters were finally removed and I actually see things as they are now – but I don’t think we ever truly get there until we shed the most restrictive and metaphorical chains we possess – our language. However, I’m quite happy with the lenses I have now. They are much more open. Much more loving. Much more holistic, healthy, beautiful, life-giving and honest. They make sense within the universe.
As I’ve stated before, many places, I consider myself a mystic and a mythicist. I am a Jungian. I am a qabalist. I do not believe one whit in an anthropomorphic deity, yet I understand the importance of the metaphor. I think the gods we shape say more about our ideas about ourselves than anything else.
Having said that, I can’t shake the fact that I feel, as anyone following a Hero’s Journey, that there is a return ahead of me. In fact, I feel as if I’m already on the road to return – the idea of coming back to the village a changed person, as the hobbits came back to the shire only to kick ass and clear out Saruman and his minions who had enslaved everyone while they were away. However, I’m fairly certain there’s no room for my ideas in Christianity. I’m not even certain if there was room, would I want inside it. I’m uncertain of a lot. I told someone the other day I feel as if I’m in the midst of a sort of homecoming, but I have no idea what the fuck I’m coming home to. Or more precisely, what home that may be.
Christianity is so insidious, in my opinion. No more than most other western religions, but insidious nonetheless. Yes, it’s the faith of my fathers, and it’s the primary western metaphor. The language is simple to inhabit and easily utilized, but I think there is simply too much shit for the baby or the bathwater to remain. Throw out the bathwater and the baby with it. However, remodel the bathroom to something more conducive to health and growth, and what you have is still a bathtub, a place to bathe, all the elements of the latter forms, but new…clean…fresh.
Am I making any sense at all? Does any of this sound familiar? I feel so divided. I want NOTHING to do of Christianity, but the spirit of the Christ still calls to me. I don’t ever want to call myself a Christian again. I do not believe one inch of a literal dying/rising god whether we’re talking about Jesus or Horus or Osiris or Mithris, except for the grand beauty of what that myth means. I don’t have any stomach whatsoever for the mental gymnastics it takes to justify the abuse asshole father written about as Yahweh in the Hebrew scriptures. The language there gives us more of a clue about the mindset of the Israelites than it does a window into the Divine. I don’t trust the “authority” of Christian scripture any more than I would trust the “authority” of the Gilgamesh epic or the Baal Cycle.
So.
Then why the hell do I have such an affinity for the idea of belonging somewhere? I mean, I get it on a certainly level – humanity is tribal, we need our people. But really. Fuck that, that’s an easy answer. What is it about The Christ nature that calls to me beyond the semantics of the mythicists, the literalists, the dispensationalists, the giveashitists. I don’t believe in Jesus, but I have a real experience of The Christ that I can’t deny. I had to leave Christianity to find it, but I’ve also found there’s no real place for the Christ in Christianity either – not that I’ve seen. And if there WERE a place for The Christ in Christianity, I’m not sure I’d find him/her in there. She’s allergic to form and function like that. He hates the way the label’s been used. This I know.
So, for those of us longing to manifest The Christ in our daily incarnation, what do we call ourselves? Where do we go? Who is our tribe? Humanity? Again, easy answer. Fuck it. Where is it? We’re a people divided by religions already, the answer certainly isn’t another religion.
Right now, I’m not sure I know the answer. I just know these are the thoughts I have and I am finally ready to talk about them. So there you go. Have fun.
Yes yes yes yes yes… All this and then some. I am not alone, and neither are you…
If you need a label or definition, humanity will do – messy, divided, territorial, rigid, possessive, exclusive, aggressive, wary – but also creative, expansive, curious, open, compassionate, empathic, inspired and inspiring. What a crazy mixed up lot we are – horrible and wonderful all at the same time.
I’ve no interest in any type of organized religion (or organized much of anything) and if there is something that might be considered “God” I’m certain it is very different than the various beings or entities humans have constructed to describe, define, and proscribe such a thing. I think the largest part of what you call “Christ” is the better part of being human – that which looks beyond the surface to the heart; desires compassion, understanding, and wisdom which ennobles and enables the best in others and oneself.
I see mysticism and spirituality not as something supernatural – not outside the bounds of nature – but as an intimately interwoven part of the fabric of what it means to be fully human. Wonder, mystery, the sense – realization – of connectedness with all that is – arise at the intersection intelligence, creativity, and hope.
Anonymous@Shae This fucking rocks! Thanks for throwing it up… heh
“So, for those of us longing to manifest The Christ in our daily incarnation, what do we call ourselves? Where do we go? Who is our tribe? Humanity? Again, easy answer. Fuck it. Where is it? We’re a people divided by religions already, the answer certainly isn’t another religion.”
I think we call ourselves human – I mean is that not what the Christ truly represents in all of the myths? The ability to see and fully appreciate humanity in all of its darkness and light – the ability to see the you in me? Wanting to manifest the christ in our daily incarnation imo is like saying it is time to join with our fellow human beings and shed things like race, religion, gender, sexual preference – all the things that divide us, the constructs put there by religion and politics. But that is just the tip of the iceberg… I believe…
Anonymouslol @Syl We just used the same label simultaneously… Great minds and all that… lol
This is the most eloquent, amazing, and comforting pile of barf I’ve ever seen.
Truly, Shae, you’ve captured my journey (sans the pastor part, but I have my own equivalent).
Yes, there is a longing to belong, which for me keeps leading me inward to find a belonging in what is within, which is NOT, as I was taught for the first 25 years of my life, sinful, nasty, and needing to be subdued, pummelled and discarded. As I feel more at home with my own inner being, I feel more at home with those around me, whoever they may be. (Although I still wrestle with wanting to drop kick certain religious types into a black hole.)
I really want “Like” buttons (or something) for posts and comments… Thumbs up or hugs or something for Shae, John, and Janelle!
nice vomit @the-shaeman! it resonates with me.
Thanks for sharing Shae, but hey , don’t apologize for barfing . Barfing is one thing that is real. We all have to do it, it keeps us from staying sick. I’m sure all of you know what I mean.
Man you said a mouth full, and I know exactly what your talking about. We do need to get past language because it is full of filters and no 2 people speak the same language.
I like what Ann Rice said:
“For those who care, and I understand if you don’t: Today I quit being a Christian. I’m out. I remain committed to Christ as always but not to being “Christian” or to being part of Christianity. It’s simply impossible for me to “belong” to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group. For ten years, I’ve tried. I’ve failed. I’m an outsider. My conscience will allow nothing else.” ~ Anne Rice
I call myself a follower of the Christ. We can never be Jesus, real or not, but we can be the Christ to those around us in need of the Christ. You can take the last part of that sentence any way you like: metaphysically speaking, metaphorically or what ever.
AnonymousSo well said. I keep wanting to write about where i am at, this is close. Of course all it can ever be is close, because my journey is mine. One of the mistakes we make is looking for a label, a system, a theology that we can slap on. I guess that’s what we call the faith journey, believe, behave, belong and then of course, sell and defend.
I’d never heard of Joseph Campbell, but like the Hero’s Journey model. I guess I’ve got some new work to study.
I’m curious about where one finds the kind of mentor who is not polluted by religious ideology.
Thanks Shaeman. Oh, and that wasn’t puke, paint remover maybe, but not puke.
I can relate to this as well. I find myself frequently struggling to find some sort of label that fits – if nothing else because it’s easier than trying to explain to people who ask. (Because I work at a seminary, I do get asked often.) No label seems to fit, though. I’m probably closest to the unprogrammed Quakers, but I don’t completely fit there either.
I, too, feel like I am coming back home to a place where I’ve never been before and can’t entirely make sense of what that means. I do consider myself a follower of Christ, but I struggle with the term “Christian” given all the baggage that word has and the fact that it doesn’t allow for the other parts of me that don’t fit within that label.
Living outside the normal “boxes” isn’t always easy.
Anonymous@Shae Cottar
We were created to be in community whatever “community” is called, whatever it looks like.
And, have you read “The Shack” ..your post made me think of that book, and that journey, for some reason.
Other than that, I have no deep theological insights (that’s not me) but wish you well on your journey “home” wherever that ends up to be for you.
I can certainly empathize with the feeling of not wanting anything more to do with Christianity. I see a golden thread in it’s teachings but the whole of it has been spoiled for me by my experiences. I can also understand the desire to belong to some sort of group or label and I’m still struggling through all those feelings myself. It’s difficult to come from a structure of a religion and community and then find yourself in a spiritual wilderness very far from that structure and community…that’s why I’m so glad a place like the lasting supper exists.
One thing I’ve concluded is that a part of the labeling and direction we feel we need is really just the conditioning of our past religious experiences. We’ve been so dependent on being spoon fed by the religious system that in some way it feels crazy to think that we can truly be our own spiritual guides. I think that’s why many stay in the structure of the system; they’re afraid to really take charge of their spiritual journey and understandably so. Somehow I think we need to shed that conditioning and I don’t think there is a magic formula for this other than time and learning to trust our “gut” so to speak. I’m making use of the exodus from Christianity by looking into various spiritual views and finding a wealth of nourishment and entertainment just in that exercise.
Beyond that I guess my advice would be to just not rush yourself into a label or anything like that. It’s just not necessary. We’re all just playing this spiritual thing by ear and anyone that says different is full of it, I say. Take the spirit of Christ or whatever you feel as the source leading you and simply follow that wherever it seems to lead.
Ouch! It sounds like parts of your journey wre very painful, Shae… beyond the ability of words to express.
I, too, wonder what exactly I am coming home to – and I am becoming more and more convinced that this earth can only ever offer me a temporary home.
AnonymousShae-man – I totally get the longing to belong somewhere – to some group of people. I really do, and it sucks! But I think Savage is right. I think we just have to find community wherever we can and be satisfied with that. We have to find a “new norm.” Granted, it probably won’t ever be that “intangible something” we long for (the kind of community Christianity has so thoroughly ruined for us), but it sure beats subjecting ourselves to spiritual abuse in order to feel loved.
Sadly on one hand – but gladly on the other – we can never go back “home” again (if home is Christianity the way the institutional church practices it.) Because the church/traditional Christians will NEVER view us as the hero returning with the magic elixir that will bring life and vitality to our tribe. Not only does that tribe not know they need such an elixer, they don’t want one. The only people they view as heroes are people who return with even more mind-numbing, spiritually sounding legalistic/abusive Bible studies, books, seminars, religious/patriarchal/right-wing BS ad nauseum!) Sadly that is all they know and anything else is too much of a threat to their fragile belief system. It never even occurs to them something better than lifelessness exists. At least we’re not stuck in that camp anymore!
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