This topic contains 31 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by 
David Hayward 1 year, 12 months ago.
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AnonymousTana,
I am so very sorry you are going through such heartbreak right now. I too experienced the demise of my relationships with my mother and best friend, so I know what you are going through, and it hurts like hell!
Words are so inadequate at a time like this, but words are all I have to offer, so I offer the words of a poem. It was written at a time in my life when I was reeling from mind-boggling betrayal, and the surreal loss and grief that followed when BOTH my mother and best friend for 34 years refused to believe my “preacher-father” had sexually abused me and my nieces. (My mom and best friend are both died in the wool, legalistic Evangelicals too, so that also played a huge part in all this. They are in complete denial and always will be.)
Anyway, I hope these words offer you comfort and hope…
LOSS
I used to have a special friend,
A “kindred spirit” on whom to depend;
Now she says I’m the one to blame
For refusing to fan a dying flame.
I cannot believe more rocks have been thrown
Into the water — My losses have grown —
Is there no end to the devastation I’ve known?
The ripples grow and grow more wide,
Where – oh where – can my soul run and hide
From yet another painful loss?
My deepest pain they have all tried to gloss
Over with this most pious-sounding word…
“Reconciliation” is all I’ve heard.
Forgiveness overlooked; righteous anger’s now stirred!
Thank you Jesus this very day
For knowing my heart much better than they.
You know the games that people play;
Religious hypocrisy keeps You at bay!
Disbelief and betrayal You understood
As You hung on the cross — That’s why You could
Promise out of such pain to bring good!
You don’t stand with pointed finger,
You understand and knowingly linger.
While hugging me close to Your chest,
Only in You do I find hope and rest.
No hidden motives to cause me alarm;
Nurturing comfort I’ve found in Your arms.
You’re my shelter and refuge from all of life’s harm.
Just one more thing I’d like to say,
This prayer of thanksgiving I now do pray:
Jesus – oh my precious Jesus –
Thank You for Your love and grace that frees us,
For inner child restoration, and such
An awesome, ultimate, “soul-healing touch” –
That my entire life I have needed so much!
TANA – PLEASE BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL RISE FROM THE ASHES STRONGER AND MORE HEALED THAN YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE RIGHT NOW – BECAUSE YOU WILL!!! (I did, and so will you!)
AnonymousJo – thank you for sharing your poem here with me and us. I’m in awe of people who write poetry. I could relate my situation to so much of it. It fit beautifully.
There will be healing.
AnonymousI am here, reading y’all’s posts, I have had this pain too. I am gonna have to invest in a stockpile of tissues to come on this site everyday. I don’t know if I can do it. lol. I keep feeling myself get sucked in though. I guess I really needed to let some tears out for pressure control. Thanks for the tears, I mean it. That is a wonderful poem Jo.
AnonymousYou’re welcome. It seems like the only time I can write poetry is when I have been in the depths of a very intense crisis and I am finally seeing some clarity.
I wrote one about my mom too, but I didn’t include that one in my post to you because I never had a loving relationship with my mother to begin with. So not having a relationship with her has been more of a relief than anything else. It is way TOO crazy-making for me to even try to have a relationship with her. Not doing so has been very freeing and made my life a lot easier.
But every situation is different so I’m NOT saying you should cut all ties with your mom. You will have to figure out what you can put up with and what you can’t and then draw your boundaries accordingly. It is perfectly OK to have (and to enforce) personal boundaries, whether the other person understands and accepts them or not.
You have to do what is in your own best interest. That is not being selfish, it is simply doing what you need to do in order to remain psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. I wish you much success in all of that.
AnonymousMy mom just called to check in to see how I am. I almost didn’t answer but then I did and she just calmly chatted with me a little and asked if I was feeling better than yesterday.
This act is gracious and kind. It does not mean that everything is peachy either though. BUT – what it reminded me is this: I can’t make sweeping declarations about our relationship in the future. I only can be and operate in this moment. I can only take any given situation moment by moment.
Thanks for the reminder, Universe.
so true. i’ve learned that as well.
AnonymousKathy, your post snuck in there while I was responding to Tana’s post, so I didn’t see yours until after hitting the submit button. I’m sorry you too have experienced betrayal and/or the loss of relationships with important people in your life. That is just the pits!
I know what you mean about crying – I don’t like to cry either – but it really is a necessary part of the healing process. So in that sense, I’m glad you’re reading all these posts and finding yourself in tears. Take out stock in the Kleenex company and get rich at the same time – ha! Thanks for the kind words about my poem.
AnonymousI’m glad your mom made the effort to call you, and that you realize that wasn’t easy for her to do. Even though that doesn’t mean everything is hunky-dory now, at least she is making an effort. Realizing you just need to take things moment by moment with her is a huge epiphany. Congrats! The less expectations you have of her, the less friction there will be between you. Baby steps – just take baby steps!
AnonymousThat last post was for Tana. I am getting things all screwed up today – sorry!
Tana, About you loosing your two dogs so close to each other. My husband and I had gotten two dogs that were born two weeks apart in age. And I could not believe this when it happened but when they were 14, they died two weeks apart. I thought I was going to die too. They were my kids and loosing them so close together really was hard.
You’ve had so much going on. Seems like sometimes so much happens all at the same time. It is like you are down so everything around says, oh, let’s take another shot at her while she’s down.
I’m glad your Mom called.
AnonymousLove to you, Ang. I never understood “people and their dogs” until I got my own and even then – you learn so much as the years go by and by the time they pass on, wow – animals of all stripes are such teachers. My pups stole my heart in the best possible way. I was fortunately to be their mama for a time. Now I have a puppy who is helping with the grief. A new teacher! I’m sorry for your loss as well, Ang. Forever in our hearts.
Jo – that was a welcome and peaceful epiphany! Thanks.
Tana, Glad you have a puppy. I was hurting so much after my two dogs died that I said I would never get another dog. But about six months later I got one. He was five years old when I got him. Then about a year later, I decided he needed a sibling. So now I have two kids again.
Yes, they are great teacher. I say that I am fortunate that these two let me live with them. They have me well trained and I mind them quite well.
Love, and hug that puppy for me!
AnonymousI like to think of dogs as “angels with fur” because that is what mine have been to me!
I live alone and I don’t know what I would do without my beloved dog, Rocky. He is such a great companion. He’s a great listener and he never talks back – ha!
Glad you have “puppy love” in your life again Tana!
AnonymousYou guys let me cry and be upset and you supported me and listened and gave great advice. I appreciate that so much.
I wanted to give GOOD news – I just got off the phone with my mother (2 hour call) and it was a GOOD conversation. Loving, kind, active listening.
Being in the NOW, I have no idea and I don’t care how long this lasts or what conversations look like in the future. I’m just really joyful about today’s.
AnonymousThat is GREAT news!! So happy for you Tana!!
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