Diving in.

[Anonymous]

Hi all.  I joined this group today to find support, be support and get a sense of myself through relating with others.  I am in a rather interesting situation and period in my life.  I am in relationship with a man I met and moved in with almost immediately…  I had been away from the church three years.  The first year of our togetherness was okay but trying because I relocated from the deep southern state of Louisiana to what is known in some circles as the lesbian San Francisco: Northampton, MA.  This was certainly culture shock not to mention a complete change in getting used to my physical surroundings and weather patterns.  The culture shock wasn’t about the abundance of outwardly gay women but the whole lack of Southern hospitality and cultural diversity (people of color).  Anyway, it just plain felt for the first year like I was just floating around in awe of everything.  The amazing thing is that I have been afforded time to explore who I am, what I like and where I stand on many many issues.  Looking back I see where I have grown big time.  As all humans have a tendency to do, I digress.  Here is where I get into the nitty gritty.   I went to my guy and told him I felt convicted about living with him unwed and we needed to do something about this: I needed to stop having sex with him and either I move out or he marry me.  I thought for sure he would never do such a thing (marry) and as in all lying, eventually we have to own up to the truth.  Well…shortly after my announcement, he asked me to marry him.  I learned since then that I was reacting to events that triggered memories and feelings from past childhood sexual abuse.  I wasn’t able to be authentic at the time nor was I even able to identify what was really going on with me.   We both set out (before and after marriage) to find the “right church” something he had left entirely in his teens (we are both over 40).  Sparing you the ugly details, we endured abuse and ended up divorced less than a year into the marriage…though we still consider ourselves committed to spending our lives together (now I am questioning this).  I have been seeing a therapist for almost 5 years who has helped me through lots of the incest issues.  In Oct. 2012 I found out that Louisiana statute of limitations for incest runs out for me on my birthday this year.  Dec. 21, 2012 I reported the crimes done to me as a child.  My dad was picked up a month ago and spent one night in jail, he was out on a $500,000 bond the next day.  My youngest son along with most of my immediate family is not speaking to me.   Now I am learning that the guy I have been with may not be the type of guy I want to spend the rest of my life with…  I have been to some group meetings like Survivors of Incest Anonymous but am worn out with some components of 12 step groups …they are what directed me to searching for a spiritual path over 30 years ago to begin with and quite frankly don’t trust folks in the rooms for various reasons which I am glad to chat with you privately about.  Three weeks ago I moved out of my lover’s house because I kept falling into destructive patterns of neglecting my own authenticity.  I now am in a wonderful situation in which I think was divinely orchestrated.  I look after an elderly woman with Alzheimer’s in exchange for rent in a lovely little lake house.  My guy and I are “starting over” and though I understand his love for me, I really need to stand in my truth.  Misogyny is not okay, even for people who don’t have abuse in their history.  Unfortunately our society in the US promotes such behavior.   I know that may sound like it was just pulled out of  the blue but it does relate.

so, there you have it..in a nutshell…some of me

Thanks for your time.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

Wow Jennifer. Thanks for sharing such a fascinating and personal story. I welcome you to TLS. You sound like a very strong person.

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