Empty Me

[servantgirlParticipant]

I make a lot of music reference in my comments/posts.  I’ve always loved music and I sang on the worship team.  I love words and lyrics.  The one thing that I miss the most from religion is the music.  I’m one of those freakishly annoying people who knows a song for everything that’s going on

I read a wonderful post made earlier today on the forum by Jo White where she described what it felt like to have her identity stolen by the church.  Her post reminded me of the song, “Empty Me” by Jeremy Camp.  I have an hour long commute to work each way.  During that time it’s usually me and the music.  About a year before I left the church I was driving home from work and that song came on.  I’d sang it song dozens of times before, but never really thought about the lyrics until then:

Holy Fire burn away, 
My desire for anything 
That is not of you and is of me.
I want more of you and less of me. 
Holy Fire burn away, 
My desire for anything 
That is not of you and is of me, 
I want more of you and less of me, yeah. 
Empty me, 
Empty me, yeah, 
Fill, won’t you fill me, 
With you, with you, yeah.

I remember thinking, “Whoa!  What am I really asking for here?”  I had to unpack that one and spent some time with my pastor working through it.  I was already well into my struggling phase and needed to understand why relinquishing “me” and being filled with “Him” was such a good idea.  How much of myself was I allowed to keep.  Did God want us to be automatons, filled with his instructions, only doing what we thought he wanted to us to do?  Or did he want more from us?  I never believed that God called me to be empty or wanted Him to be what filled me, yet I sang the words to that song in my car, in my home, at a Jeremy Camp concert, and in front of my congregation without reserve.

Of course the desire here is for God to fill the spiritual spaces, not stop you from living a full life.  However looking back I can clearly see the marked difference in my spiritual freedom now than it was when I was a believer.  I’m really glad that I never allowed myself to be “emptied.”  It was tough enough repairing the damage done.  I can’t imagine how much harder it would have been if I’d had my desire for anything that was not of God burned away.

• This topic was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  David Hayward.
• This topic was modified 2 years ago by  David Hayward.
• This topic was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  David Hayward.

[Shira CParticipant]

Oh my goodness, what a very deep post!

Like you, I’ve often sung songs I don’t actually agree with — I like your term “without reserve”. It’s a question of finding the central truth in the song, that lies below the words, I think.

Also, the idea of deconstructing the self is an important one for me. It is somewhere near the center of Buddhist practice, but it is often misunderstood. I think that if I were to deconstruct my self on the one hand, and then try to fill that vacuum with ANOTHER self — a God-concept, for instance — it would not get me anywhere. It strikes me as (I’m sort of struggling for words here) a meaningless substitution.

Instead, what I imagine is tearing down defensive barriers around my heart. The aim, as far as I can imagine it, is to be so integrated into the whole reality of the universe that small-self is mostly irrelevant. I don’t often manage that, and never for very long, but I think it’s a real possibility, and a kind of progress, or healing. (Sorry I cannot really say what I mean. I hope it doesn’t strike you as incoherent.)

[debbiedarlineParticipant]

What an interesting discussion!  I am currently on a worship team where I regularly lead worship singing songs with lyrics that I no longer believe.  I do believe in what I feel is the “love behind” the words, and I hope and pray that if people’s lives are touched by the song they will feel that too. When I am really being honest with myself, I worry that I am misleading people who also want to believe that those lyrics contain truth.  I sing with my very conservative pastor and his wife who really are true-blue believers.  The other folks on our worship team don’t say much but I suspect that they are quite liberal and possibly struggling just as much as I am.

[servantgirlParticipant]

@ Shira C, I think I get you.  I like the concept of deconstruction one’s self as well.  What I don’t like is the idea of using a secondary being when you start to rebuild yourself.  I had to strip away everything I knew about faith – from my super fundamentalist Baptist childhood, to the contemporary evangelical non-denominational church I attended when I left religion.  I had to lay myself bare in order to find out who I truly was.  What is most refreshing to me is when I got to the other side of it I found that I had changed very little.  I was the same person I was except I no longer called myself a Christian.  I was always a caring, loving, and moral person.  I did not need a god in my life to support that.

@ Debbie, I also understand you.  I’ve talked about the song “Stained Glass Masquerade” from Casting Crowns here before.  It came on one Sunday as I was driving home from church and I pulled over and wept.  The lyrics represented how I felt standing in front of the body and performing.

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they’ll soon discover
That I don’t belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything’s okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I’ll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them
Is there anyone who’s been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who’s traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

When I first started the worship team it was about just that – worship and praise.  I could minister to people with my voice and be blessed by their response, but it had nothing to do with me.  I believed, or at least I’d been told, that God had given me that as a spiritual gift.  Then I started doubting and having questions that were bigger than my faith.  I remember the last Sunday I sang and looking out at everyone with their voices and arms raised.  I knew the words were beautiful, but I felt nothing.  I stepped down from the worship team and teaching Sunday school after that because I felt that I was lying to my friends.  I had ‘performed’ long enough.

I know that you can deliver the lyrics passionately even if you don’t believe them, but there was a sense of guilt that went along with that for me that I was unable to shake.  I don’t know all the dynamics, but I do know that if you’re having those concerns, you may want to consider a break.  As a fellow singer I know how it feels to look out into the eyes of people.  That can be tough if you feel you’re deceiving them.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  servantgirl.

[Shira CParticipant]

servantgirl, I too had to stop singing in Christian churches after awhile — I lost track of the truth inside the uncongenial words. I was able to hang on to music by singing with Unitarians for a few years. And then my voice was taken away for several years. (Turns out I had a very large growth on my thyroid that was pushing my trachea way out of line!) During that time, I took up guitar. And then recently, they found and removed the growth, and my voice is coming back.

So what I’m saying is, I hope you do not lose the music because you have stopped being a church singer. There are so many things wrapped up here — words and music and communication with listeners and connection with other musicians and also, underneath, that spark of truth that inspired the words and music. If you can untangle that, select the threads that resonate for you and gently let go of the rest….

[servantgirlParticipant]

Oh Shira, I have most definitely not lost the music!  I don’t watch, or even own a television so music is an integral part of my life.  

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