ex.haust.ed.

[enjolrasinhispyjamasParticipant]

I am so completely exhausted.

I left the cult I grew up in almost exactly 11 months ago. I knew it would take plenty of time for things to get sorted, but I didn’t expect it to almost feel like I’d never left.

For me, it’s not so much the mental/theological deconstruction that’s been so difficult. It’s having to completely rebuild my life from scratch. I guess it’s one thing to leave, and quite another thing to move on. When I said goodbye to my church, I said goodbye to my family, all my friends, my support network, the only lifestyle I’d been exposed to. I was so isolated – the past 11 months have mostly been me shut in my room, curled up in bed trying to escape.

I’m living in a new country, I’m without a job, no money for therapy, no resources to really get around. So far away from everyone. Exhausted. Sometimes I’m desperately trying to find ways to connect with new people, to find things to do that will add meaning to my life. Sometimes I’m hiding under the covers feeling completely helpless, like I’m trapped in a mental cage that I can’t find a way out of. Some days feel like progress. Most days feel like a grey hopeless eternity.

The responses I get are interesting. It seems that generally, people escaping spiritual abuse have at least some kind of outside support to fall back on when they leave. I’m told, “Well, get out more often! Meet people! Make friends! Go to events! Find new things you enjoy!”…………1) as if starting over with almost no support/resources was just that easy, merely one social event away, and 2) as if I hadn’t thought to do those things myself. AND DO YOU EVEN REALISE HOW MUCH ENERGY IS REQUIRED. Apparently it’s unusual to struggle so much over reintegrating one’s self back into society??

I’m so worn out from trying so hard and feeling like I’m getting exactly nowhere. I just want to be done. Who knew that it would be this hard to get my life back? I know it’s not the end, but that doesn’t stop discouragement from taking over 80% of the time. I know I can’t do this on my own, but finding the help that I need is feeling pretty impossible.

Has this been the experience of anyone else escaping abuse (spiritual or otherwise)? If so, how long has it taken for your life to regain a sense of grounding and structure? Is this all that unusual?

• This topic was modified 3 months ago by  enjolrasinhispyjamas.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

THIS IS NOT UNUSUAL!!!! This sounds like me! It does take time. I just want to encourage you to press on. You articulated the struggle so well.

[R2Participant]

Hey that sounds not unusual to me either. It takes time, but don’t lose hope. No shortcuts that I know of. Just time, in years, not months. The family part is hard, because just the mere act of staying home from church without saying anything is enough in fundy land to turn relationships upside down.
If you can just get outside. David runs. I walk. It helps.

[Hannah-LeeParticipant]

Thanks for sharing your struggle. I can relate to the feeling of exhaustion, though my circumstances are a little different. I left my church 16 months ago, and have no intention of being part of organized religion again. I am at peace with that, but am still surrounded by family, friends and aquantances who are pro-church. They see it as a negative thing that I haven’t found a new church to attend. I don’t feel like explaining myself 24/7, and I’ve learned that I don’t have to, but sometimes the dissonance between the real inner me and my social circle who don’t understand that me and don’t really want to, weighs heavy.

Back to you…I hope that you can concentrate on the most basic of things to take care of YOU at this vulnerable time. Focus on connecting with your breathing…deep cleansing breaths. When it all becomes too much and you get that helpless feeling, try that. Be gentle with yourself and don’t push yourself beyond what you can handle. Learning to love yourself is so important (in the beginning I cringed when I heard that phrase, but it is key); talk to yourself like you cherish and love yourself unconditionally. You will be your healthiest YOU when you can do that.

You are not alone. What you are feeling is normal. Give it time and love yourself.

[debbiedarlineParticipant]

Thanks for being courageous enough to share your story with us.
I hope so much that the connections you find here on The Lasting Supper will be helpful and healing to you.
I didn’t grow up in a cult, so I can’t relate well to that pain, but I do have one thought to add. My husband died just after Thanksgiving (USA) last year, and in the last 9 months it feels as though my brain is “re-booting” like a computer, and “re-wiring” itself. Weird. I expected anger, sadness, denial, etc., but the mental changes were unexpected. Perhaps you are going through a bit of the same thing.
Again – hope you are feeling the love from the connections you find here, and thanks again for sharing.

[cowboyjunkeyParticipant]

Thanks for sharing. I think R2 is right – is there something you can do to get outside or get physical somehow? I think connecting to your body can help you connect to your inner self. For me I know this is gardening. Its a long process and I can’t know fully what you are going through but you’re in the right place here.

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