Families can often be toxic

[servantgirlParticipant]

I’ve shared here before that I’m not particularly close to my family for varying reasons.  I actually live 3000+ miles away from the closest one, and can’t foresee that changing.  However when there is a family crisis, I bury all the reasons for our estrangement and focus on the issue at hand.

We have a few really ill people in the family.   A few months ago I flew across country to be with one of my sisters who was having her 4th risky neurosurgery.  When I got there, several members of the family were standing around her bed in the middle of a prayer circle.  I’m an atheist, but I’m also respectful of everyone’s right to their belief system.   As a nurse, I will do anything I have to do get my patients the religious support they need, because I know what value it has to them.  So what I intended to do was stand back and allow them to finish praying, then go visit with my sister.  What happened was a relative stepped away from the group, literally held my hand and walked me out of the room.  She told me that my lack of faith was negative and them allowing me to be there as they prayed would be offensive and even harmful.

To say I was speechless was an understatement.  I’m not one to quietly walk away, but for the sake of my sister, I took care of her medical needs.  I spoke with her surgeons, found the best post-op rehab for her, and left.   I was angry and hurt, but that was par for the course when dealing with them.  Fast forward to the holiday season, and the illness of another relative, and I cannot bring myself to make the effort to connect.  Peripherally I know that as members of my family I should feel more inclined to see them, but honestly I can’t seem to find the “thing” within me, whatever it is, to do so.

They are deeply religious, yet I find them to be lacking in grace.  I’ve been accused of never fully allowing God to break me, therefore leading to my eventual departure from the church.   No one has ever really talked to me about where I am spiritually, or why I left the church.  However, several have talked at me, and assigned blame to me.   My uncle, with all the authority of his Harvard Divinity PhD, has personally outlined for me quite plainly why I’ve failed the family, and God.  He said this to me in an email a few months ago as we discussed Fowler’s Stages of Faith:

“You went looking for something from God and when he did not deliver, you abandoned Him. God did not abandon you, you abandoned Him. Let us be very clear on that. You cannot claim that God does not exist simply because you have never encountered him. Faith is the most important part of religion. Faith is stronger than love or evidence. You used to talk about having an active faith and I was always proud of you for not being blindly led. However, seeking knowledge does not make you wiser if you only use it for your own purposes. God made you intelligent, yet you’ve decided to use that gift against him, not for him.”

For reasons I’ve shared before in my story, the relationship with my family will probably never be a smooth one.  However being the only atheist in a family that values religion over all else, where “faith is stronger than love…” gets overwhelming at times.  Despite the fact that I’ve made peace with the distance that exists between us, I still find my very human self hurt by them and the things they say.

I wasn’t even going to talk about this here, but fortunately David encouraged me to.  I’m venting because I’m angry.  I should not be made to feel less than or unworthy because I don’t believe in gods.  While I walked away from the hospital quietly a few months ago, I usually don’t take their shit so quietly.  I’ve pointed out on numerous occasions how they’ve completely missed the point of grace, but I find that I’m tired.  I just no longer have the energy to be the one in the wrong for simply seeking my own path.   I’d instinctively know what to say to any of you on here dealing with this, but it’s much harder to take your own advice when you’re in the middle of it.

• This topic was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  David Hayward.

[Anonymous]

ServantGirl – I’ve been missing you! I know you said you weren’t going to be doing as many posts, but I haven’t seen ANY from you for quite awhile now. Welcome back!

So sorry your family is so damn toxic! How they treated you at the hospital, like you were going to jinx their prayers, is reprehensible!  You are in a very TOUGH spot being the only non-religious (notice I did NOT say non-spiritual) person in a family of ALL religious people. You definitely have my sympathies!

You are so right – THEY LACK GRACE (and they don’t even realize it.)  Jesus spent as little time as possible with the Pharisees for the very same reason, so you are in good company.  No wonder you don’t feel the urge to stay connected to them. You are really better off without them, but I know that is still such a painful dilemma.

I don’t know what to tell you, except I really feel for you and I’m so sorry!!! If they really loved you, they would accept YOU and not bug you about what you believe or don’t believe.  There’s nothing worse than involuntarily being someone else’s “spiritual project/agenda,”  rather than simply being loved for who you are.

I think this brief passage  (from Jeff Van Vonderen and David Johnson’s book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse), will really resonate with you. I know it does with me in regard to my toxic parents…

“Boundaries are invisible barriers that tell others where they stop and you start. The door on your house is a boundary. The lock you turn when you leave for the day is a message to everyone else that you get to decide if they enter or not. While you probably don’t feel unspiritual for locking the door to your house (or maybe you do), you would probably feel very unspiritual for saying ‘No thank you’ to a fellow Christian who asked if they could give you a ‘word from the Lord.’

People who have misused their spiritual power have disrespected or beaten down your boundaries. They have shamed you out of your ‘no,’ clouded your will and intruded into your life with religious agendas. They have violated your spirituality by playing ‘Holy Spirit.’ Having an opinion has come to equal lack of submissiveness. Having a right to not be abused is [seen as] selfish.”

Hang in there ServantGirl! You are NOT alone and I/we care about you and the pain you are experiencing!

[RichardParticipant]

With all their claims about the power of their faith I find evidence of the their unbelief with their fear of you being in the room.  I guess you are more powerful than god.

It is really evidence of the weakness of their faith and its basis in superstition.  If your presence in the room is so powerful that the spirit of god is prevented from working then the god they worship must be very limited.

And if your presence prevents THEM from connecting to the spirit of god then it is evidence that fear is the basis of their life narrative, not faith.

I have found that in most hyper-religious communities religion serves as a cloak for ego and fear.  This way ego and fear can be presented a virtuous.  It’s really pretty sick and deserves pity.  It is a terrible way to be.

When people act out of fear, nothing is personal.  It is their fear, not your person, that is blocking community with you.  If they really believed that the truth would set them free, they would have nothing to fear.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

Servantgirl: I found your story very moving. I think everybody on this site can identify, to some extent, with what happened to you. I would love to be confident in the knowledge that no matter what I believe, my parents and siblings would still love me unconditionally and want to be with me. The fact is the opposite is my experience. I’ve come to a place where I see no distinction between sacred and secular. But they don’t see things the same way. They must be kept separate. Therefore, they experience separation from me in their minds and it gets applied in their treatment of me.

[StarryNightParticipant]

So glad you shared your story, Servant, it was medicine to me today and I needed to hear it.

Chad

[servantgirlParticipant]

Hi Jo White!  Life has been pretty hectic of late, but I’ve stopped by to read posts.

This thing with my family has been rolling around my head for a few weeks, and stealing my sunshine.  I’ve got to tell you that there are very few things in this world I allow to come between me and my sunshine!

I know what it’s like to deal with and respond to those whose behavior is very un-Christian.  I used to run an atheist blog.  David can attest to the fact that I ran it with as much grace and civility as I put into my posts here.  Despite that,  I would always come under attack.   Fortunately years of dealing with my family has toughened me.  Outsiders can’t begin to touch me when those who are supposed to love me are  this vicious.  There is a righteousness within them that is something to behold.   The ability to justify hiding sexual abuse to protect the family name, or to be complete asshats to me, is something they do with the backing of their God.   I’ve shared before that if I had not walked away from them and attended a completely different type of church as an adult, I know without a doubt that I’d be a stereotypical “angry, hateful atheist.”  That kind of treatment messes with your ability to gain perspective.   The level of hatred I had fed into me growing up was unbelievable.  The list of people I should hate and not accept because they were sinful was so out of control that by 13 I’d decided that I was going to hell for not living up that standard of Christian.  Fortunately I grew and I learned that the world was not what they said it was and that I could love without judgment or conditions.  As much as I hate their treatment of me, I’m grateful that the drive to get away from them forced me to learn to embrace the world and what truly mattered in it.

I still read the Bible  occasionally  however now I read it like any other book in my library.  One passage that I’ll always like is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.  When my uncle pointed out to me that faith was greater than love, I replied to him with that passage.  I told him, “I don’t see that kind of love in you.  Is that love only reserved for those who worship as you do?  If so, how horrible it must be to serve a God with such a narrow scope.”   The easy thing for me to do is walk away again.  I’ve done it before and lived quite a happy life.  Trying to let them see that I’m not who they imagine me to be is such a waste of time.  If returning to the flock is the only qualifier that allows them to fully love and accept me, I’m good where I am – but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.  David, how do you deal with the separation?

You guys are awesome for allowing me to vent in this space.  I really don’t know why I hesitated to bring this here.

 

 

[R2Participant]

Hey servantgirl, glad you shared that.  I can completely identify with the lack of grace.  My family is exactly the same way, and I don’t really have any answers.  I have avoided visiting them for over a year now (they are about an 8 hour drive), because it’s just so unpleasant.  Even when I was in church, for the past 12 years they were very unhappy that when we moved to the town we are now in in NC, we started attending a “liberal, ungodly” United Methodist church.

All my family, their friends and my home church (which my brother is pastor) are all within about a 5 mile radius. I always have to go see the church and get the latest “tour” (they have a coffee lounge that’s alone bigger than many  churches), always building, etc.

My parents or brothers never call me. I call every couple of weeks, where they tell me they miss me and wish I would visit, then the preaching starts. My daughters didn’t even go with me last trip, because they get preached to about finding a good Christian man and all that.

My parents are 88 and in OK health, still in their home of 65 years, but there have been some ER trips the last few years where I went up for a week or two. It’s sad that you have to dread a trip to see your own family.

Tell me if this isn’t weird – My wife and I have tattoos in various plainly visible places. NOBODY in my family has ever mentioned them. I have seen them sneaking a look at them, but not a word over the years. I know they believe tats are a “sin” but I can’t believe they won’t even acknowledge them when they are right in front of their faces.

Anyway, just said that to say I can empathize with you.

[Anonymous]

S.G. – That was a great comeback using the 1 Corinthians 13 passage! Too bad (but I’m not surprised) it went right over their heads! How self-righteous, toxic “Christians” can be so blind is mind-boggling! (I guess that’s why Jesus was always saying people needed to have “eyes to see” and “ears to hear!” Your family members are so grossly blind and deaf, that they will probably never SEE YOU and HEAR YOU – which is THEIR loss, because you are an intelligent, kind, loving, compassionate, giving person ServantGirl! (I realize it is also your loss because you would like to have a family of origin who accepts, loves, and values you for YOU, and you don’t have that.

Sad to say, but you are truly better off without them.  Please know you can talk/vent about this – or anything else – anytime! I love hearing your take on various issues. It’s really tough to deal with this kind of crap around the Holidays, so I hope you have friends you can spend the holidays with.

[Author]

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