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Jeni Ananda 1 year, 7 months ago.
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Wow, Matt- can I call you Matt? Or RevOxley? I actually cried reading your writing. I don’t really even know why it hit me so hard. I think the part that says you believe you fell from grace. I wonder why you feel that way. Because you haven’t heard God after saying that one prayer? These questions are horribly personal, & maybe I’m overstepping… I’m not a crack head fundamentalist or whatever those Bible thumping people are called. I have been told by people I trusted that I have fallen from grace and that God has turned His back on me, but I don’t feel that way. I noticed that God speaks in so many ways, as though His language is pictures or day dreams that don’t make any sense to anyone else, but they make sense to me. Maybe I have one of those stupid ‘savior complexes’ because I can’t imagine just feeling abandoned like that. I think that’s why I’m crying. Being orphaned is horrible. I’m not an atheist, I wasn’t raised Christian, but the God I met- is better and bigger than any theology. I am broken-hearted to hear that God is refusing, or whatever reason, not talking to you anymore. I am so sorry.
I have had days where I thought I didn’t hear or see God- but when I put that out there, the “Hey, where the hell are YOU?” I usually can see that there was communication going on…
I am so sorry. Your searching is sincere. I know religion will say that your heart isn’t willing to hear, or some b.s. like that.
I’m glad you have found peace or some comfort.
You can call me Matt, or Rev. or RevOxley, or doodie head – doesn’t matter.
I guess I should clarify: Much of what I have written here is reflective on a time where these emotions and feelings were very present and raw – thankfully they’ve waned greatly. I don’t technically feel abandoned by god at all – I understand now that I’ve left my faith, I don’t believe because I don’t have any good reasons to believe and because my mind has now come to recognize that it has been allowed to let go of the belief that I did have.
When I look back on my time as a Christian I now recognize that the god that I was abandoning was myself. He was the god I had created and admired and loved but he was what I needed to fill the holes in my life. Abandoning that god meant learning to love myself and those around me – it meant gratification out of my love and service to humanity rather than gratification out of slavery to a deity. I, thankfully, don’t require god any more – it is OK that he is dead – I have grieved his passing and I have grown as a result of it. The pain was soul crushing – but it molded me into a new man.
Today I’m much better than I was. I was in some very intense darkness and now I feel like I am intensely in the light though continually searching for a better understanding of that light and this world.
@ RevOxley – I am so relieved (wow, I sound dramatic- not sure why I’m so emotional today) to hear that you are in a better place in your life and have found peace in your beliefs- or non beliefs. I realized that in my response I just assume that God exists, bc- in my perception, He does. I didn’t mean that to negate your experience, or your perception at all.
When I hear about people who have been so fulfilled by an interaction- or belief- and then they are sincerely upset by a sudden silence on the side of God- I can’t fathom why that would happen, when I don’t have that experience. I’m not special, or better, & certainly not more loveable.
Maybe it does make me question God and if He does care, why in the world would He do that do you? I’ve given God every reason to give up on me- so why do I still get doted on and fulfilled? Those are scary questions to ask. I guess one theory could be that it’s the Imaginary Friend in the sky that I’ve been hearing from, and I haven’t given up my ‘Daddy issues’ in that area. lol
‘Course, that’s not what I believe- unless my Imaginary Friend in the sky is psychic and very supernatural. Which would be hilarious in a morbid way.
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