Fervently Searching…

[RevOxleyParticipant]

Trigger Warning

Hello everyone,

My name is Matt Oxley, aka Rev from RagingRev.com ,  I’ve been a friend and fan of David’s for some time now.

I thought that perhaps the best introduction would be for me to share a bit of my story, so here goes.
You’ll notice it’s broken up and somewhat disjointed – that’s kinda how this plays out in my mind. Some of the scars from this experience still hurt sometimes and I have a hard time putting a lot of it into words.  I’m also at work, on a busy night – and I’m adding details that I don’t generally share publicly since this is a private group.  The moment I begin to think about this time of my life my brain becomes overwhelmed with memories and ideas and emotions – and so this is an atypical example of my writing style because it could just as easily derive from someone with a personality disorder, and yet it does not. So, if you read this – I apologize for that. It’s the best I can do, the best I’ve ever been able to do – to just tell it as it comes.

* * *

Atheist.
That word just leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.
Nothing good can come from an atheist. Atheists have no morals, they are angry at god.
I’ll never be an atheist. Never.

* * *

I fell head over heels in love with YHVH when I was around 14 years old. I had been “saved” a number of years prior, but this was different – this was an all encompassing and life changing experience that took me from child to man of God in just a few very short years. I had, and continued to, experienced the Almighty calling me into Grace.

From this time until I was around 19 or 20 God was entirely the center of my life; I knew what it meant to pray without ceasing, to commune with God, and to repent of my many failures.    There was never a moment where my mind was not absorbed by Him. My life became my ministry, which focused largely on apologetics and counseling survivors of abuse and trauma (it’s complicated).

I say all that to express how possible it is for the most convinced, the most experienced, and the most devout of believers to fall from grace. If I fell ANYONE could fall.

* * *

Right before I graduated high school my future wife and I decided to leave our church over doctrinal issues (which are fairly unimportant to this discussion) – this left us without a church for a good while and without fellowship outside of some friends of mine that were mostly online. Around this same time I decided to take a sabbatical, there were some strains in my home life that were stressing me and making it difficult to properly give the attention necessary to those I counseled on a regular basis – that sabbatical never really ended.
I don’t even know what made me ask the first question that eventually lead me to where I am now. There was no traumatic event, I wasn’t angry at god, and no one had died – somehow, somewhere I picked up a question.

“How do I know that any of this is True?”

And thus I began a fervent search for it.

* * *

Some years before all this I had read the Qur’an. I rejected it outright as a fabrication and a book full of carefully constructed lies by an imposter god. Deep down I knew that this was called Confirmation Bias but, as we tend to do, I brushed it off and allowed myself to remain a victim of my own desires.
Now though, this question was allowed to come back – I began to recognize myself controlling the information I was allowed to digest, and how I had been doing this for most of my life.  “Why do I accept this book (The Bible) as the Truth, yet so easily reject this other one?”  And so, I was questioning – for the first time, the Bible. I didn’t know with absolute certainty that I possessed the Truth and that I knew the author of the universe.

The questions began to pile up and answers were scarce.

I can’t even begin to enumerate the questions that ensnared me.

* * *

The last time I remember feeling god I prayed a prayer, something like this:
“I want all of you, absolutely every facet of you – or nothing at all. I don’t want to be halfway, I don’t want half-truths, I want to know and experience every part of you.”

And God became earth-shatteringly silent.

“Eli, Eli, Llama-sabacthani”

* * *

When the one constant in your life suddenly disappears your entire world flips upside down. I had grown up without a good father and God provided that presence in my life – that comforting, warm, love who disciplined my failures tenderly. I became co-dependent on what felt like a very real relationship between myself and my creator and was unsure as to how I would function if he continued being silent.
Sometimes you can’t take your words back. The doubts I had embraced couldn’t be undone, and I tried ever so hard to undo them.
I think I was 20 the first time I planned my death, the only bargaining chip I had with God.
There were a number of trees that were strong enough and just the right distance away from a sharp curve on the road between my house and my work. Big, strong, pine trees that would be able to withstand the impact of my vehicle at 90mph. I contemplated, swerved, and chickened out more times than I can count over the next two years. I had inhaled the scent of lead from my 9mm, but didn’t want to leave my new wife with that sort of mess. It’s hard being selfish enough to kill yourself when your previous life was focused on loving people and caring for the most dejected people on the planet.

Two very very long years I hated everything about myself. I knew that I had forsaken God and that I was unworthy of getting him back.

* * *

It is physically impossible for me to believe in god today.
I cannot flip a switch and accept faith as a part of my life right now. I don’t think this will change, even though I wanted it to change for a very long time – I don’t think I want it to.
I’m…an…atheist.
I used to know, absolutely know, that god existed.
Now I don’t.
I’m OK with that.

* * *

It’s been roughly 6 years since I first said the words:  “I don’t believe in god anymore.”  In confession to my wife.
I’ve now experienced every stage of grief, I’ve put YHVH to rest. I’ve washed the blood from my hands. I’ve experienced the bitterness and anger – I’ve gotten all of that out of my system –  and, for the last 4  years or so, I’ve been able to be happy. Really, deeply, happy.

Now, perhaps I can begin talking like a normal person again.  I’m glad to answer any questions you may have. I hope to get to know you kind folks, and contribute to your journey.

• This topic was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  RevOxley. Reason: corrected formatting
• This topic was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  David Hayward.

[RevOxleyParticipant]

Somehow I’ve screwed up the formatting pretty bad, I apologize.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

Thanks so much for sharing that @RevOxley. Powerful. I’m going to go right back now and read it again. I’m looking forward to our Hangout!!

[starfielderParticipant]

@RevOxley, Yowza! Thanks for your honesty! Thanks for your openness! This is a great community for your story. WELCOME.

[RevOxleyParticipant]

@admin and @starfielder – thanks, very much.

[Chris MParticipant]

Welcome @RevOxley.   Powerful and moving story.   Looking forward to hearing more of your journey.

[HeleneParticipant]

What everyone else said, am glad you’re here and looking forward to hearing more. And ‘trigger warning’ went okay, as nothing triggered me, except the honesty. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing.

Kathy

 

[Anonymous]

Hey Matt – Thanks so much for your courage, honesty, and vulnerability in sharing your incredible story (WOW!), especially with people you don’t really know yet!  So very glad you have joined us, and I look forward to hearing more from you! Btw – it’s perfectly okay to be an atheist, agnostic, Christian, or anything else in this community – really! So make yourself at home and share as much or as little as you want to.

I feel total respect for athiests (like you, Richard, and ServantGirl) who at one time had a very personal relationship with God and deep faith in him – because I know leaving all that behind had to be a gut-wrenching, agonizing, life-changing journey. And that serves as absolute proof to me that this was no flippant, easy decision like I would expect from someone who never had any kind of history or interest in God. Even though I’m not an atheist, for me, your stories lend so much more credibility to the atheistic viewpoint. Hope that makes sense. What I’m trying to do is compliment you guys! You bring an important viewpoint to the table and I’m really glad you are here!

[pamwernerParticipant]

Hey Matt…thanks for sharing your story! I damn relate to so much of it but am yet undecided. Look forward to getting to know you!

[Anonymous]

I am SO in the middle of the upheaval of my beliefs. What a great place for this conversation. FaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaQ.

 

[kristieinbcParticipant]

Thank you so much for sharing your story, Matt. It is so interesting that it started with that one question, “how do I know that any of this is true?” I have asked the same question, and still haven’t settled on an answer.

[moxierocksParticipant]

Welcome to TLS  @RevOxley !!  I love the honesty and the way you tell your story.

There’s something so incredible to me about how everyone I meet that experiences the crumbling of their beliefs (as I also have) comes out the other side and say that they are happy! I’m definitely happy. And there’s something so real about this happy feeling…

Great to have you here!

[RevOxleyParticipant]

Thanks again for the kind words everyone.

[JacquieParticipant]

Your writing shows some similar traits I have experienced too.  It’s great to have you here @RevOxley and in reading your post it is a reminder of the light that arrives and makes you happy after so much struggle.  The reference to the words ascribed to Christ on the cross  “Eli, Eli, Llama-sabacthani” really hit me in the gut.  The darkness, doubt and abandonment are recognizable.  Keep sharing your thoughts….they resonate greatly with me and by the replies to your post it seems many others on TLS feel likewise.

And in re-reading your post I note your first name is Matt…    Thanks again for sharing.

 

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