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Wade 3 months, 2 weeks ago.
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The church I called home for more than a decade held a celebration service tonight for its 50th anniversary. Since, unlike a lot of TLSers, I haven’t been kicked out, and there are still people there I wanted to see, I went.
I’ve been involved with an anniversary before at this church (the 45th), so I was already familiar with the stories from its earliest days. This time around time was also spent on more of the intervening years and more photos had been uncovered and used. Many of the past pastors were present and spoke, as well, and songs were sung from each decade. The numerous songs and lengthy reminiscense (all presenters were asked to speak only for five minutes – no surprise everyone went over) meant it was nearly three hours long. The most recent decade was left until tomorrow’s Sunday morning service.
Overall, the event was quite good. The Christian-ness of it all was, of course, unavoidable, but tolerable. Some people got a little emotional at it all, which I kind of didn’t get for a while. Part of this was that there was no emotional high for me, as my current beliefs are now somewhat incompatible with this sort of church. This probably muted my empathy, however the sense of fun as each decade was introduced was palpable. It was towards the end of the evening that I realized what I actually felt from the Christian-ness was numbness.
I can relate to this “numbness”. Actually, sometimes it’s like listening to a foreign language I once understood and spoke but have lost most of it now. Thanks Wade.
I can relate too.
Not for the first time I wished Pagan and Wiccan traditions were more evangelistic, but that would fundamentally change them. Also not for the first time I mourned (slightly) the fact that Christianity has made our western society largely monotheistic.
The most recent decade was the focus of the service this morning. If anything there were more people this morning than last night. It was also lengthy. A normal service length is somewhere between 80 and 100 minutes. This morning’s went past 2 hours. If anything, it confirmed to me that I don’t belong there anymore.
Which was amusing when I discovered later that I could’ve been involved and playing music! The (very) new music co-ordinator tried to get hold of some past musicians. But for some reason he had my phone number wrong… I still don’t know if I would’ve said yes.
Wade.
That would be weird… playing in my old worship band. I don’t know.
It would be very difficult for me to visit my old church. I feel like I would have to explain myself to members there. The though alone is exhausting.
I get the exhausting quality–I think part of that us the cognitive dissonance in your own mind as you are trying to filter fact from fiction. I get pretty paranoid in these situations, and full of self-doubt. And always have a good-debriefing session with my husband or daughter when I get home. You’re a brave man!
I miss making music, to be honest, but I never developed the disciplines to be able to create the sort of music I love listening to. I would’ve loved loved loved my worship band to move to a more of either a synth-pop or even electronica style, but most casual musicians just cannot play either of them. So we instead land somewhere between folk and rock. :-/ I do do what I can to pull in other styles, though. Sometimes I add a hint of funk, or orchestral, or, yes, synth-pop, but I’m doing all the work of pushing the genre. Still, even that doesn’t really make it any easier to play songs I can’t sing the words to.
Curiously, it was the morning service that I had some real conversations with people. I do forget that some people there are aware of less-mainstream shades of Christianity. One chap was interested in where “I was going now” and I kinda felt bad that I couldn’t really explain to him that it was a Pagan Full Moon Circle!
(I definitely need to see if he’s on Facebook…) In the end I left it that I’d “forgot” their name, which was true at the start.I don’t intend to go back for another visit for a while. Probably not never, but not for a while.
Wade.
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