This topic contains 9 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by 
Emily Riley 1 year, 4 months ago.
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hi I’m Emily. I never know how to introduce myself because I never know where to start. I grew up IFB and basically got shunned Amish style. about three years later I ended up at a sovereign grace church where I attended and loved it for 9 years…up until a year ago. it was my home. they were my family. and then life fell apart.
within a span of two years I was burned from a gasoline explosion, dislocated & tore my knee and had to quit my job as a result, dislocated my shoulder, had four miscarriages (lost my job after the third because I just disappeared from work for about a week and ended up in emergency surgery for internal bleeding from the fourth) and had severe pneumonia, sinus infections & bronchitis. In addition, our house got hit by lightning, our house flooded, my dog had surgery for what they thought was cancer, I was in a car accident and quite a few other health and family issues.
I had left “bandaid theology” years before but somehow during the two years of one trial after another, and asking one hard question after another the answers just seemed shallow and useless. god seemed distant at best and abusive at worst. and all I heard about was how this was all part of “his plan” and this was all good. yes, losing four babies was good.
I just couldn’t do it anymore. for two years I asked and hoped against hope and sought to believe against all evidence. we left church and our places on the worship team. I lost my family as a result. and the last year+ has just been one lonely confusing struggle.
I’m still FB friends with many of my former church friends. many don’t know where I’m at emotionally or spiritually and most of them just expect me to come back one day.
in so many ways I wish I could simply snap my fingers and go back. but I can’t. I wish I could just make the questions go away and let my mind be uncomplicated again. I just don’t know. my hubby has gotten to the point where he’s simply stopped asking them. for some reason I can’t.
so that’s where I’m at today. glad to be here.
AnonymousPink, NICE. Mine is silver, I have hearing aids to match. I had a silver motorcycle too, but I sold it. I had one crash on that bike, fractured my 4th and 5th in my neck. Geez that was close. I fixed the bike and rode for a couple more years. Then I got a call that a friend was killed on his ride, and that was it, I lost all interest in two wheel adventure.
Your journey has been really hard. I think the pink says something. I think your still there, always were. Pay attention, contemplate. Think on things that are good and close and now. Pay no attention to whether you think they are important or not. Search for beauty. I was out walking the dog last night. The sun was going down and casting long light on the gravel road. I was looking at the gravel and each tiny shadow that the long light cast on the east side of each tiny rock. I was absorbed in the moment. That’s not a bad thing, it’s not a waste of time. We need those spaces. We need to learn to find beauty in the moment.
Peace to you Emily.
thx, Yeah that’s definitely something I need to work on. I often get stuck in everything I lost and forget where I am now.
I am always interested in how people present themselves. The fact that you present yourself as “the girl with pink hair” suggests that you have had comments about your hair, and that you are trying to shock some people. Of course, I might be wrong, but it doesn’t matter, because you are welcome anyway.
It seems to me, from what you have said, that the problem you have had is about seeking answers, rather than just asking questions. The important things are the questions, in my experience, and you have been brought up to expect answers. I have been there, and was only really challenged in that when – like you – the answers didn’t work. Not like you, however, as the challenges were to other people, not to me.
I think you might be better off without a church that damages you. But it is hard, especially if you have not prepared to leave – I was withdrawing from church for 10 years before I finally left. So lots of sympathy, and I hope you can continue to find ways to explore your faith without the church. You might find some useful insights on my website (in my profile, I think, http://www.boredwithchurch.info).
And in the end, don’t beat yourself up, whatever. Be glad to be here, wherever you are now.
thanks! that’s an interesting thought regarding the pink hair. I mentioned it simply as something to differentiate me between any other potential new folks and because its one thing about myself that particularly makes me happy =). didn’t even think it would be a shocker here.
we didn’t really even talk about leaving church. after my emergency surgery last June, we initially planned to take a few weeks off. after a few weeks we found our reasons for wanting a break were deeper than originally anticipated and just started asking more questions and not seeking to rush the process. at this point it’s safe to say we wouldn’t go back. I’ve been to a few events to visit friends but not simply to jus attend church. really don’t have any desire to go there again. at least with that church. an it seems with where I’m at, most churches wouldn’t be a good fit so for now we are just enjoying the time with just the two of us and seeking to use that “extra” time in the week to just spend together.
@EmilyRiley – I didn’t mean that you would shock people here. I am glad that it makes you happy, because it sounds like you need something to focus on. I think it also says that you are not going to be bowed by the problems. It also shows that you are not prepared to conform to what churches so often expect. You are yourself, and are proud of it.
I see that as a real sign of your inner strength.
Wow Emily! Can you ever tell a story! Your story is amazing. And you’re here! Welcome.
Wow Emily! Can you ever tell a story! Your story is amazing. And you’re here! Welcome.
I like what Steve said about asking questions but not expecting answers. A lot of what church provides is easy (stock) answers. When you step away from those easy answers you are forced to ask new questions and face uncertainty. You will find some answers but mainly you find that you will be better able to handle uncertainty over time. Welcome to the group and I hope your string of bad luck is over.
haha @david, as with all our stories, I barely touched the surface. =). I am very glad to be here!
@Jeff, I think that’s still a part of the “fundy” side of me – expecting there to be black & white concrete answers. I’ve been learning life (& specifically religion) isn’t that simple and that’s ok. thanks for the welcome! we are also hoping the string of bad luck is over! I have another surgery on my feet in about three weeks and after that recovery hopefully things will look up! my goal after recovery is to try running again. =) due to the different health issues it’s been a while since I have been able to run, but fingers crossed the surgery will be successful. and having to be off my feet for a while has been good for me.
I’m typically the type to go non-stop so I’ve been learning to slow down and enjoy the process. it’s been quite freeing to not have to figure it all out and have answers for it all. the journey has a lot of good to be experienced along the way too.
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