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AnonymousI wrote about “inevitable losses” in response to a post by Ren, and that made me wonder if anyone here has come up with any specific strategies for preparing themselves for the inevitable losses regarding friends and family members that often occur with letting go of church and traditional Christian beliefs?
First of all does it help to know ahead of time that there will be “relational fall-out” – changes and perhaps complete losses when it comes to family and friends and “church friends?” And more specifically, are there things we can do to help brace ourselves for – and minimize the pain of – inevitable relational collateral damage? I’d love to hear what you guys think and what has or hasn’t worked for you. A lot of us were completely blindsided by all the losses associated with leaving church and/or traditional Christian beliefs, but wouldn’t it be awesome if we could somehow lessen the pain of losses for those who come behind us? Plus, none of us are ever done going through losses, so maybe we could help each other by sharing ways we have come up with to “brace for impact!”
1) If possible, I try to have some kind of replacement lined up before I “out myself” to certain people or groups. For example: 1) I was able to replace church with my TLS/FB community. I also attend a local spiritual discussion MeetUp group twice a month where I’ve met a lot of interesting people who have a wide diversity of spiritual viewpoints and practices. (It’s similar to TLS only IN PERSON!) Those are both ways my need for community is being met.
2) This may sound callous, but if a friendship with a fundie is dying I let it die rather than trying to resurrect it. I refuse to keep it going just to be nice. I let it go and I focus my time and energy on meeting new people who are basically NOT Christians instead. (Please know I’m NOT saying there aren’t ANY Christians worth getting to know. It’s just that I have a limited amount of physical/emotional energy so I can’t risk getting into a relationship where differences in spiritual beliefs may cause turmoil for one or both of us. I hope that makes sense??? (This will make more sense in light of #4.)
3) I look for activities or groups who share a common interest or hobby I want to pursue. (I’ve met some great people through Park & Rec classes, MeetUp Groups, taking a craft class or a community college course.) I have met two really great gals from my MeetUp group and now we occasionally get together and do fun things (dinner, a movie, etc.)
4) Don’t get involved with organizations that hold Christian beliefs you can’t wholeheartedly support. I found this out the hard way! I mentioned before that I am involved with an ecumenical group that puts on retreat weekends for women who have an incarcerated loved one. Having to support and articulate traditional Christian beliefs I no longer hold, was causing me so much emotional turmoil that at the last team meeting I wanted to run from the room screaming. (Thankfully I managed not to.) At that point, I realized I HAD to do what was best for me, and that meant stepping down from my Advisory position. Instead of bailing on my commitment which I didn’t want to do, I found a workable compromise to get me through the weekend. I traded positions with another very capable gal who had done the Advisory position before, and I am doing an easy position where I won’t be exposed to the two biggest triggers of the weekend – having to sing Christian songs and listen to Christian speakers. I have already let them know I won’t be coming back after the October weekend is over. But I could have saved myself a LOT of grief by not getting involved in the first place! Live and learn, right?
So…what strategies are or aren’t working for you guys???
Jo, in my experience all the preparation did not spare me the grief. It was and is a sad thing. I left a lot. This being said, there are some things I did that were helpful. I pass them along to you..
1. Find a hobby and participate in a group. To start I joined an adult ed art class. I felt ridiculous and yet I met wonderful people. It led to the participation in other art groups and some awesome friends. It gave me something to talk about that wasn’t christian and had nothing to do with church.
2. I thought a lot about my “bucket list” and my “phucket list.” I tried to weed out the people and things that were on the “phucket” list. I simply no longer tended to them. (I think this goes well with your comment about no longer being “nice.” I started doing the things on my bucket list. I’m not talking about a trek in the Himalayas (although if it’s on your list go for it!) I chose simple things that I have always wanted to try or do.
3. I joined up with TLS where I could think out loud so to speak. I could hear opinions from folks who are very different than my long tightly held beliefs. I have loved these voices in my life.
4. If I can avoid it, I don’t talk about spiritual things with new people in my life. I don’t want that to be the thing our friendship is based on. Don’t get me wrong. Spirituality is super important to me but I would rather just get to know folks for themselves AND let me be known for who I am not what I believe or don’t believe.
5. I have a small group of women that meets on a scheduled bases. It is similar to a Quaker Clearness Committee. You can read more about it here: http://www.couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/clearness-committee
By far the clearness committee has helped me feel sane and helped me see clearly where I am headed and where I want to go. I can not say enough good things about this process and these women.
6. I stepped away from Christian based small groups. I have found that for all the talk about community there are better friends to be had elsewhere. There are awesome people in this world. Why limit yourself/myself to the christians!?
7. Wear a Hazmat Suit?
AnonymousHey Star – WOW – you made some really great suggestions!
I checked out The Clearness Committee link. OMG- that sounds absolutely awesome! I love that the people in the group aren’t allowed to give advice or analyze people – all they are allowed to do is ask honest (not agenda-loaded) questions. And through that process of answering and thinking about the questions, the person who is struggling with a problem can tap into their own inner wisdom and find the answer they need. That is just SO COOL!
Did you start your own CC group or join an existing one? If you started one, how/who did you invite to participate in it? Did you go through their “facilitator training?” (Since you are a former spiritual director, I’m betting you probably did,)
Jo, I am still a Spiritual Director. I have regular clients. In Spiritual Director’s training we learn how to look and listen for what is really real. We keep to the lived experience. This training in itself was incredibly life giving to me.
We chose people who had had some similar experiences. At first we chose people who had similar training. We chose 5 to 7 people and met for about 9 months. When I say “we” I mean me and another friend who was/is interested in a similar group. We wrote up the schedule and expectations for the group and we stuck with it. We did a rotation where everyone got a turn being the one who got to talk and everyone else asks the questions. After the first year some of the folks dropped out and as a group we agreed on who to ask to join. We all tend to evaluate each May/June. We have been meeting now for about 4 years I think!
It is a confidential group. Everything said in the group stays in the group. We are not allowed to bring up anything from the group to another member outside of the group unless it is something you personally shared or they shared and they bring it up. It has lead to a well boundaried group.
Now, we don’t all go to the same church but most of the people have a church background or are part of a church now. It gave the group some continuity. Some people in the group have narrower beliefs than others but because of the way the group is set up this hasn’t been an issue. We were very purposeful about who we chose.
We have changed the way we do the group over time and if you want to know some other models we used I can send them to you. Email me.
Recognising when you have gone through a loss sequence before is probably the most valuable thing I knew. It happened when I fell out with my (ex) wife and the counselling meant I learnt to understand what happened. Amongst other things, this meant I was aware of what I was uncomfortable with and to some extent why.
On top of that, being prepared for altering your journey away from a church is also important. I left my bible study/home group/life group rather more suddenly than I expected to, for instance. But I was open to the possibility.
Wade.
AnonymousI really appreciate this discussion and what’s been said thus far. I recently spoke with my therapist and told him that I feel like I need a break from all the Christian-based activities which I’ve been doing since, at least, May…but, in reality, much of my adult life. Things like Roots Revival and Anthony’s Plot (both of these things being local) are just different manifestations of the same over-arching Christian paradigm that I’ve felt far too safe and comfortable within. I feel like it’s time to branch out…and this may mean some losses.
I can’t say that I have much experience in dealing with losses. Like some, I typically have a plan B in place. Sometimes I simply need the solitude. Part of my current problem has been that I feel like I’ve been so, so busy volunteering my time (trying to find acceptance, appreciation, respect, friendship) and craving social interaction (literally 24/7) that I don’t have much time for myself anymore. In effect, I feel like I’m running away or avoiding myself. I think there needs to be a period of mourning. Sometimes it’s necessary to cycle through the emotions before moving on. When I left the Catholic Church (for good) this past January, I didn’t give myself time to mourn something which had been integral to me for 7 years. I just immediately started looking for something to fill the void. In retrospect, this probably wasn’t healthy.
@starfielder, items #4 and #6 have been quite difficult for me. I’ve spent so much time and energy reading and practicing Christianity that, as I’ve mentioned elsewhere, it sometimes makes me feel a bit one-dimensional. I’m currently trying to break out of this by finding other interests. Right now, I’m exploring my interest in science fiction. I also met somebody (on ChristianMingle just before I deactivated my account) who’s agreed to keep things friendly (thank God) and we’ve been taking in some things which I ordinarily wouldn’t have participated in like theater and hiking.
@jo-white, thank you for mentioning the MeetUp groups. I’ll have to try this. There’s a 30-something group here in town. While I’m sure it’s a meat fest for some, I’ll have to at least see what it’s about.
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