This topic contains 5 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by 
Rob Lentz 1 year, 3 months ago.
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So, it’s been almost a year since my wife (SaraJ on here) started to fully embrace deconstruction. I’ve been kind of on that path for about 13 years but I was kind of avoiding it or had my back to it. When I found David’s Naked Pastor site and then Lasting Supper, I finally turned around and faced this head on. As did my wife, and it’s been a hell of a year.
Since then, I feel like my wife and I have been more open and honest then ever before. But, still, there has been this ongoing feel of loneliness. It’s been confusing for me because of the openness and freedom we are coming to know. Thinking tonight I wonder if it’s because with God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit – whatever – there was always someone “there” We were evangelicals – we believed that Jesus was always with us, we had our heavenly father to open up to any time we wanted or needed. He was our best friend, our protector. He already knew us so there was nothing to hide. Daily devotions and meditation felt like communing with a real being.
When that is taken away, along with the realization it wasn’t real in the first place, does it leave a massive hole to fill? When you’ve lived for years communing with Jesus and believing that he talks back to you – a constant companion – how do you replace that?
I get that this is all part of the process but just wondering if anyone else feels this way
Shit! Sorry for the typos – I can’t believe I can’t spell tonight!
Chris I got one word for you, “yup.”
If you want more words I can give you some of those but I think the way you feel is pretty normal. When I broke up with Jesus it got very very quiet. Or so it seemed. For the most part, I have found other ways to find my center. I still talk to “god” all the time but it’s different now. I really miss being part of something- feeling part of a church, feeling part of a unified community etc. I think letting the hole just be the hole is where I started and I have slowly watched it just be this thing I notice and keep living and moving on. I don’t miss the intensity of church life or the intensity of “retreats.” I think it was a habit that I nurtured. And then I woke up and noticed my bad habit and didn’t want to do it anymore. The habit is still here, just like smoking or addictions to whatever but now I see it for what it was. I’m learning to make peace with the easy silence and living my life.
AnonymousBeautifully put Starfielder. Chris, I had to play with it a bit. I realized that we’ve named certain levels of our awareness. We’re really just talking to ourselves, or to different levels of ourselves, and the voice back, is just that different level of consciousness being given voice. Eric Soto posted something on FB/TLS that illustrated this idea. My playing around with this idea was to give that God level goofy names, at first I just called him Gord. It seemed irreverent. Then I asked myself, does Gord really care what I call him? Now I’ve come to a panentheistic place where Gord is in everything, right here, always present, in all facets of the moment. Gord doesn’t need to be informed, talked to, Gord IS. Gord is just to be discovered. When we centre, when we see, or feel the hole, then we are as close to our highest level on consciousness as we possibly can be. when we share suffering, and joy, when we share work and journey, when we choose each other, we’re as close as we can be to Gord. I love the title “Bruce Almighty”
Chris, I hear what you are saying. I have never been an evangelical and my wilderness journey has been very different, but I do know from the many contacts I have had over the last ten years that the way you are feeling is quite ‘normal’. I can relate to Wayner’s thoughts about Gord. A major part of my journey involved “The Shack” and the picture of the three aspects of God that that presented. As I’ve said elsewhere, after reading that, I found myself wondering why it had taken 57 years for someone to give me a picture of the trinity that began to make sense. This was reinforced when I read what Bob Greaves – The Unconventional Pastor – said about what he believes. His first thought was “I do not understand the trinity. I neither strongly embrace it nor reject it. It is a mystery and I’m OK with that . . . I usually relate to God as a whole making little distinction between Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
I’ve recently updated my blog telling something of my own story. You might find some of that helpful – especially seeing things from a different perspective.
Chris, I had to have my wife read this. I have literally heard her say the same things. Not only do we miss God, but many of our friendships have changed too. We don’t feel comfortable at church but miss it. It is normal. It gets better.
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