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The word atheist seems to be one of the dirtiest of words out there. It’s one of those labels that come with its own set of preconceptions and stereotypes. Some of them are rather humorous, but others are quite dangerous. Even in the midst of people who know you best, it plants seeds of discomfort and fear.
When I decided I no longer believed in the Judeo-Christian god I already had a long history of not believing in any other deity. The god of my childhood was my only hold out. Atheism for me is purely a lack of belief in gods. When one makes a wholesale statement on “all atheists” that should end with “don’t believe in gods.” That’s it. Any other things we have in common are pure coincidence.
I’m a big opponent of generalizations, using the same brush to paint an entire group. There are atheists out there that anger and sicken me, just as there were Christians who did the same when I was a believer. People like The Amazing Atheist represent me as well as the Westboro Baptist Church represents Christianity. I shared recently in our hangout that I struggle with labels. As I’ve had time to think this through today I’ve come to realize that it’s not the labels that bother me, but what those labels mean to others.
This is big for me as I tend not to care what others think of me. When I know someone is a Christian I have no presets programmed for engaging them. I’ve suffered real and deep pain at the hands of religious people, yet I believe in meeting each person with grace and respect until they’ve proven undeserving. My flaw seems to be expecting the same courtesy from others. When upon learning I’m an atheist, if a person’s first reaction is to distance themselves from me, I kinda take that personally. I mean how can I not? When it’s a stranger it’s easier for me to brush off. However when it’s someone I’ve know for years, even loved, it hurts like hell.
Earlier this year I ended a relationship with someone who is a Christian. What’s painful here isn’t the breakup so much as the cause for the breakup. I’ve seen interfaith and secular/religious relationships work, that wasn’t the issue. Were I having a crisis of faith or going through a season of doubt, we would have been ok. But people knew I was an atheist and that label made him uncomfortable. I get it, but it doesn’t make the separation any easier, especially when he knew my stand on religion going in. I didn’t change, I was an atheist when we started. “My parents love you but I can’t tell them you’re an atheist,” were pretty much the words that ended it. I’ve kept this pretty close, only sharing the details with David and a few friends. Until now I’ve not truly been affected by the stigma associated with my lack of belief. I lost a few friends when I left the church, but never thought this label would actually cause me pain.
Yeah I fucking hate labels.
AnonymousI’m sorry. Sorry for the pain. I’m also sorry I’ve played the label game. It’s everywhere. It’s deep in our mental processing, it’s reductionist, it’s binary. We have to work at better questions and refuse to accept the cheap answers that labels provide. You wana know what’s in the pickle jar, you can read the label or you can bite in.
I raised chickens years back. I would get a whole box of cute little yellow chicks. 50 of them. One time I noticed one of them had a red dot on one of its feet. Like a birthmark. The other chicks tortured that poor chick. I tried to separate it from the others for a while. But when they all got back together the other chicks would torment that poor little chick, pecking at its birthmark, until it eventually died. I buried it and cried. It wasn’t its fault. Pure victim.
That’s what some people do with others who are different. That birthmark is like a label: “different”.
@Wayne-Rumsby thanks. I’m guilty of playing the label game too. But I’ve not done so for so long that I forget that time. You’ll notice I rarely use the words ‘all’ or ‘every’. Recognizing that a wealth of diversity exists in each group helps me keep balance. It takes a tremendous amount of work to ignore stereotypes.
@David, you know me well enough to know this is a rare moment of weakness. Partially fueled by anger – an anger I rarely ever allow to get past the surface. I guess I wasn’t as ok as I said. I’ll be fine just needed to get this out in a safe place.
If there was an “Amen!” button for posts I’d click it.
I, too,wish people would get that one simple thing: atheists are… (drumroll… wait for it…) without a belief in gods. Period.
Anything else is specific to an individual. To borrow from Hillel, the rest is commentary.
Unfortunately, coming out can seriously screw up family relationships, friendships, and careers despite the non-believer being gracious, kind, entirely non-confrontational, and known to be ethical. Until recently I’ve been extremely cautious about saying anything about what I really think and do or don’t believe, but that has been changing. (David, you’ve had a corrupting influence on my decades-old self-imposed firewall. Thank you!)
I’m so sorry for the pain the breakup, and its reason, has created for you, servantgirl. ((((Hugs))))
@servantgirl… your weakness is your wisdom, strength and charm.
I hear your anger, may you roar!
AnonymousServantGirl – I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through, once again, over stupid labels! I’ve used them in the past too, but hopefully if I’ve learned anything from this TLS community, it’s that every single person is deserving of acceptance and respect, and that we ALL have something important to contribute to this community, regardless of what we do or don’t believe. I’m so glad you are here and that you could honestly share your pain with us. {{{{{hugs}}}}}} to you!!
Anonymous@servantgirl – sorry for the pain you are going through, sounds really rough. take good care of yourself. Kathy
I hear you, labels are just annoying. I know what its like to come out as something in an environment that does not accept such ideas, and to be alienated and mocked for it. When I came out that I was a believer in God and that I was going to church, my mum would hound me about it all the time, attempting to pick fights with me about it, telling me that I was stupid and that I had been merely brainwashed. She never accepts the fact that I have grown up now and that I can decide things for myself. I remember the Christians of that year was particularly hard as my dad and my sister began interrogating me about it and I felt outnumbered. They kept reciting scientific theory at me as if assuming that because I was now a believer in God, I no longer believed in science which was never the case. That’s the problem of labeling for you.
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