This topic contains 4 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by 
-
Posts
-
I have a long history of sleep disturbance. Since I was a little girl, I can remember being awake at all hours of the night in between fitful “sections” of sleep. I used to suffer from night terrors, and my dad used to have to take me outdoors and expose me to to cooler/cold air to snap me out of the screaming hysteria I was locked in. I distinctly remember one of those nights when I was 5. I was literally unable to wake up (without outside help) from a dream in which I was standing on some hills/mountainous area with evergreen trees surrounding me, and the landscape all around me seemed to be falling into oblivion as wild animals descended on me. When I finally came out of it, in my dad’s arms with the night sky above me, and cold fall air filling my lungs and stinging my cheeks. I couldn’t even really put into words what I had been dreaming. I just chose to keep it to myself, and told my dad I was okay now. He put me back into my bed, and I tried to go back to sleep.
Not very long after this, (it was close to the holidays) my parents decided to cut a Christmas tree from the wooded area not far from our home in a Seattle suburb. I went along with my dad and a family friend and when we arrived, I started to get a creepy feeling. We got out of our car and started walking into the trees. It seemed like we walked a long ways, winding up and down through the trees, and then we came to a clearing looking out over a mildly canyon-like valley. I pretty much froze in my tracks, because it looked just like the scene from my nightmare. Looking out over the valley filled with cold, the sea of dark trees was creating a scraggly, ominous horizon against the deep grey of the cloudy sky in late afternoon. Instead of being able to tell my dad why I was acting so weird, being 5 years old, I simply refused to go any further. I know that I cried, but I’m not sure if it was distinguishable from a tantrum to my dad. And then, he just left me there. He told me he’d be “right back” and he and his friend went on ahead, down into the valley behind some of the trees, and out of my sight. The terror that I felt upon recognizing my surroundings from my dream was multiplied tenfold when I was left sitting there alone in the cold. I could hear their voices at first, so I tried as hard as I could to just listen to them and keep as calm a possible though I was whimpering. But after a few minutes, I could only hear the wind in the trees and other sounds of the woods. All I remember is that my whimpering grew into a cry, and eventually developed into a frightened wailing scream. I was only 5, so I don’t know how long I was actually there, but it felt like an eternity. I was certain that I was going to be eaten by wild animals, or fall into a black pit of nothingness. The seconds seemed like hours, and the minutes felt like days. When my dad finally showed up dragging a tree with him, (I’m sure I couldn’t have heard him coming over my screams!) he was visibly irritated with me and told me he was just around the bend and had only been gone for a few minutes. I was inconsolable. He reiterated, in a frustrated tone, the briefness of his absence from my side again and again as he loaded the tree onto the roof of the car, picked me up and sat me in my seat. He kept it up as he drove the 10 minutes or so back to our house while I sobbed and shook from hyperventilation. I never was able to tell him why I was so scared.
That is the only time I recall a nightmare “coming true” (at least so very nearly true)…but it was by no means my worst nightmare. As I grew up, my nightmares got bigger and badder. I never really knew whether to be worried when I had a nightmare, especially since so many of them were incredibly bizarre. Sometimes I could just roll over and shake it off before falling back to sleep. Other times, I just couldn’t go back to sleep at all. It was too scary. Once in awhile, I had a nightmare that was obviously influenced by something negative happening in my life, but somehow my dreams almost always have a bizarre element to them. In just the last decade, I’ve had many dreams that could probably be turned into blockbuster sci-fi films. I was thinking that my nightmares were finally going to leave me, or just be a once in awhile thing. The last 3 years for me have been very low on sleep indeed, and dreams of any kind have been rare and hard to remember if I’ve had them. Until recently.
I had a few weeks of better sleep, even though that just means I only woke up 10 times instead of 20 or more…and then I started having really bad insomnia again. This is normal for me, though incredibly maddening and my quality of life suffers immensely from it among other things. It’s been 4 nights, and I’ve had 4 incredibly sickening, vivid nightmares! I’m kind of a wreck, actually. What am I to do? :/
AnonymousMox – I wish I knew what to tell you. I hadn’t seen any recent posts from you, so I was wondering if you were okay. Obviously not. Sorry you are having to deal with nightmares and insomnia. THAT REALLY SUCKS!!!
I know how maddening it is to lie there awake hour after hour when you would give your right arm just to fall asleep. For 2 or 3 months before I crashed with CFS, I was still working, but only getting 2 hours of sleep a night. I would be in bed by 9 or 10 PM, and lay there wide awake until 3:30 AM and then my alarm went off at 5:30 AM when I had to get ready for work. It was beyond maddening!! I have taken Amitriptylene (generic Elavil) – a med many people with CFS and fibromyalgia take – for years and it does help me sleep better. It is supposed to help you get into a deep REM sleep stage. I think that’s the phase where you dream, so maybe for you it might not be such a good thing since you have so many nightmares.
Have you ever been tested for sleep apnea? People with sleep apnea stop breathing numerous times throughout the night, which causes them to wake up so they will take a breath because they weren’t getting enough oxygen. Just a thought.
My heart breaks that you not only had such a terrifying experience as a 5 year old, but that you didn’t receive any comfort or understanding from your dad at the time. Not being able to go to a parent for comfort and not being able to tell them how you are feeling at that age is very scary and makes you feel SO ALONE in this big, scary world. It makes it seem like NO ONE cares about your pain, which makes it hard to feel like you are loved or that you matter to anyone – which is a very LONELY, frightening place to be at such a young age! (At least that’s how it made me feel.)
Your dad’s reaction (to be irritated at you rather than comfort you) dumped a lot of salt in your already hemorrhaging wound! I doubt it was intentional on his part. Perhaps he reacted that way because men like to fix things, and when they can’t fix something, it makes them feel helpless/powerless, and they don’t like feeling helpless. Since he couldn’t fix you or your pain, I would bet being irritated at you was a defense mechanism to escape feeling powerless.
AnonymousWell, this could go in the Danger, Danger Will Robinson thread now that I think about it, but have you considered hypnotherapy?
I initially went to hypnotherapy for weight loss. Instead, we ended up dealing with my fear issues and there were A LOT of them. I too had night terrors as a child and very vivid, disturbing dreams. The hypnotherapy really helped put that to bed. Now when I have a disturbing dream, and I did last year that was crazy pants, I look at it very differently. But they are rare, is my point. Very rare now. I also have a regular fear of the dark or of being alone at night. Before I wouldn’t be able to sleep at all.
If possible, maybe a Jungian psychologist? I mention a Jungian specifically because they tend to be able to help us deconstruct things in our lives using archetypes and I believe our dreams are chock full of archetypal symbolism that if we can crack the code, lose their power over us.
Geez Moxie, I’m really sorry. I suffer from insomnia from time to time too, but nothing like this. I hope you’re able to find the help you need to get through this to the other side.
Thank you Jo and Tana. It’s now been 6 nights in a row.
I don’t know why I can’t stop having disturbing dreams!I don’t have money from anything that’s not covered under my insurance…so I don’t know that I could try any of those therapies, Tana.
I will try to write more later. It’s been a tough week and I’m in a fair bit of emotional pain which doesn’t help anything.
love you ladies!
~moxie
AnonymousOh Moxie,
Not getting sleep is crazy-making. I’m also sorry that you’re experiencing emotional pain. If you ever want to talk to someone – just put it all out there, you can call me or email me anytime. I promise I won’t give you advise or make judgments. Sometimes just talking it out loud with a person who cares but isn’t vested can help.
Much love to you.
Tana
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.