This topic contains 11 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by 
-
Posts
-
This past week my psychiatrist told me (well, actually, my psychologist) about my diagnosis of dependent personality disorder. Basically, it means I need people in a completely clingy, unhealthy way, need them to take care of me. But, of course, while I feel this diagnosis is completely gendered (for women, ya’ll), looking up the symptoms is like…looking into a mirror.
Anyway, I can’t help but wonder if this is due to my early faith experiences, the emphasis preachers and teachers placed on surrendering to God, trusting in the Bible (which someone recently told me was Godde-in-written form *barf*) over my own intellect, and, well, hell gender roles for women in my church(es).
I guess I’m posting because I needed to share. And, because I wondered if anyone else here has had to deal with this issue.
Anonymousparadox – I haven’t dealt with your particular diagnosis, but I know how upsetting it can be to be on the receiving end of any “diagnosis,” so I admire your courage to share about it. (Several years ago I was handed a “diagnosis” of dissociative identity disorder.)
I think the issues you raised can definitely contribute to becoming dependent on people – especially when “patriarchal spiritual authorities” are telling you not to believe your own intellect and intuition. In one sense, I think many Christians who were raised in Evangelical Christianity have a dependency streak woven into their psyche. I know I did. Why else would it take me 50 years to allow myself to finally question everything I had been taught? Look at how difficult it has been for the majority of people in this community to actually leave the institutional church? Especially when the church makes you choose between leaving & preserving your sanity and losing all your friends/entire social network? That is exactly how dysfunctional abusers function! Their number one goal is to make you dependent on them. How sick is that?
Church leaders HAVE to make people dependent on the church/religious system in order for the church to continue to exist. So they use scare tactics and tell you NOT to believe your own mind, heart, thoughts, and emotions. They paint the very things that make a person who they are as something dangerous and something to be avoided at all costs. That is how they hook us into their dysfunction and abuse, and that is how they keep us dependent on the church, church leaders, and our church friends. And that is why it is so damn hard to break away from the church! We have to continually deny our short-term need for friends/social interaction in favor of being true to ourselves and living our truth. Some people can handle that better than others. Some people end up returning to the church because being cut off from social interaction and friends is just too much to bear. (No judgment or shame in that by the way.) The rest of us are struggling to figure out how to form friendships with people who are not Christians/church goers.
As far as your diagnosis – and I could be totally wrong here – I’m wondering if self identity might be an important factor. It seems to me that a person with a healthy self-concept and healthy self-esteem would be less likely to be dependent on others??? I have found that when I started to believe in myself and honor (rather than try to eradicate) my intellect, thoughts and feelings, – that has given me a healthy self-esteem and the strength to turn my back on dysfunctional spiritual abusers and to do what is in my own best interest. And I am MUCH less dependent on other people now, because I now have within myself what I used to seek out from others. (Believe me, I used to be a huge people-pleaser, approval addict and was always performing for the acceptance and love of others.) But now I KNOW I can trust myself and my own instincts, and they won’t lead me astray like other people are capable of doing. I guess it comes down to finally being able to trust myself, which boils down to believing I know better than anyone else, what is best for me.
Hope this is helpful on some level. But if I completely missed the boat, don’t give any of this a second thought okay? I’m glad you are here!
AnonymousI’m sorry you’re going through this. I can relate, and can assure you that a diagnosis does not have to define you.
I went through some really terrible times some years back. I ended up in an out of hospitals and just craziness for a while. The diagnosis they stuck me with was Borderline Personality Disorder. I too, remember looking at the definitions of that and thinking – omg, that’s me, I’m nuts! (interestingly BPD is also one of those ‘female’ diagnosis)
The ‘science’ of diagnosing mental health issues is so imperfect I wouldn’t even call it a science. But people (and more importantly, insurance companies) need labels and descriptions. So they find one that fits well enough. But in reality, a persons inner most self can not be labeled and put into a neat little box. I had some great therapists that understood that and treated me as Heather, not BPD.
The cool thing was that having that funny little label got me help to move forward though. I don’t think it was ever accurate, and I certainly wouldn’t meet the criteria for that diagnosis today, but I’m oddly thankful that I got stuck with it for a while. It started me down a path that lead to real healing and making me a much stronger, healthier person!
Hey @paradoxpromised5 … I agree… that took a lot of courage and I admire you for it. I do think that being brought up in unhealthy religion and being programmed to think a certain way prepares us for, as you say, “issues”. I wonder if these symptoms need be permanent?
I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with behavioral health issues. It is a very inexact science and the human mind is so complex. I hope that you can get the help you need if that is what is going on.
That is a good question and it made me think about how people fear depending on the government. While a worthy debate, many of these same people will happily depend on an institution that wants your soul. If the pastor tells them not to hang out with a certain type of person or buy from an organization, they will do it without objecting. The church can turn into a dictatorship just like a govt can and I think it the church can become that way a lot easier because they tell you that your soul and eternal life (or death) is at stake. It is a man-made institution and their is corruption and incompetence just like any organization. It is imperative to be an active citizen/church member and understand that you have choices.
@AgnosticBeliever So true. We have been taught to believe a pastor is a good person because he/she is a pastor. They, just like every other title in humanity, are filled with great people and evil people. Unfortunately, the evil in this category are very well adapted to taking advantage of the vulnerable. And, even after some of the evil ones have been exposed, their followers are blinded to their evil and continue to be deceived.
AnonymousHey, I can relate. I’m a burnt out shrink plus I have diagnoses. I’ve been diagnosed at various times with anxiety and depression. I would think most people have experienced these conditions at one point or another but my mother threw me in the mental hospital at age 20 and even though I was clearly not psychotic I was put on triavil which is in part an anti-psychotic drug. The truth was my mother is a bigtime narcissist and as such could not meet her husband’s needs. He couldn’t meet her needs b/c 1) no one could and 2) he was too angry all the time. So between my WASPY upbringing and my crazy childhood with my dysfunctional family I came to believe I was a piece of crap whose only value was in being a doormat, serving other people, finding people, particularly men, who were in pain and helping them. You can imagine what kind of dating relationships I had. When all your experiences in your early life teach you not to trust yourself, not to have good boundaries, basically that you are not a good or inherently worthy person, it’s pretty f’ing easy to look outside yourself for validtion. Am I OK? Am I doing this thing called life right? Am I pleasing you? Do I fit in anywhere? Does anyone need me? Where is my place in the world? You can be overly dependent on other people and what their opinion is of you. Or you can be like me and be co-dependent, thinking your value lies in earning your worth, earning your right to exist in this world, by sacrificing every part of yourself to meet the needs of other people. Either extreme is not healthy, IMO. As with most things the healthy balance is probably found somewhere in the middle. Isn’t the truth that we all need each other? That we are interdependent? Have you heard of the Butterfly Effect that says when a butterly flaps its wings, it affects the weather thousands of miles away? I could go thru the DSM and probably recognize myself in a lot of places, and hey, that’s OK. I think most people can. It’s a book of diagnoses based on the observable behaviors of human beings. We’ve all engaged in at least some of those behaviors at one point in time. So I’ve come to believe in a healthy balance where I take care of myself first, where I find my innate worth inside of myself or in what I believe a kind and merciful God believes to be the truth about all of his children, and then after that I care for others, with healthy boundaries in place. It has been a long road, and I’m still traveling it. Kind of like in the airplane where they say in the event of an emergency put on your own air mask first before helping the person next to you with theirs. Hang in there, girl. You’re valuable. Hope this rambling stream of consciousness was of some use to you.
Hey ya’ll.
Thank you all for your responses. I haven’t been active as much as I want to be. I don’t think I have dependent personality disorder, if anything, I have Avoidant Personality Disorder (thus why I’ve stayed away so long…). Not to label myself unnecessarily, but this is causing some distress. And, it’s just easier to use that label than to run through all of my issues when trying to explain certain problems. I agree with you all that diagnosis is an inexact science. Each clinician has had their own take. And definitely not, @David, any and all of these symptoms need not be permanent… it’s just where I am right now. In a weird, not quite unhealthy not quite healthy yet place.
When I received this diagnosis, I was under the care of nurses in a psychiatric hospital. I really believe they misattributed anxious and depressive behavior to a one size fits all designation that only fit on paper. When I posted initially, I just got out and was struggling mightily with shame over the whole hospitalization and diagnosis. I’m a wheelchair user. The worst thing in the world is to confirm the world’s assumption that we’re all helpless… Of course, I think the chair played some part in their perception of me. So…thank you for your kindness and respect. Still chewing on the responses…
I appreciate your concern and care.
AnonymousAnna Joy – Good to hear from you – thanks for the update. Feel free to post as little or as much as you want to. It’s okay to be silent if that is what you need. We will be here whenever you want to pop back in. Sending you hugs!
@Jo White, *hugs you back*
Thanks!
Ya thanks for the update Anna. You sound like a fighter!
I sure as hell will be…
Thanks
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.