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Hi everyone,
I’m relatively new to TLS and although this is my first post, I’ve really enjoyed being a part of this community so far. None of our struggles are identical, but you all help me feel like I’m not alone. I’d like to share about my main struggle right now, which involves making serious life decisions during deconstruction.
After growing up in a moderately religious Presbyterian home, I became deeply involved with a ‘modern’ evangelical church during my college years. Toward the end of this time, a close Muslim friend and I realized we were not in fact just close friends but were deeply in love. There’s volumes I could write about those last two sentences, but eventually/essentially this friend and I ended up in a relationship and my eyes began to open to equally valid worldviews outside of the box that I was in with my capital T evangelical Truth. Before this, I thought I had considered other worldviews, but in reality I had only looked at them through my own Christian lens; through our intimate relationship, I was able take off my Christian lens and slip on his glasses…seeing the world through someone else’s eyes more than I ever had before. My deconstruction process began.
Fast-forward three years. Although our relationship also caused my boyfriend to question many things, he is still decidedly Muslim. I, on the other hand, have continued to unravel more and more of what I believe, and my previously firm grip on Truth is now a weak handshake from a shy girl. This journey has been incredibly difficult, but as I’m sure many of you can relate, I know it is the journey I need to be on.
Meanwhile, our approach to interfaith love has evolved throughout the relationship too. First, when we decided to date, we resolved to take it seriously and learn as much as we could about the others’ faith (which I thought at the time he would promptly become a Christian after being exposed to the Truth!). Then, when my own deconstruction became more and more serious, there was the undertone that we would decide if we could be together (in marriage) AFTER I figured out what I believed. Last year I realized how much pressure that was putting on me and my spiritual journey, and we changed our approach to deciding if we could be together based on what we know of who the other is right now, and if we could stay committed regardless of what I come to believe. Now we are still in this mindset and also discussing practical things such as how we’d raise our kids.
My struggle now is that although I think this last shift was the right decision, I still feel very lost on my journey and am wondering if I should be making any lifelong decisions. But I’ve also learned that I cannot control my journey or to what extent I will ever have it ‘figured out’. Several weeks ago David advised in a weekly letter not to make major decisions when you’re in a crisis. But if your crisis never resolves, are you permanently in a crisis, or is this your new normal?
I also know that it would be very difficult if I had gone through a similar deconstruction if already married (for instance if I had married my college boyfriend from church). Should I be grateful that I’m not yet bound to another, and wait until I’m in a more solid place to move forward with marriage (to anyone)? On the other hand, I feel a bit like this would be putting my life on hold.
This might sound a bit nebulous so far, so let me give a couple examples of specific concerns. Without a more concrete worldview, how do I even know what the definition of marriage is or what one should strive for? And specifically with my partner, I’m concerned our decisions as a family will more easily default to his worldview since it is MUCH more structured and defined. Finally, what if what my journey leads me to in the future makes us incompatible in terms of religious or spiritual differences? I know that is a risk in any marriage, but when one person is pretty certain of their beliefs and the other is pretty uncertain, it seems like the risk may be higher. For example, although I feel it’s unlikely I’d become an atheist, I don’t feel I can rule that out completely…but he would not be comfortable being married to an atheist. Marriage is super hard in general, so I do not want to set it up for failure by making it unnecessarily complicated. However, at this point in my journey it’s not like I could even describe someone else I’d be MORE spiritually compatible with, in addition to having all the other things I love about him and our relationship.
Thanks for letting me ramble! I don’t expect anyone to hand me THE answer but I certainly appreciate any wisdom sent my way!
I have zero answers but I ask some of the same questions every day. I don’t want to put my life on hold any longer, but don’t know when, or if ever, I’ll figure things out & know how I believe. I can empathize with your struggle!
Kelley, thanks for sharing! It seems you are a deep thinking and are asking some smart questions. I’m assuming you have a good relationship with your boyfriend; it sounds like a mature one. My only hesitation would be his discomfort at being married to an atheist. Have you asked him why he would be uncomfortable? Does it make you uncomfortable that he would be uncomfortable? My concern is that you would be pressured to make a journey with limited destinations. Obviously, this is likely only a minor factor to weigh as you make this large decision. I wish you the best as you continue on your journey.
Good questions! For Lisa and I… we got married in 1980 and were very very conservative. We’ve travelled together for so many years, and some of those times we experienced a severe stretching as one moved in another direction spiritually, etc. Even now, we are on different pages. But the glue, so to speak, is our love for each other. Giving the other space to explore and be themselves is the natural outcome of that love, but it certainly isn’t easy at time.
Hi Kelly! (like the name
Thanks for posting!! I have been out of the dating world for a long time (married for 13 years now) and we met at Bible college, so I’m not an expert in this area. However, I was wondering, (that I wasns’t sure about based on your post does it matter to him what your new beliefs come to be? Is it okay with him if you do not believe the same that he does?
My two cents is if you truly love each other, why wait? Some people take years and years to deconstruct, and in reality, I’m not sure if there should be an expectation to come to any firm beliefs about anything.
What matters the most is if you feel that he would respect you no matter where you are at in your journey and if he would give your future kids free will to decide their own path. (if that is what you desire)
Life is short, and if you love him, there may be regrets if you let him go. But I am not in your shoes so it is hard to say what the ideal course of action is.
Maybe you could spend time journaling or meditating to get some clarity.
Take care!
Kellie
oh, I am sorry – I just read your post closer. It does concern me that he would not be comfortable with an atheist. Do you know that for sure or is it an assumption? Have you talked with him in depth about this? What is his reaction when you tell him that you aren’t sure where you will end up, beliefs wise?
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