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David Hayward 1 year, 11 months ago.
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ippie: Still going to church….
ippie Community Stories October 28, 2012 9 Comments »Hi all,
I’ve been reading some of the stories and I recognise a lot of the issues you’ve all worked through. So I thought I’d better share a bit of my own story and not just lurk in the background.I grew up in a little town in the Netherlands. My parents were elders at a little pentecostal church till I was about 11. We lived next door to the pastor and his wife. From what I remember the church was obsessed with Israel, they really seemed to believe that the physical country was something so special that we should really all move there but in the meantime lets “save” as many people as we can from hell and damnation. My parents rocked the boat, there was some conflict over a physical or spiritual Israel as mentioned in the scriptures. I was 11, I didn’t care(and still don’t!) but my parents got asked to leave. After that, all the people who I’d called auntie and uncle all my life pretended not to see me if they passed me in the street. We were shunned. It was just crazy, my parents moved to a smaller house in a different suburb just to get away from the pastor.
My parents found another church about 40 miles away, evangelical this time. My brother and I had to go, that was never up for discussion but I was weary. I didn’t want invest in this new ‘family’, it was only a matter of time before somebody disagreed with someone about something small and insignificant (in my eyes anyway). I got depressed, but moody teenagers are largely ignored so I hid it after a while, talked the talk like everyone else, developed a crush on the pastors daughter and by then was sure I’d go to hell. Either for being gay or for killing myself, both unpardonable sins as far as my parents and church were concerned. One new years eve, I think I was 18 or 19, I chickened out of my plan to leap off a building and decided I’d have to try actually living. I gave myself till I was 25 – if I was still insanely unhappy then, I’d end it.
I used to pray for God to heal me from my homosexuality, and for Him to send me a man who would fall in love with me. A few years later, I was now living in Amsterdam, I met a man from New Zealand. He seemed crazy about me, asked me to marry him after a month (when he was on his way home to NZ). A long distance year followed, we got married and I moved to the other end of the earth. The churches were the same, the husband developed lovely nicknames for me (donkey, dog and horse were the favourites), we had two children, I became even more depressed, developed a crush on a girl in a chatroom, tried Exodus ex-gay conversion therapy etc.
Basically I was pretty screwed up, till one day the husband actually hit me – in front of the kids – in their bedroom! I always felt I deserved the treatment I got, but tried to shield it from the girls. I was so mad they had to see what he did to me, it gave me the strength to stand up. I moved out and left him while he was on a work conference overseas (I was still terrified of his anger), and came out as gay to some of my friends (none of whom seemed very surprised).
I left my (very cultish) church because the kids hated going there – smart kids! Sorry, I do feel like I’m rambling so I’ll finish up by saying that I found a wonderful woman who stuck with me while my eldest daughter tried to make her life a living hell for the first year or so. (she wanted her daddy back). My girlfriend found God, and we ended up in a little Salvation Army church. We’re accepted there, although we can’t be “soldiers” because we’re gay. Nor can our pastor marry us, because it would get him fired. The church has never really fit into the Salvation Army mold, and there aren’t many people left. It may actually fold in the next year or so. What we’ll do then? I don’t know. There’s not a lot of churches where we’d be welcome but I’m not too worried about that.9 Responses to ippie: Still going to church….
starfielder October 28, 2012 at 11:53 pm #
Eppie, I love your story! I have loved chatting with you . Thank you for your honest story. Thank you for sharing it with all of us here. ((hugs)) to you and your family.
ReplyDavid October 29, 2012 at 7:33 am #
Ya I love your story too. I wish you didn’t cut it off at the end. I was captivated. We love to listen here.
ReplyAng October 29, 2012 at 10:53 am #
ippie, I think many of us get caught in trying to be who we are ‘suppose’ to be, but most of us don’t realize it. I have had gay friends and atheist friends for many years. My ‘use to be’ church friends didn’t welcome them into their circles and didn’t want to participate in things I did with them.
I have always said I didn’t like hypocrites. But was I being a hypocrite by attending a church where my other friends were not welcome? And who was the more ‘christ-like’? My church friends who were very selective in their community; or my atheist and gay friends who loved me and it didn’t matter to them that I was christian and straight? They loved me because I was me and not because of a title or banner the world placed on me.
Ah! So many questions!
I’m glad you are here!
Replyroseyaire October 29, 2012 at 12:09 pm #
Hi, Ippie. I’m with David, continue your story! I’m glad it concluded with you safe, in a loving relationship.
ReplyRuth Anne October 29, 2012 at 12:11 pm #
Ippie – thanks for sharing your story. I was captivated too…Sorry for all the pain you have been through trying to “do the right thing”.
ReplyHappy Lee October 30, 2012 at 3:45 pm #
Some of the most important people in my life are gay. And they are a blessing to me. They just shower me with love and help in whatever I may need. They had to move away for work and I miss them so much. A warm hug.
Replyippie October 30, 2012 at 4:05 pm #
Thanks for your lovely comments! I will add some more later
Replyippie November 4, 2012 at 9:00 pm #
Part 2
I cut off my story pretty much at the point where I realised that I was finally free. I left my husband, walked out of the evangelicals, filled my little apartment with Salvation Army furniture and my two kids. I spent about a year regaining my self-worth, there were some half-hearted attempts at marriage counselling but as time passed I found myself able to say no. Charming (ex)husband kept asking who helped me find a new place and move – he did not believe I could do that on my own. That just strengthened my resolve to stand on my own two feet. After that first year I met Jo – first online through mutual friends, and then in person. We’ve been together ever since. Coming out as gay is a really strange thing, it never really stops. Every time you meet someone new, there’s that split second where you have to decide whether to mention it. It shouldn’t matter, but it still does. I always assumed my parents would disown me, my dad was always rather homophobic when I was growing up. (Cast out those demons etc) I was terrified of what they’d say, so I emailed them. They called the minute they read my email and told me they loved me. When my mother first met Jo about a year later, she told Jo that she had never seen me happier. Pretty clever, my mum!
Life is not without struggles of course, my eldest teenager is about to turn 16, she’s doing life tough (depression, cutting, etc – but we’re working through that with counselling, communication and lots of hugs).
Thanks for letting me hang out with you all here – my faith is changing, but it no longer scares me.
ReplyDavid November 4, 2012 at 11:16 pm #
Hey Ippie: your line “Coming out as gay is a really strange thing, it never really stops. Every time you meet someone new, there’s that split second where you have to decide whether to mention it.” really hit me hard. truth!
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This topic was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
Irma.
I loved reading your story again ippie.
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This topic was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
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