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I said it was long, and I meant it. I don’t know if the following is understandable, but it’s my story.
Spirituality. I think it’s always been a scary word to me, if I’m completely honest with myself. I was at the tender age of 5 when my mother was “born again” at a James Dobson or John MacArthur seminar I believe. Soon after, she sat down and told me that she had lied to me my whole life about the Easter Bunny, Santa, and the Tooth Fairy. And then she said she was SO sorry and that she knew Jesus would forgive her. I was so angry with her, and I was so incredibly confused that she was able to deny the existence of all of the invisible entities that I once held dear and simultaneously believe that everyone needed to believe in another invisible entity. The thing that soon changed my mind was the combination of the fact that I was still young enough to have my mind molded, and that suddenly there was a Hell. Fear of this Hell caused me to cry buckets at the story of Noah’s Ark, and promise that I would NEVER ever EVER be a bad girl again because I love Jesus and God and I will go to Heaven. Suddenly, rainbows weren’t just incredibly beautiful things that showed up in the sky after a rain sometimes, but reminders that God was once so pissed off at people like me that he drowned them all but his favorites and felt bad about it and said He’d never do it again. He placed in the sky to let you know He’s still watching. Almost like how my dad used to hang the belt on the wall in the living room instead of the closet.My childhood consisted of church, my parents screaming and fighting, church, getting screamed at, church, being hit and “spanked” for sometimes no reason, other times I probably deserved it, church, being home schooled and bullied by kids at church, and more church. By the time I was 11, my mom had decided that being regular christian humans wasn’t acceptable with God. Suddenly we had to wear a special cover to pray, all of my jeans, overalls or any other pants were removed from my wardrobe and replaced by ugly dresses and skirts, the television was removed and we weren’t allowed any music with a “satanic” beat. Classical music was pretty much all we could listen to unless it was praise and worship music, but even most of that made my mom feel to “worldly” so she got rid of Michael W. Smith praise songs in favor of some church choir singing old hymns. I used to love Classical music. I love the fact that old hymns melodies were once drinking songs….but, I digress.Legalism seeped in and slowly destroyed what wasn’t already broken in my home.. I was a 14 year old, ugly skirt wearing, long, long haired weirdo outcast in my small community and my best friend was my cat. My 4 younger sisters and younger brother were the next closest things to friends I had, but I admit that I’ve always been my own person and the 4 years between myself and my first sister didn’t help. That and the fact that from the time I was 8 my mother used me as a live in babysitter (not an exaggeration at all) well…let’s just say we were all suffering from some type of abuse/neglect in addition to the immense suppression that was inflicted by our life having rules of conduct that prevented us from even remotely fitting in with our peers. We were extreme even within the walls of the Reformed Baptist church my parents were members of. Love was missing. Missing from my home, the church, and my heart. When my parents marriage suddenly ended when I was 15, and my mother went into a very deep and dark depression, leaving my siblings and I to for a large part, fend for ourselves, I told God something I had wanted to tell him for years: “I HATE YOU!”
Well, the sky didn’t open and God didn’t kill me right on the spot, so maybe he understood..or..maybe he doesn’t exsist? This is what I thought at the time, but then my old “friend” Hell (or the fear of God) got me to start living like a good christian again. After only a few months I experienced some really awful and scary “encounters with demonic forces”. I saw things move on their own, felt presences, saw ghosts..and I became convinced that I was going to Hell if I didn’t repent. SO, I”repented” and was hardcore back into reading my Bible and praying for mercy. Even when I “rebelled” against some of my mother’s wishes and started wearing pants. cut my hair to the middle of my back, and started listening to Jars of Clay, I was completely certain that I was on God’s side and He was on mine. Fights with my mother would get so horrible and I would even end up injured after some of them. Finally, at 18, I couldn’t take it anymore. I moved to a Christian Conference Center on the coast only about an hour’s drive from my mom’s house and worked (waitressing, housekeeping, deli counter) 13 to 16 hours a day for room and board and attended their Sunday evening “service” since I couldn’t go to church since we had to work in the morning. I thought maybe I would find level-headed and kind hearted people there, since all my life the churches I’d been a part of were so close minded and heartless toward me and my family. Well, it didn’t take long to discover that these people were just the same, but they allowed blue hair and piercings, just not “rebellious” attitudes. I attempted suicide several times in this stage of my life, because I couldn’t find a loving soul without an agenda (and because I was a dramatic teenage girl with too many bad feelings). I figured I’d just like to meet God now rather than keep trying to find him in people. My last attempt at taking my own life was thwarted with the cute conference center worship leader taking a moment to see if I was okay as I was barreling off the grounds to drown myself in the undercurrent. He ended up listening to my story and successfully showed me that suicide is just plain selfish, because there is always at least one person who you’re taking yourself from. I never tried to take my own life again, but I also never found another listening ear while I was trying to work through my thoughts.
I dated a confused agnostic, and attended a Bible College program run on the same grounds as the conference center. I tried to make sense of the obviously contradictory ideas that were presented about the scriptures, and made a few friends with blue hair and piercings. They were way nicer and more understanding than the regular looking people. My relationship started going really bad. We fought a lot and he beat me (and himself) if I didn’t devote every spare moment to him. We went to get help from conference center overseers and were sent to christian couples counseling which got us no where at all. And then I met a guy that my best gal pal introduced me to… and my boyfriend saw that we hit it off. He dumped me after trying to drive us off a cliff but chickened out…soon after that I dropped out of the bible school, and I left the conference center.
I had no where to go (and refused to go home to my mom) and stayed with my girlfriend for awhile. The guy she introduced me to before my boyfriend ended it was really nice. His name is Andrew. He’s a (off and on) pastor’s kid. His family took me in and gave me a job when a roommate situation with a girlfriend of mine fell through. I started dating Andrew a few months later and they kicked him out and kept me to make sure I was good girlfriend material. I have no idea how I didn’t run screaming from the building, but they altered my wardrobe and overall style to fit their vision of being “godly” and I actually let them because I was in love with their son. Right off the bat I knew that Andrew was far more experienced than I was both socially and sexually. He hid the latter from his mom and dad quite well it seemed. Frankly, I was and still am, sexually inept and confused beyond belief. In the end, I married him, only six months after we met and so soon because his parents were afraid we’d “do it” before we were married. (Why does it really matter?)
Fast forwarding… In the first 5 years of marriage…We hopped from church to church because I wanted to find real, honest, loving people who cared and wanted to be cared for. I think my husband just went along with me, but he seemed to get along wherever… We had fights with his parents and my mom over spiritual things, we had churches tell us we were “abandoning family”or being rebellious like witches when we left over serious hypocrisy or severe misogyny and abuse of power. I always ended up feeling like the only people that mattered were the potential converts. The people “out there”… But I didn’t matter. I was supposed to have it all figured out already and be a functioning member of the “body”. At one very “progressive” church, I tried to be a youth leader and they kicked out my (I had found one at last!) mentor when they discovered he is gay. I still miss him. The guy that took over for him had a doctorate in something theological and wanted all of us to call him “Dr.” afterwards. He made me feel like a useless woman. I couldn’t be involved in certain things because of the fact that I was born female. My talents and forte’s could only be used if it was appropriate and I was submissive to the penis people’s god given authorities. (This still makes me very mad.) I called to say I was leaving, he told me I was just taking a break. I said, no, I am not coming back. He said, yes you are, you will be back. (no, i won’t)
Year 6 of my marriage was hell on earth. I had a car accident that left me with permanent dizzy spells and headaches as well as other things. My husband lost his job and were plunged into massive debt. We could barely keep our apartment, and the only way our church would help is if we were giving enough of our time and energy to them. Even then, we were told we couldn’t live with a couple (who initially offered to put us up in their basement until we got on our feet) because our little daughters would interfere with their dogs comfort. (Sorry, you might have to be homeless, but we can’t have our 3 story 4,000 square foot home invaded by two legged sticky children and make our doggies uncomfy. God bless you, though. Oh, and here’s a little cash.) That same year I learned that my husband cheated on me and there was not one single solitary christian who could offer me a loving hand or listening ear. I stayed with him after all was said and done, and a couple years off from church.
When I look back on ALL my years in churches, I realize that I never once truly felt like a part of any of it. I always ended up being an outcast or a wallflower or an object of ridicule or just plain mistreated for no good reason. The love that those people spoke of from the podium and in ladies bible studies was completely absent from the the great majority interactions that I recall having with them. The final church I will ever attend delivered the last few straws before my camel’s back was thoroughly broken. It was about 3 years and 9 months ago. A woman at our new church, whom I had stupidly tried to reach out to in a fit of kind, peaceful doing unto others as I would want done unto me, decided to share a “word from the Lord” with me. The message? “The reason you are so lonely, and no one talks to you after church is that God doesn’t want you to have any friends”. That, among a whole slew of other mean things put me over the edge. These people were using god to justify being horrible and church was like an extension of high school social games. I couldn’t take the gossiping and backstabbing and any of it any more. After I left, I wrote a letter to the pastor to let him know that I cared for him and his family but that I couldn’t do it anymore. He wrote back to tell me that it was my problem. They didn’t talk to me even though I said I would still be happy to talk. I had just found out I was pregnant (surprise) and I had a very bad feeling about it. I ended up very sick and hospitalized when the baby stopped growing. From 16 weeks in they said she would not live, or had a serious genetic defect. She was born 3 months early, weighed only 14 ounces, and stayed in the hospital for 4 months. There were many churches that knew of our circumstances, yet not a single person from any one of them did anything but say they were praying for us. We really could have used some meals or babysitting for our older girls while I visited the baby in the hospital. The only people that came through to help or be supportive at all in a real sense were my atheist half brother and his family. It was during this time that I began to lose my religion completely. I went through one last period of fear gripping me and making me SEARCH and this time I started searching outside of scripture. I found out that Hell isn’t real, and that religion is about control. I found out that we don’t know everything, and maybe we can’t. I think I am okay with that, but I am not okay with the fact that I am feeling so incredibly bitter. I am bitter over the fact that I don’t know why people are so two faced and mean and using an invisible entity to justify their behaviour. I am bitter because I don’t know how to talk to most people when they want to know what I believe. I don’t even know what I believe. I just know that LOVE is real, and I don’t really feel it until I give it.
I am bitter because there are so many attitudes that are contradictory and so many people hurting because someone with “authority” was unloving to them and quoted scripture to justify it. I am bitter because I can’t tell someone how bitter I feel without them telling me to not let “people” color my view of “god”…I do not even know if there is “a god”…I do feel that there is a beautiful world and I wish I could see more of it. Money sucks, and lots of people suck. I still believe that there are lots of people that don’t. I want to overcome my bitterness and learn to look beyond the junk from my past that is clouding my vision. I want to move forward and learn how to be the person I always felt I was, but wasn’t allowed to be.
I am ready to swim in the ocean instead of staying inside the buoys near the shore.
I’m ready to meet all the sea creatures.Tags: community moxierocks story
Something about
My name is Jessi. I’m a wife and mother, a musician, artist, writer, and a freakin’ awesome friend if you choose to get to know me. I have a lot on my mind, and a lot comes out of my mouth, but I still exercise tact. (most of the time) I used to be a christian. Now I don’t know what I am. Hypocrisy and cold heartedness from church after church essentially drove me into the arms of myself. Now I’m trying to find other people who know what I mean when I say, “I don’t know, but I’m okay with that!” If you want to read about how I grew up and finally left church, here’s a link: http://www.davidhayward.ca/2012/09/moxierocks-its-a-long-story/
View all posts by →40 Responses to moxierocks: It’s A Long Story.
honeyglow September 15, 2012 at 7:58 pm #
Oh, wow!! What a raw account of your life experience. I am incredibly humbled that you had the courage to share such painful details and my heart is so broken for you right now. I am brand new to this forum and haven’t even shared my story yet, but please know that you are NOT alone in your feelings. I hope that your healing will start by connecting with the fact that there are others that DO get it,relate, and truly give a damn. Love and Light to you moxierocks (whatever that means. My intention is a virtual hug). –Honeyglow
moxierocks September 15, 2012 at 8:24 pm #
Thank you, honeyglow. Admittedly, it was not easy to relive those things and type them out. I feel really worn out! But I know that someone may actually benefit from learning what I’ve been through, because I’m certain that I am not the only one. I really think that’s what a lot of life is about…learning that we aren’t alone in anything! Thanks for giving a damn! and virtual hugs back to you!
David September 15, 2012 at 8:01 pm #
Moxierocks: “I want to move forward and learn how to be the person I always felt I was, but wasn’t allowed to be.” Welcome. I think that can start happening now.
moxierocks September 15, 2012 at 8:25 pm #
Thank you, David! I can hardly wait!
maliborn September 15, 2012 at 8:10 pm #
LOVE is real! I hope you can feel some of that love through all of us in this community. We welcome you with open arms and open hearts!
moxierocks September 15, 2012 at 8:26 pm #
Thanks so much for the warm welcome, maliborn! I am excited to meet everyone!
McBeth September 15, 2012 at 9:41 pm #
……my heart hurt as I read your story. I am deeply saddened for the pain you have felt at the hands of those who professed christ. What a travesty to his original intent and message to us.
I think it is a great testimony to god in you that you stil believe in love at all….
Thank you for your honesty…and welcome.moxierocks September 16, 2012 at 12:11 pm #
Thank you, McBeth.
starfielder September 15, 2012 at 11:18 pm #
“I am ready to swim in the ocean instead of staying inside the buoys near the shore.
I’m ready to meet all the sea creatures.”
Welcome to the ocean. Thank you for sharing your courageous story.moxierocks September 16, 2012 at 3:47 pm #
Thank you, starfielder!
what kind of sea creature are you?starfielder September 19, 2012 at 12:18 am #
I’m a happy sea creature (that has learned how to swim with sharks. I can handle the deep ocean now but it’s been a long time coming. )
Jo White September 16, 2012 at 1:26 am #
Moxierocks – Thanks for being so honest about the things you went through growing up. I am SO SORRY for all the devastating pain and hurt “Christians” put you through – especially in the name of God.
He is so NOT like that!! God is LOVE (the genuine, accepting, unconditional kind you always longed for – not the hypocritical, abusive kind you experienced). I know to say “God is love” sounds so cliche, but God truly IS 100% PURE, PERFECT LOVE.
I’d say the fact that you still believe love is real, and the fact that you can express love at all, when all you ever got was rejection, hatred,and cruelty from people who were supposed to love you,(not to mention totally misrepresenting God to you), means you definitely still have a very real connection with God (or whatever you want to call Him/it/whatever.)
My dad – and supposed “representative of God” – sexually molested my two nieces and that’s when memories of him doing the same things to me finally surfaced. (I had been depressed my whole lfe but never knew why until then.) It was unfathomable that MY HERO – THIS MAN OF GOD – BETRAYED MY TRUST and robbed me of my childhood innocence. I too am messed up sexually because of that(plus being subjected to Satanic Ritual Abuse which both my parents were also involved in. They led a crazy, mind-boggling double-life!)
But this is the part I want you to hear. In spite of all that sexual/emotional/spiritual abuse – I came to know without a doubt that God’s outrageous grace and unconditional love for me is REAL! Your journey and end conclusions about God may differ from mine, but I just want you to know you too can find hope and healing somewhere along your journey.moxierocks September 16, 2012 at 2:22 am #
Thank you for your kind words, Jo White. I am truly sorry for your pain and what your dad has done to you and your nieces! :’(
I wrote a lot in my story, but there wasn’t room for all of it. I too was sexually molested as a small child, (by a friend of my parents) and I also blocked it out for a really long time! When I finally remembered, (and understood what happened to me) neither of my parents believed me! I wasn’t sure what was worse…that I had been violated so, or that I was brushed aside as an attention seeker. I know that some of this contributes to how sexually messed up I am..
I honestly do not know who/what I believe in..but I just know that I see a pattern in nature that is also in my life. Things that die give birth to life and beauty. Dead and decaying plant life makes living plants thrive. Caterpillars develop inside their chrysalises hidden from sight like a baby in the womb, seemingly dead and lifeless and emerge as incredibly changed as can be. My baby girl that I mentioned in my story is now a 3 year old (still tiny), ALIVE and smart as a whip with only a couple of scars and a sensitive immune system as a reminder of her perilous beginnings. My marriage should have ended, and it has NOT been easy to deal with the things that happened, but we actually love each other and that means more to both of us than anything else.
I don’t know if you follow my thought process, but I just mean I can see that sometimes the really bad is just preceding something very good…and even if it takes years and years, I think a lot of really awful things will one day look like scaffolding that holds up a beautiful, intricate sculpture and then when the sculpture is complete, the scaffolding falls away…:D
Whoever and/or whatever is sculpting seems to be working in contrasts, since they are easier to see!honeyglow September 16, 2012 at 7:09 am #
“sometimes the really bad is just preceding something very good…and even if it takes years and years, I think a lot of really awful things will one day look like scaffolding that holds up a beautiful, intricate sculpture and then when the sculpture is complete, the scaffolding falls away”—this has got to be one of the most beautiful analogies I’ve ever read about heartache,growth, and emerging beauty. You are very gifted with words and I will NEVER forget you putting it in this way. I’m going to thank you in advance because I KNOW I’ll be using this analogy with the many clients I interact with on a daily basis who are in such pain and feel as though they’re crumbling under the scaffolding. And thinking of in this way has already helped with my own healing process. SO glad you are here and sharing from your heart moxierocks!
Jo White September 16, 2012 at 3:08 am #
I’m sorry you were sexually abused too. I completely understand your statement about not knowing which is worse: the actual abuse, or the fact that nobody believes you about the abuse!!!
I like your analogy about the sculture and the scaffolding.I’m glad your little girl is doing well after going through so many health problems after being born.Jacquie September 16, 2012 at 5:24 am #
Hi Moxierocks…I’m happy to meet you I was very active on the site until I became ill a couple of weeks ago so I am trying now to play catch-up and yours is the first story/contribution I have read since.
You have certainly proven to be a survivor, a sensitive and loving person who can feel love and give love in return. You have been in the wrong places to show that love or to receive it which I totally identify with. If you find my story on the site you will see that we share similar experiences with mental, physical and spiritual abuse.
I too am confused about whether there is a god or if he is a figment of my longing/imagination. God found me as a young 5 yr. old child when I was in such despair over beatings from my mom and for many years I was in a good church environment where I was loved, accepted and the bible wasn’t pushed down my throat. Then I became “born again” and moved on from the “safe” church to begin a difficult and unhappy set of circumstances/belief systems that really messed with my head, culminating in my membership in a cult and a breakdown thrown in for good measure. Since that time I have not attended any church…my trust in Christians has been dismantled/eroded and thus my belief in God as well.
I feel a connection with you for all the reasons I mention above and I am pleased that we can all journey together, safe in the knowledge that this is a good place, full of caring, understanding folk. We will move forward and be a blessing to one another.
I am also happy to know that your little girl who had such a tenuous hold on life in the beginning is now a thriving 3-year old and that through all the bumps and scrapes your marriage has held together all due to your love for each other.
You have come to the place where you will find your journey much more pleasant and peaceful. (((hugs)))moxierocks September 16, 2012 at 3:46 pm #
Hi, Jacquie! I am sorry you’ve been ill, and I sincerely hope you are feeling better! I found your story and read it. You are right, there are many similarities in our journeys. I feel that there is an amazing thing happening on this forum. There’s no place like it, and I think we are part of something beautiful and freeing!I am glad to meet you, and I look forward to connecting with you more very soon.
servantgirl September 16, 2012 at 12:25 pm #
Moxierocks, Thanks you so much for sharing this with us. I’m excited to see how this community helps you on your journey. Welcome
moxierocks September 16, 2012 at 3:13 pm #
Thank you, servantgirl! I’m so glad to be here!
Ruth Anne September 16, 2012 at 1:47 pm #
Oh Moxierocks… what a sad, sad story. I am SOOO sorry for the way all those people treated you! When I started reading your story I thought of your mom and what a job she did on you in her own quest for understanding. And it just kept getting worse! So many sick people acting like they know it all….and their treatment of you was HORRENDOUS to say the least. I would be bitter too! I’m glad that you are here! There are many people on this site that understand and can reach out and heal those places in your heart that were torn to shreds. Bless you!
moxierocks September 16, 2012 at 3:27 pm #
Thanks for the caring words, Ruth Anne! I cried as I read your comment…I think it is because I have tried for so long to detach the people that mistreated me from their actions, and I haven’t just let myself say it out loud. “So many sick people acting like they know it all….and their treatment of you was HORRENDOUS to say the least.” THANK YOU for saying that!
I am keenly aware that there are millions and millions of people with stories like mine or even much worse, but I’m hopeful that the reasons why these things happen will one day be made very clear.Just one example, I learned as I got older that my mother’s life was actually far harder than mine, and her mother was incredibly cruel and married an evil, abusive man who made my mother and her sisters’ lives a living hell. Because of this, my mom doesn’t consider the way she treated us a bad thing…because in comparison we were getting slapped on the wrist in her mind. I forgive my mother, but I would be dishonest if I said it isn’t still affecting my life.
Thank you again!Richard September 16, 2012 at 2:24 pm #
I resonate with a lot of your story. If I were to say I had a conversion experience it would be when I stopped believing in a god who would inspire such a sick community. There are so many Christian teachings that set up no win psychological traps.
I find so much happiness in taking personal responsibility and letting go of as much shit as I can.
I had a pivotal experience my freshman year when I was attending a religious college. I was about 17 and this classmate was scolding me for being out of touch and not knowing how bad stuff was out there. He obviously didn’t know what I was carrying around.
We’re sitting around with a whole group of people and I was feeling on the outside as it was. I really didn’t feel like explaining stuff to him so I spontaneously said, “Fuck god.” It got real quiet real fast. With those two words I communicated that yes, I was in touch with a lot of pain, and this guy didn’t know shit about me. LOL I felt strangely empowered after that.
And that is when I discovered the secret of rigorous honesty. I understood that Christian teachings, under the smoke screen of “goodness” really teach people to be self centered and egocentric. I was taught always to make sure “I” wasn’t sinning. That is all about ego. When I let go of ego and had nothing to loose I could be honest. And that is freedom.
And I will never let anyone or any teaching take that away from me again. Pain is a powerful teacher.moxierocks September 16, 2012 at 3:12 pm #
“When I let go of ego and had nothing to loose I could be honest. And that is freedom.”
YES!
Good to meet you, Richard.Jeff September 16, 2012 at 7:42 pm #
Moxierocks… I’m a little late to the party here. I was away for the weekend. I’m sorry that religious people have been so horrible to you. And I am glad that we get to spend these moments together on the interwebs. I hope that you find a new kind of peace, a new place of wholeness, and a sense of purpose in your own journey.
moxierocks September 16, 2012 at 8:02 pm #
Thank you, Jeff! Peace to you!
Jo White September 16, 2012 at 8:36 pm #
I can really relate to what Moxierocks said about being able to forgive your mother once you realized her life was even more painful in many ways than yours.
I have no doubt my mother grew up in a far more toxic “Christian” family/church than the one I grew up in. I am sad for her that she has never experienced GRACE, and that because she is so entrenched in shame she probably never will.)
While I still cannot have a relationship with her (because she is still way too toxic), I do forgive her (which is an ongoing process.)
Contrary to popular Christian teaching, forgiveness is NOT minimizing, excusing or sweeping under the rug the pain someone has caused us! And we don’t really forgive others for their sake or God’s sake; we forgive others for OUR sake.
It took me years to figure out what forgiveness really is. IT’s simple a choice between door #1 or door #2.
Door #1: I choose to prolong my pain by remaining bitter(which keeps me chained to my abuser, which allows him/her to continue to control and manipulate me and inflict further pain on me),ORDoor #2: I choose to forgive my abuser for MY sake – so I can experience freedom from the turmoil and pain,so I can become emotional healthy, and able to move forward with my life.
I’m not saying choosing forgiveness is easy – but it’s a whole lot easier than choosing bitterness and further self-destruction.
I love that saying about refusing to forgive being like eating poison but expecting the other person to die. So true! Why do that to ourselves? Haven’t we been through enough pain already?
Hope this doesn’t come off preachy. This has been MY journey with forgiveness. If it helps anybody else that’s great! If it doesn’t, that’s what delete buttons are for!Ruth Anne September 16, 2012 at 11:52 pm #
Hi Moxierocks… it’s quite alright to feel your pain and be very angry at the people for as long as you need to. We so often cut off the healing that comes through dealing with our pain because we forgive too quickly and thus don’t really get down to the root of what has been done to us. You can be angry for a while. You need to really look at what was done to you and grieve about it. Forgiveness will come and with it great release – but only after you have really allowed yourself to be angry about what has happened to you.
There’s always a reason for why people do the hurtful things that they do – but it doesn’t mean that they are excused in their behavior. When someone becomes an adult, they are responsible for their actions. Even if they are “sick”, they can choose to try to work on it and get better. For many, like your mom, you will know why they did what they did – but it still doesn’t take away your pain. Don’t feel guilty for feeling pain. If someone steps on your toe, it’s okay to say “ouch” and if they do worse, it’s okay to cry even louder.
You are very strong and have a really good heart and lots of Moxie ! I know that you are going to come out the other side whole and an even more beautiful person than you are now… but don’t feel that you have to rush the process. It’s okay to feel what you feel…. It’s all going to be okay in the end.. you are not alone…moxierocks September 17, 2012 at 2:07 am #
Thank you so very much! I am feeling overwhelmed (in a really good way) by the outpouring of loving understanding being shown to me by you and Jo White, as well as others here. I hope that I will be able to be as encouraging and uplifting to others as you have been to me!
Jo White September 17, 2012 at 1:28 am #
Hey Moxie – Ruth Anne is absolutely right about it being perfectly OK to still be angry and to feel whatever feelings and emotions yu feel about all the trauma you went through. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO BE ANGRY ABOUT AND to GRIEVE OVER!!!
I hope I didn’t give you or anyone else the impression that it wasn’t OK to be angry for as long as you need to be angry, or that people should rush right into trying to forgive. Not at all!
Back when my Mom was still sending me church bulletins (don’t ask me why?) and letters filled with crazy “sermons” and undeserved guilt trips, it would bring all the pain of the spiritual, emotional and sexual abuse flooding right back and upset me for days.
The only way I could release my anger and tears was to do something physical- I threw rocks in the lake, I broke dishes, I pounded nails into a board, and I write her name on a tennis ball and hit it against the wall over and over, while I threw F-bombs, cried and sometimes screamed.
Some letters I burned, some I shredded, some I wrote “return to sender” on, and it gave me real pleasure to “edit” the church bulletin, by crossing out the word “pastor” after my dad’s name and writing “child molester” or “mother-fucker” there instead.
That went on for at least a couple years. But over time the frequency and intensity of the pain lessened. After I stopped opening and reading her letters(for my own sanity),seeing one in my mailbox might upset me a little, but only for ah hour or two rather than days at a time.
Now, 20 years later, if a letter arrives in my mailbox from my mom, I can calmly throw it in the trash, remind myself she is on God’s hook and not mine, and I don’t give it another thought.
Expressing anger, loss, and grief, was a vital and necessary part of my journey.
Now that I think about it, I didn’t eally make a conscious choice to forgive. One day I just realized that although I couldn’t say I love my mom, I knew I didn’t hate her. Eventually I caught myself wishing good things for her, and that’s when I knew somewhere along the way I had forgiven her.
I hope this has been helpful, and again, I apologize if I was insensitive and “preachy” before! Best of luck on your healing journey! You’re an awesome and special person Moxie!moxierocks September 17, 2012 at 2:02 am #
Hi, Jo!
I didn’t feel that what you said earlier was “preachy” at all! Like you said, you were sharing your journey with learning forgiveness. I love that quote you referenced, too. “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” I think it’s an ancient Buddhist quote, but I’m not sure. Another one that resonated with me is “Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.” I have no idea where that one came from.
Thank you so much for sharing with me those very raw details of how you dealt with your pain and anger when your mother sent you those letters! I feel so grateful for how you have willingly shared with me and expressed such understanding. You are really blessing me, and I can’t tell you how wonderful it feels. Thank you so much! I have yet to really allow myself to express my feelings, and I think that is why I’ve had several really ugly moments where I was seemingly exploding for no real reason. I have thought of writing a letter (and not sending it) to certain individuals that have really scarred my spirit and just “laying into them”…we shall see! A good punching bag sounds nice, too..:P
Looking forward to talking with you more!Jo White September 17, 2012 at 3:23 am #
Hi Moxie – I’m relieved that you felt blessed rather than preached at, and I’m glad sharing specifics about the ways I handled my anger was helpful.
I love your punching bag idea and the “rent-free” saying!:)
Writing letters but not sending them was cathartic and very helpful to my healing process. Just knowing I wasn’t actually going to send it, gave me the freedom to say exactly what I felt without censoring myself or sugar-coating anything. Plus there were no regrets over something I said later on.
I say GO FOR IT and let ‘em have it Moxie! I look forward to hearing more from you too!Gary September 17, 2012 at 8:00 am #
This is an incredible story. I am so glad you are here. Can’t wait to see where your journey (and hopefully some real healing) takes you.
Ruth Anne September 17, 2012 at 10:18 am #
Jo White – I wasn’t responding to your call to forgive – I thought it was all good and true…. I actually didn’t read your comment before I responded to Moxierocks because I just wanted to follow up and what I had written and how she responded. I’ve been guilty of jumping to forgiveness too quick and not letting the process work itself out… and I needed permission to be angry…. Hope you didn’t think I was “rebuking” you or trying to nullify your comment…. I like what you have to say.
Jo White September 17, 2012 at 11:59 am #
Thanks Ruth Anne.
I didn’t take it as a rebuke, more like you were giving balance to what I had said. I went through all that crap so long ago that I tend to remember the end result (forgivenss) without remembering how much anger and I pain I went through to get to that end result.marybeer September 17, 2012 at 9:23 pm #
Hi Moxie, thank you for telling your story. I hope this is part of a new ocean of life for you. It’s so ok not to know if there is a “god”. Trust your own heart and soul now, not what others have done or said. Glad you are here.
Dan September 19, 2012 at 12:14 am #
Thank you for sharing your story in all it’s difficulties, it’s no easy thing – and certainly shows “moxie”! I also really resonate with: “I want to move forward and learn how to be the person I always felt I was, but wasn’t allowed to be.”I think this needs to go up on my wall or something – thanks!
Shira C September 19, 2012 at 11:24 am #
I love your concluding image — welcome to the ocean! I hope you’ll find the freedom to swim where you will, and a safe harbor to return to when you need rest.
Your story shows your own courage, kindness and intelligence. You are a great asset in the world, and I believe you have a beautiful life ahead of you.
All the best, always!JeniAnanda September 27, 2012 at 2:55 pm #
Oh shooot! I kept reading saying: “Oh no!”Ohhh noooo.Oooh NO!Sweetie- you are an amazing woman & all that time in the ‘resistance’ gym has made you strong.I can’t believe what a dickhead religion can be.I’m glad some of the painful storm has passed for you. It just breaks my heart about your mom.
Ang October 5, 2012 at 1:38 pm #
WOW! Moxie! What an amazing story you have shared. My heart breaks for all you had to go thru. And my heart smiles that you have experienced all of this and still have so much love to share. That is amazing. You are amazing.
You have an incredible mastery with words and you should write a book. I feel I have been to a counselor this morning reading this.
I am so glad you could be angry. I was taught ladies don’t get angry. That is so wrong. I’ve learned so much the hard way, and I should say the wrong way. And I was taught all of that in the church. Oh, it makes me so angry now I could just ……. All to be a ‘good Christian’…. I have learned a lot.
You are an awesome person. I’m glad you are here and look forward to many more conversations with you, beautiful lady!Happy Lee October 11, 2012 at 1:00 pm #
Oh my gosh. Your story made me angry because your story is spreading like wildfire. So many have been so profoundly hurt by their church. It’s sad and embarrassing for one who calls herself a Christ follower. I’m so sorry you went through all this. I do pray God will comfort you.
AnonymousThe Easter Bunny and Santa aren’t real??? Just kidding….thank you for sharing such personal things. No words just this *HUG*
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