Shaved head= emasculated womanhood

[Jeni AnandaParticipant]

Before you read this, I have not edited out the “Chrisianese” that I had 4 yrs ago, nor anything else, just in case it speaks to someone, having said that… I probably would be offended NOW by some of the churcy stuff said in this story. How crazy is that?? to be offended by your own writing? Any way, this is a large part of my exodus from church, so if you can get through the whole thing…KUDOS.
Alright, so here’s the story of my bald head. At my 30th birthday several friends prophesied amazing things over me, and I was thanking God during worship a few days later- just awe struck by the things He’d said about me. I felt a need to mark this time, to have a benchmark- ‘pile up some stones’ so to speak… I actually was kidding with Him when I said, “Lord, I’d even shave my head.” Then I heard Him and ‘saw’ Him in my mind’s eye and He had laughter in His eyes and He said, “Well, if you did, you’d learn a LOT of valuable things.”
That was not what I was expecting. So I just laughed with Him. Then, as I drove home from the meeting, I was met with a barrage of reasons why shaving my head would be insane. Such a bad idea! What would people think? Aren’t women supposed to have long hair? What if I’m distracting at church and people think I have cancer? What will my husband say? (oh boy..) What if people won’t let me pray for them because I look like a freak? Or they just think I completely misunderstand the Lord and they don’t want my ‘confusion’ spreading to them? There was a battle going on. So I pressed in, remembered His face and His voice. Yup- that was Him. And if He said that I would learn a lot of valuable things… precious things that I may not be able to learn another way… then I MUST trust His voice. He is good and loves me more than I can imagine! I believe what He says!! I did also ask Him for a dream that night. Which He faithfully supplied… it was just me, with a shaved head (and a look in my eye that said, “This is going to be rough” but giving a thumbs up. Then it ended. He is so funny!
So, I really didn’t know why I did it. I just knew a lesson was coming. I was even prepared for learning awful things about myself. I’ve been struggling with vanity ever since I came into the ‘beauty’ business- 7 years ago- (being addicted to the way people responded to my looks) I’m an aesthetician.
After doing it, I was SO excited! It felt like an adventure with my Love, almost a secret mission that we shared. I was bursting with anticipation to see what He would do. Looking back, the things I thought I would learn… my guesses… are not really what I have learned so far.
A couple days afterward, someone I really trust came to my house. She told me that she had prayed with another person that I really trust and they believed that I was deceived. They believed that the enemy was trying to shame me. That this was a form of self-abuse, like when I used to cut on myself before I knew Christ. They believed that the enemy had emasculated my ‘woman-hood’. And that shaving my head was an act of rebellion. She said I had pushed my husband away from Jesus and I had hurt these people. She showed me verses and was convinced that would change my mind. She said that this was from my childhood trauma- & that I needed inner healing.
I asked, “So, you think that the voice I heard was not the Lord?”
She said, “I can’t say whether it was or not, but the fruit of it was damage. The Lord does not go against what His word says, and I have showed you His word. If God asked you to cut yourself, would you do it?”
“If I was Abraham and God said to cut my foreskin off… yes, I would. And I don’t believe that my hair is what makes me a woman.”
LOL- I SO censored this when I wrote it before… What I actually said was: “If I was Abraham and God told me to cut the end of my dick off? Yes, I would.” LMAO

The conversation ended with me crying, because I saw the hurt in my friend’s eyes and I apologized for hurting her. I even said, “Jesus doesn’t ask us to do things that hurt those we love.” She said the reason she was hurt was because she thought she hadn’t taught me the Bible well enough, or wasn’t a good teacher. (I attend a Bible study at her house.) I have only known her for about a year and have been studying the Word for 6 years before I met her. (This isn’t a long time, but she was taking a lot of responsibility for a small amount of time.) She said they were upset that I didn’t go to them beforehand for godly counsel.
In her perspective, I had repented. I took this to the Lord with a passion and desperation that I haven’t had in a long time. I fasted, I prayed, I sought His voice with every molecule of my being.
I didn’t want to be deceived. I certainly didn’t want to be so stubborn or prideful as to miss a healing that I needed from Him. I certainly wanted to repent if I did something that hurt His heart. I trusted these people.
Time and time again, He confirmed that He was pleased with my faith in His voice. That His voice is the only one I need to look to for approval. That He knows what He’s doing, and He is trustworthy. He even showed me the verse where He told the man to skip his father’s funeral for the sake of the Kingdom. His family was pretty hurt by that. They didn’t understand. “Sometimes what we do together will not be understood by everyone.”
He told me, “Your hair is not your glory, I AM your glory.”
“Your anointing has nothing to do with what you look like. I am strengthening you.”
About a year ago, I had a vision during worship: He led me out onto a stone patio- there was a slab of cement with a princess on it. A dead princess. In my shock, I recoiled. I looked at Him; His eyes reassured me to go forward and check it out. I walked up to her, and she was dead… as a doornail. Gray skin, no life whatsoever. Then she split open (like a sci-fi movie) right down the middle and a blinding light exploded out. From inside the rip and the light, a huge, INTENSE, roaring tiger bounded out. She had fiery, piercing green eyes and lipstick… I knew it was me. The princess represented what I thought a sweet, little church girl should look like. A meek, soft-spoken wall-flower. I wasn’t raised in the church, but the unspoken message was loud enough. (Be the gentle princess.)
In my prayer time, crying out for confirmation, He said, “The princess is dead. I’m molding the tiger.”
When I realized that the well-intentioned ‘intervention’ by my friends was not in line with Him, I was angry. I realized why people who aren’t ‘churched’ don’t want to share vulnerable things with church leaders. A battle started in my mind: to rely on my King to help me forgive, and not entertain the sarcastic, vicious accusations that were constantly firing. I felt like I had shared a beautiful thing between my Jesus & I and she had twisted it and made it sound horribly ugly. One of her suggestions for why I did it was that I was trying to ‘make’ myself holy by abusing my body. If that was true, I wanted to repent as quickly as possible and rely only on His grace and His sacrifice.
Of course I expected some flack, some backlash for this extreme act… but I didn’t think it would be the people closest to me. These people are very progressive and adamant about freedom in Christ. They have endured persecution for going ‘outside the box.’
My husband also was upset and shunned me for 5 days. He would not speak to me, nor sleep in our bed. He was mature enough to say, “I am angry, but I don’t know why.” The ‘wife’s body is not her own’ verse was another that she had quoted to show me my error. I was swirling in accusations and rejection. I was clinging to Jesus’ voice and His approval.
After 5 days, my husband told me that he realized I did it by faith in my God and that he is grateful that I haven’t given up on him. He said, “Every day you nudge me closer to God… please don’t ever give up. Hey, you should hurry up and grow it out so you can shave it again and find out what other religious people really think.”
As for the friend who confronted me, I saw her about 3x a week and I wore a hat and kept my mouth shut every time she mentioned ‘that inner healing’ that I need… I HAD to make sure all the anger and hurt was out of my heart before I could speak with her. Jesus showed me that proving that you are right is not always the most loving thing. Especially since some of the things I wanted to say were cruel and hurtful. It wasn’t easy to keep my mouth shut and my eyes neutral from revealing what I REALLY thought about those comments. It felt like I had a weak muscle- and Jesus was my trainer, showing me that the more reps, the more I exercise that discipline, the stronger the muscle. Then it was easier to step back and see that she was just coming from a place of insecurity and rejection. He showed me how two people can have a conversation, but it’s like they are speaking different languages, and the interpreter (the one you DON’T want to listen to- is telling both of you that ‘they’ are rejecting you.) And you don’t fight fire with fire. If they are ablaze with rejection, pouring more ‘fire’= more rejection, will not help- only Living water, acceptance, inclusion, love, and a desire for their best will douse that fire. She told me, when I first excitedly explained that I shaved my head, “If God asked me to shave my head; I wouldn’t think He liked me very much.”
This was a clue. I think it scared her that if I really heard God, then He might ask her to do something as radical… something that would catapult her out of her comfort zone. (Please remember that God did not command me to shave my head. I brought it up, and He said I would learn, if I did it. I didn’t feel that NOT doing it would be disobedience. This was a choice He was leaving up to me.) There were other things going on with her as well; like: believing a leader in the church has to be the voice of God for whomever they are leading, therefore the leader is directly responsible for the walk of that person. I think that is a lie. Holy Spirit is our guide. He is the voice we base our faith on. He is the ultimate say.
Back to the keeping of the mouth shut. There’s a teaching (from Bethel) that a war horse was so obedient to his master that he would only move when the master said. The horse would wait outside, next to a burning building with it’s flesh being singed- and would not move a muscle until the master gave the word. I felt like that horse. Granted, I am not saying that this was anywhere near as intense warfare as some people all over the world endure, or even in the U.S.- I’m just saying it was hard for me. I felt Him say, “Yes, I am making you powerful, not influenced by the fear of man… but a stallion who roams untamed and destroys whatever it wishes, is no use to its master. Strength focused is valuable to Me.” (If I had lashed back, the strength He was building in me would be used for the wrong team.)
He had me wait a month. There was much exercise for that ‘muscle.’ During that time my prayers had changed to: “Please, Lord, just tell them Yourself. I don’t want to say that I think the ‘intervention’ was the attempt from the enemy to put shame on me. I don’t want to see her face when I say that I think scripture was used out of context to prove an agenda. Give me words of grace and words of healing.” He did. He gave me a prayer to release them from feeling condemnation if they think someone they are teaching sins. He had me tell her she is released from feeling responsible to be the voice of God in people’s lives- she CAN trust them with their walk. She can trust Holy Spirit to be Holy Spirit. Our conversation lasted 4 hours and it was good. She took it well, although she didn’t receive that God was pleased with my hair, but she was very open to hear what I had to say. At the end of our conversation, she said, “Ask God to give you a word for me, so that I will know that He is pleased with your hair.”
“You want God to prove to you that He is pleased with my hair?”
“Yes. He has no problem confirming His words with scripture.”
I said, “He has confirmed it to me with scriptures, but they won’t mean the same to you. Like I said before, it’s ok that we don’t agree. I don’t think we have to agree on everything… It’s ok if you don’t understand.” (I really wanted to avoid a ‘scripture war’.)
“Just ask Him to give you a verse for me.”
“I’m not comfortable with that. You hear His voice, you can ask.”
“I have asked Him about this, and I don’t think He is pleased. There are some people who you do want their approval.”
“I am ok if you don’t understand.” I said as gently as I could.
“You don’t need to be a lone wolf in this.”
“I am not a lone wolf in this. I have had others confirm His word as well.”
“Don’t you love me and want me to understand you?” she said.
That was a red flag to me. I paused for quite some time… she repeated it. I said, “Ok, take that sentence, write it down- take it to a friend or your husband and see what they think of it, but to me; that’s manipulation.”
“What? How is that manipulation? I want to understand you.”
“You are saying I need to do what you want in order to prove my love to you… ‘If you love me, you will do what I want.’”
Recognition filled her eyes and she asked my forgiveness. I prayed forgiveness over her and told her, “You are a good leader. When you are leading more people, which you will… they may do things that seem SO out of the box, so outside of your idea of God, especially a younger generation!… you need to know not to take it personally.”
I put this conversation in the testimony because seeing the subtlety is important. If you feel like someone is trying to control you, manipulate you or coerce you into something, even just saying something- (ask for a time-out) PLEASE bring it to the Lord. Control and manipulation are the root of all evil in relationships. God doesn’t even want control of you. He has a high value for free will. Also, the person pushing you is not the enemy- they are in chains (believing a lie) and need to be set free by Jesus. The Truth (Him) will set you free! Ask Jesus to show you how to help them see that the cage door is open and they can walk right out. As Danny Silk says: “Is that that thing again? (Motioning to something they are theoretically holding in their hand) Do you want to keep that or get rid of it?” It can be as simple as that. I really don’t think we need to ‘re-live’ our childhood crap to be set free. It may take several or a hundred times of choosing to ‘set it down’ and help from others to point it out… but Jesus didn’t make it hard for us.
God is so faithful! She had no idea that I was going to confront her that day. We were just going to have coffee together, as is our habit. He gave her a dream about me the night before. I was in a yard at night and two demons were trying to attack me. I took the knife they were trying to cut me with and I slit their throats. I used their own weapon against them. There was one that wasn’t attacking me, but he opened a card that was from God to me and it said ‘Happy Birthday!’ That one was angry and devastated by the card.
I am not saying that everything I did and said was honorable. I am just telling what happened and what I have learned. There were times with other things that I should have brought into the light before this ‘hair situation’. I just thought these ‘control issues’ were small and didn’t need to be confronted. I had no idea that it was even possible to confront someone in a healthy way until I heard Danny Silk’s “Keys to Confrontation.” (I listened over & over & over.)
My mom & I drove to Redding and had an amazing weekend at Bethel. An amazing woman (Tahni) who has a prophetic voice beyond my imagination, prophesied that I will use this revelation to minister to cancer patients. I’m telling you, she literally injected faith into me to find someone with cancer and pray for them! She even confirmed that the Lord was prompting me to pray the prayer that I was saying as she walked up! I was asking Him to show me His strength behind me, His infinite muscle that drives me and how He holds me up… Then Tahni walked up and said she saw me as one of those statues on the front of a ship. The woman that goes in front and the water parts in front of her. She described how the strength is from the back supporting her to break through the water. One of my favorite names of God is the ‘Husband of the Breakthrough.’ He broke through my enemies like a breech of waters. 2 Sam 5:20
Then her friend, equally amazing- says that I am like a picture of freedom to her. That this bravery blessed her. Michelle quoted something that the Lord had given me on 9/2/09. I know the date because when I hear Him so clearly I write it on a 3×5 card and put it on the dash of my car.
Here’s what the card says- wait- (if this speaks to you- if something inside you says, ‘oh, could I be that?’ Then I say YES! He has put that desire in you to reflect that part of Himself on the earth. TAKE it, CLAIM it, OWN it and He will show you how to live it!!) Since this is a Christian site, I will preface this with an example of Jesus. There was a law that the Pharisees had (one of their many add-ons to describe how to live out the Torah) that said it was illegal to make medicine with mud on the Sabbath. Jesus, of course knew of this law. He knew they were watching Him, and flowing with Holy Spirit, He made a mud pack and healed a man. This is about that. Ok, ok… onto the card:
“BREAKER- I have made you to break through boundaries- boundaries that divide people- rules that bind up people. You are a ‘window of freedom.’ SPONTANEITY of outflow, clear, pure.” In Hebrew ‘freedom’ is defined as ‘spontaneity of outflow, clear, pure.’
He is SOOO abundantly AWE INSPIRING!!
I do want to add that having freedom does not mean shoving it (your freedom) in someone’s face and trying to get them to take a ‘spiritual swing’ at you. Just live in joy and walk in freedom- and beware of being offended when people are offended at you. I actually do not recommend shaving your head. If I hadn’t clearly heard His voice… and I shaved my head- I think it may have gone badly. I learned to trust Him more, but I also learned that Christians aren’t above heartache. I am still in relationship with my friends and I still see them on a weekly basis. God is MAGNIFICENT at reconciliation!
So far I have learned that it is IMPOSSIBLE to shame a Christian. Jesus killed it, He absorbed it, it cannot stick to us. We are not righteous by our own actions, we are given credit for His righteousness. The righteousness we have is not earned, so it cannot be tarnished or taken. It is His righteousness which is so pure, so holy, incorruptible, indestructible, infinite.

(Webster’s) ‘shame’: a painful feeling of having lost the respect of others because of improper behavior, or feeling incompetence of oneself.
We are shameless, we are un-shameable. Our merit comes from Jesus Christ. From His actions, not ours. Our competence comes from Him. He has qualified us.
I was ‘fortunate’ enough to be a total scum-bucket that was spitting in His face right before I was saved. I was publicly mocking Christians and their Savior. I saw Him wipe my spit off His face and say, “Oh sweet girl, you just don’t know how much I love you. All that I have is yours.”
I am fortunate because I cannot look back on when He saved me and say that I did ONE tiny thing to earn it or save myself. He gave me the inheritance of heaven because of how good Jesus is!

[David HaywardKeymaster]

This part of your story, your journey, is so fascinating to me. Thanks for sharing it Jen.

[Author]

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