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AnonymousThis question goes out to anyone. I am not an angry type of person, I can and have forgiven a lot of bad things that have happened to me. The Roman catholic church has pissed me me off like nothing I have ever experienced before. I will be honest and say that I may not have been a good catholic. It’s hard to be one if you believe in birth control. I was never confirmed, but I showed to church more often than not, even after they closed down my church and combined it with another church that was pretty much dieting. The one saving grace about the catholic faith I thought was it’s commitment to social justice programs. When the hierarchy attacked that by stating that it’s American nuns cared more about social justice for women and homosexuals and health issues than towing the party line, it was time for me to go. The only problem is now I am the one who is left bitter and I know it is an unhealthy place for me to be. I want to move on and add my faith as another past bad experience, but I can’t seem to do that because like I said before i’ m still pissed off. How did everyone else find peace with their situation?
AnonymousI’m sorry my iPad does not let me see what I am writing before I post it so there are a lot of errors. Also, the church I attended wasn’t dieting, it was dying ( the church was filled with about 30 people, all over the age of 65).
Hello Tiffany. Anger, pain, bitterness. Yep, all familiar. I don’t really know the answers but I know you will find this community very helpful as you go through this – you’ve definitely came to the right place. And, as a very wise man told me not so long ago, it’s important to allow yourself to “be” – it’s ok to be angry. You don’t have to just get over it, like we’re taught to in church so often. It’s ok to feel angry. It’s part of the process.
AnonymousSince we are all uniquely different with different life experiences, the amount of time a person stays angry is going to be different for each person. All I know for sure (at least for me) is that giving myself permission to be angry and giving my anger a voice (through journaling or talking to a therapist or nonjudgmental friends), and also by giving myself concrete ways of physically expressing my anger ( pounding nails, throwing rocks, burning letters, etc.), was way more helpful than suppressing my anger or censoring myself. Doing the latter, only prolongs the amount of time you will be angry, and the anger will be turned inward which leads to depression. (Depression is just anger without enthusiasm!)
There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel, so just go with the anger. It will eventually play itself out and you will find yourself wanting to move on to other things. That said, in any grieving process, people often go through recurring cycles of anger and depression until the grieving process is complete. I was VERY angry at first after leaving the church and discovering that most of what I had been taught was lies. But after being on TLS for awhile, I found myself letting go of the anger because I knew there was a whole big wonderful world out there just waiting for me to discover it! I was in that mode for awhile and but lately I find that I’m angry again. The good news is – as I cycle in and out of anger – that it is less intense each time. It WILL get better, so hang in there. You can’t rush the process no matter how much you would like to!
AnonymousSomeone asked on the TLS FB page why we seem to be drawn to posting or reading articles about spiritual abuse, controlling pastors like Mark Driscoll, harmful churches like Westboro, legalistic nutjobs, etc. I feel it is an important form of validation. It lets us know that we aren’t making this stuff up – this crazy shit is actually happening to other people too – and it is a huge relief to know we are not alone! And by reading things that fuel our anger, it also acts sort of like a pressure cooker steam valve. We get to rant and vent a little more anger with each article/story we read or hear. By continuing to let off short bursts of anger in sort of a measured manner, we find our anger diminishes over time.
In the beginning of my spiritual journey out of the church, I couldn’t get enough of that kind of stuff. I HAD to read EVERY article and I just HAD express my outrage. Now, not so much. Sometimes I will still read the article or watch the video, but a lot of times I won’t bother. I already know from the title that some pastor/church/celebrity is doing more outrageous, stupid, hurtful crap in the name of God.Christianity – but it’s like I mentally ask myself, “Do I really need to read or hear any more of that kind of outrageous crap? Do I really want to expend mental/emotional energy getting all riled up over something that has already happened or that I have no control over anyway? It just depends where I’m at in my journey. Some days I am happy as a clam to bypass stuff I know will make me angry or sad. Then there are other days where I NEED (for whatever reason) to read or watch something that I know is going to set me off. And that’s okay either way!
A simple answer is “never”. However, directing your anger is important, and over time, I hope you will find places to focus your anger at the damage and abuse that churches cause into positive action. The biggest danger is if your anger fizzled out, and you no longer cared about this abuse – as with so many others on here, you know about real abuse, real harm happening, and focussing that anger into doing some good will probably help you.
In the mean time, places like TLS are good to come and shout “FUCK THIS” at on occasions. That is another way of releasing the anger.
But you are right that, in the early stages, you feel hurt and bitter. You have been forced to make a break form an organisation that has been important to you. Those feelings are natural (and it is annoying when the other party doesn’t seem to feel any of this!)
@Liz Lawhead might be a good person to speak to this. She works with the Sisters of Mercy. They are the ” it’s American nuns cared more about social justice for women and homosexuals and health issues than towing the party line” They are the ones who really helped my faith in mankind and the bigness of god grow. They are the ones who helped me get free from my fundamentalist beliefs. I like their version of Catholicism.
All wonderful responses. If I may add one more: Tiffany, don’t beat yourself up about it. Don’t deny yourself from mourning the loss, from being angry. If you can, use the angry energy. Because it is energetic and can be useful.
It will take time to heal. Lots of time. It might be weeks, but it is more likely to be years. If you’ll let us, we can be alongside you for as much of that journey as you will permit. Most of us have been through or are going through that sort of journey.
Wade.
AnonymousI didn’t expect to get so many responses, so thank you all. I currently find myself reading a lot of Christian blogs and web sites and until now I really couldn’t explain why. All they did was make me furious. Jo, I think you explained it rather well for me. I think it is a form of release and also a reminder of why I left the faith. I just wish I didn’t feel the need to do it so often. I guess more of my identity was centered around my faith than I cared to admit.
AnonymousI counsel women who suffer post abortion stress and one of the ways wew get them to express their anger safely is to encourage them to write a letter they will never send to the people they feel angry towards in their abortion experience. This is very empowering. I keep mean ing to do it myself and write letters which I will never send to the Christo church which caused me a lotmof turmoil, and one particular individual who I felt a lot of anger towards – writing it out helps to release emotions of anger.
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