This topic contains 6 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by 
R2 1 year, 10 months ago.
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I’ve been trying to figure out why I can’ never seem to get involved in a spiritual life. I believe in God but almost never pray. I shy away from churches… from religious people in my waking life… People (especially Christians) try to give me spiritual encouragement and immediately I feel like crying– and not in a good way. More like, “Oh no… this hurts…I don’t want to hear it, it makes no sense and they didn’t even hear what I said…Is this all there is?” sort of way.
I’ve tried to ignore that this is the state of my inner self… I’ve tried different paths, different ways of doing and thinking many aspects of a spiritual walk… but in the end, I am always faced with this wall of pain that immediately makes me want to walk away and forget I ever tried. Just typing about it makes me want to cry right now, actually.
I really don’t like thinking about it.
For years, I wondered “what happened? ” I used to be extremely spiritual. Not religious… but actually spiritual even though it was in a very religious setting. I thought they were the same. I learned differently as I grew through my 20’s.
This morning I became so frustrated with this situation…I’d like my spiritual life back… and I tried to figure out what it is that I’m thinking about God or anything else for that matter. What came to me was an interestingly gray analogy:
God, as a giant being, holding the entire world in his hands.. the entire universe…keeping it together with laws of physics and all of the things we don’t know or see…and he has to peek through his own fingers to look into the space in his hands to see what’s happening. There are many people who ask for his help or his mercy… but all in all he can only see or get to so many at once. There are certain people who get his attention more often, though. Why? Nobody knows.
Beautiful people
people with money
people who shout a lot and praise and look good doing it.
there may be a few other people who generally seem to get noticed in all of the craziness going on , but those are just a few examples. THey don’t always get answered, but they seem to think so.
Then, I’m not actually sure if people who hurt other people are ever corrected. Not even in a Karmic way. many people believe in some form of Karma, but I don’t. I’ve never seen it in action. In fact, the people who run around doing things to others on purpose just get more opportunity to do it again. The people who are hurt have to drag themselves around and often don’t make it. So I don’t think He sees those things. I don’t think there’s a hell per-say, so they never get corrected after life, either.
So, the folks who need Him to intervene are ignored because they’re not shiny enough. The people who harm others slip under the radar… and the folks who wave little red flags –in any fashion.. doesn’t have to be Christian.. get noticed more… but what if you’re not a flag waver?
I’m not… I’m pretty quiet.
Well… I can’t say I’ve never been helped or listened to… but 12 years is a long time to be alone.
I guess he’s busy. And this is not much different than my family life:
“Oh… Ren is quiet.. I guess he’s ok. *walks away and never comes back* ”
It doesn’t matter how much you love or care for anyone. As soon as you’re not interesting enough for them… there they go.
*sighs*
Oh, Ren I’m so sorry you’re hurting so!
I wish I could say something to comfort you. I resonate with a lot of what you said, and I understand loneliness and feeling less important. My own family has a way of making me feel like I will probably never really belong. Being outside looking in never feels good. I’m only somewhat introverted, and I’ve tried being a “flag waver” as you say, and all it gets me is ridicule and disdain from people in my family, so I don’t dare do it anymore. I have to “play the game” and not expect to be treated as equal if there’s to be any peace with them. I am sharing this, because, even though I know you are expressing that you’re feeling like God is the one ignoring you, and he’s too busy with other more pressing things than you…well, that’s how my family makes me feel. I don’t know if I believe that there’s a god, so I can’t speak to that. But I wanted you to know that I read your post, and I feel for you. I am sad that you are suffering so. Big ((((HUGS)))) from my heart to yours!
Moxie
AnonymousYeah, Ren! Thanks for sharing. I am an extrovert. Church and mingling comes super easy to me. But. alas, I am an ENFP, so when you get down to it, I am truly a geek on the inside. Eventually at any church or family situation I end up feeling like an odd duck.
Hang in there. there are lots of neat people on here.
Peace to you!
ash
AnonymousI remember a time in my faith when I first came upon the Pentecostals, I was always wanting to burst into tears and it just freaked me out for a long time. I had to loose a lot of repressive thoughts about Gods love for me to become able to worship freely. lol. How we think about God is everything, Renate. I don’t think God is the type to not know everything you are thinking and feeling. No uttered words are needed with our God, in a way.
God never walks away Renate, God technically lives inside of you if you have faith in Christ Jesus. Technically, lol. I don’t know if God would ever look at us and think, “Oh they are quiet they must be okay?” ,that’s really sort of hilarious if you think about it a bit. Life with God and Jesus keeps you hoping, constantly growing, constantly learning and that means enduring the pains of life while growing in our faith. So almost constant embarrassment for a long time, that discourages a lot of people- but when choosing to love ourselves and others our lives do really open up for worship and miracle events. Blessings on your walk.I just wanted to come back and post an update to this post, since as it is, it seems to be wide open with no closure.
First of all, I would like to thank all of your for each of your input whether it was here on this forum or in my inbox. It was all extremely encouraging, which surprised and edified me.
In the days after this post (OMG it’s only been 4 days!) a lot has happened. Part of me felt like it broke as I spoke to a close friend of mine and he gave me some input which had never really occurred to me before. It even sounded a bit sacrilegious, but in the moment he said it felt as if he had inadvertently shattered my world. For a moment, I thought I had lost my entire desire to understand anything anymore.
Perhaps that’s what it took. In that moment, the walk became more important than belief set. The beliefs would always change. What was important was that I walked at all….
So I immediately picked up where I’d left off when my spirituality was beginning to falter. I still felt dead though.
On Friday, I randomly did something that I had not done in years (having to do with my older path) and it had a effect I was not expecting: I finally felt at peace.
I don’t know if it was because I let it work, or because I had no more expectations or judgement about it.
Right now, I’m trying not to let any more dogmas or opinions get in my way… One little step at a time down a path that seems impossible, but seems to be right where I need to be. I’m starting to trust God again, as well as myself.
Thank you all again.
That’s wonderful to hear, Ren!
I’m very happy for you!
Hey Ren, I could relate to your OP entirely. Was glad to read the update!
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