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Trigger warning: fundamentalist language, bad church experiences
My heart is heavy within me, for the sake of a “fellow believer”, who continues to do the very things which drove me away from church.
In all but one significant interaction we’ve had since then, they have been criticising something or someone – and it has always felt like it’s aimed at or near me.
(I acknowledge that I am sensitised to this behaviour, because it was a repeated feature of our relationship when we were in church together.
And they have indirectly “challenged” others like this in my presence, then talked about how deliberate it was afterwards.)
The warning signs were there when I joined the church: “Whose authority will you be under?”
And, despite the young age of the group, there were already those who had left on bad terms – I never found out why.
While all questions were welcome, some were more welcome than others. Ditto for attitudes, worse for behaviours.
And it was only when I became more vulnerable, and was less able to advocate for myself, that I felt the full impact of it all.
We did some incredible things as a church, but the legacy (in my life) is disappointing…
And I don’t feel angry – strangely and wonderfully, I feel (some) forgiveness – but when I see the same things happening, I feel grieved…
And I just can’t go back.
Even though I love my friends who are still there.
So I am grieving.
I don’t hate the church. I don’t even want to hate this particular church.
I am just sad.
Please be sad with me…
AnonymousTim – I totally get why you are grieving and sad. Been there myself and it hurts like hell! I’m glad you are wise enough not to go back – no matter how much you miss your friends – because sooner or later you will have to leave again and go through the same grieving/sadness process. It’s bad enough the first time around. Hang in there. Things will eventually get better. Sending you hugs!
That sounds really tough tim. to still be connected in such a strong way to that is difficult to maneuver.
Yes, David (@admin), somehow, even after some time away, I still feel strongly connected to people in this group.
It would be so much easier if I didn’t!
That’s tough…Church was a place I made many friends and I still care for these people but I definitely know that if I saw them regularly the relationship would be different.
The warning signs were there when I joined the church: “Whose authority will you be under?”
This would be a warning sign to me, although I do know that it is a feature of many churches, and for some people this works. My answer would always be “Gods”, but then, this is partly why I don’t get on in churches. The reason it worries me is that this authority system and structure, when things go wrong, creates exactly the sort of sense of loss that you are feeling, and the guilt when you leave.
I know that I found my perspective of the church I left changed, and I saw them in a more negative light. Actually, I think I saw them in the light that many others saw them in from outside. However I also still have some friends there, and it is hard to relate to them – I do relate differently, which need not be entirely negative, but tends to be. Some of that is, I suspect, jealousy that I am free from the church and thriving.
Leaving is tough. Relating to people once you have made the break is difficult.
I like this, “Leaving is tough. Relating to people once you have made the break is difficult.”
And I agree with this, “That sounds really tough tim. to still be connected in such a strong way to that is difficult to maneuver.”
It’s weird and sad to leave friends and relationships that I was so invested in for so long. But, I have found that letting those folks go, like David so wisely told me months and months ago, “treat them like noisy apartment neighbors” has been very excellent advice. As I have let those relationships go, as lonely and sad as it has been, there are new and interesting people in our lives. They don’t care what we believe. They don’t care what religious affiliation we are. I like this.
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